Beyond Insemination

Beyond Insemination advertisement in Sandy Shores. (only seen in My Blaine County video)

Beyond Insemination is a talk radio show hosted by Duane Earl on the station Blaine County Talk Radio in Blaine County in Grand Theft Auto V. The show is about farming, fishing, and other things men like to do. The show mainly consists of callers taken to ask for and thank Duane for advice relating to these topics.

Episodes

First episode

Beyond Insemination

Transcript

Transcript

Announcer: Beyond Insemination! The show hosted by two time Southwestern Tractor Pulling finalist, amateur rodeo star and animal husbandry innovator and expert - Duane Earl! Duane: Alright, alright. We're back with another episode of Beyond Insemination! Welcome one, welcome all. You're listening to a show about BBQ, britches, mud bogging and bitches! Your weekly journey into semen, soil dust and savoring the good things in life. Life, death and the reproductive services, down to the farm. Okay, okay! Let's get some music playing here. Jesus, assault rock! I need some assault rock! Hell yes! You know, sometimes I just want a woman to hit me, treat me like the man I am - a piece of angry garbage, and then when we're done fighting, I'll hop on a motorcycle and I will pop a wheelie right there in the driveway. Just burn out, skid all over the goddamn place, hell yes! She'll stand there crying, and she'll forgive me! We'll have another baby, and she'll make the breakfast. That's the stuff that makes us great. Grills, girls and grits. Alright, the phones are already lit up here... You people just can't wait to get stuck in. Let's go to Line 4. Mr. Chuck, you're on the show. How can we go beyond insemination... together? Chuck: Yeah... Hey, Duane! I'm a big fan of the show, by the way... But a first time caller, heh. I wanted to thank you for your bass fishing advice. You know, you're right - dynamite is much easier than all that sitting around with a pole, going mad, staring at them tiny ripples... Wondering if everyone really hates you, you know what I'm saying? Anyways, I'm calling about the kids these days and the way they dress. Oh man! My boy? He wears a skirt. Got breast implants, wears a little lip gloss... What do you think, Duane? I don't think that's right. Duane: Thanks, Chuck. I'm with you. I mean, platonically speaking, of course. I've about had it with gender fluidity. For reals. Seriously. For reals. Seriously. Men is men and girls is ladies and there ain't no point in telling me different. I mean it's getting to where boys have bigger titties than a woman! I know I do. That's gotta stop. I'll tell you what really sets me off, ho ho ho, let me tell you. Me and the boys, we're having a great afternoon - couple of cases of Logger Light, some steaks on the grill, jumping on 4-wheelers and shooting assault rifles and trampolines and wrestling in a muddy hole with their tops off, you know, typical good-time shit. Now at the corner of my periphery, I see these fruity fellas riding bicycles. City boys, coming out to the country with their brightly-colored jerseys and fruity hats and tight shorts. I don't want to see your Johnson! We ain't friends! And they ride bicycles with tap shoes on! Fucking tap shoes! Just in case they need to jump off and sing a show tune. What the hell is that all about? Well I ain't a whistling dixie, I can tell you that, because nobody likes a whistler. Creepy bastards. Whistlers. Ugh! Next caller! Inseminate me! No, no, no. That's wrong. Speaketh to me. Mike: Uhh... Hey there, Duane. My name's Mike, a big fan. Big fan! Duane: I do not care about no names, boy. You stick your business and I'll do the pontificating, sir. Mike: Uhh, yeah. Anyways, my kid is real good at sports, at football and that. I think he's going to get a scholarship. He hits real good, real good, I won one of then packets you hear about them picking up north. But my wife won't let him play because his grades are low, and on the account of him getting his girlfriend pregnant. Him, I mean not my wife, my wife can't get pregnant no more. Uterus is ravaged like the projects. Anyway, I need that boy to make a lot of money by going pro so I can get a new bass boat! What am I gonna do, Duane? I can't stop crying. Duane: Brother, I share your pain. Let it go, let those tears go, let them all flow out your eyeballs down to your cheeks. I love you, my brother. I love you. You're better than this. You are better than this, sir. Reach deep inside to yourself and just pinch it off. Don't you die on me. Don't you die on me! Now, that's enough. My friend, your woman has already gone feral. I was a fifth-grade soccer coach once, do not ask. It was a bad time of my life. I know. I know. And you're right - it's not even a real goddamn sport. No one ever got that brain damage, but I did my best. Yes I did. It was hard, but we made some progress. I taught those kids to be number one, what it takes to get to the top - what steroids to take. I gave them them the same I gave my beef herd. how to gamble on sports, howto snap one of the kids' Achilles tendon hiding behind the referee's back so he never walks right again - stuff winners got to do to get the job done - how to cover up the smell of marijuana by blowing through a toilet paper roll with drawer shit stuff inside, and how to leave a woman. I taught to each of those kids the facts of life and about how it is never about that woman's pleasure. Never, absolutely never about that woman's pleasure. Parents won't tell you the truth, but a man with the beer in his hand will. And the fact is - you do whatever it takes to win. If that wife of yours don't want to understand, don't want to let the boy play some goddamn football - then she's got to go, Mike. Mike, are you with me? You there, son? Mike: I'm here, Duane. Duane: Hear the words that I'm saying. She's got to go, Mike! Mike: I know, Duane. I'll speak to a lawyer. Duane: Lawyer, huh? Fancy talk. I recommend drowning, Mike. Real men don't use lawyers. Show your boy what it means to be a man - press her under the surface of the fluids. Mike, please! Mike: Okay. Love the show, thanks. Duane: Thank you, son. Now we call this show "Beyond Insemination" because it's about what men like to do besides working on the farm. It's about what we were meant to do - man against nature! I'm highly skilled at the art of noodling in a beaver dam - I do not like the animals that consider themselves engineers. I like plant-eating herbivores you can fatten up, give a loving name to, then carelessly kill and cook like a civilized man. Back to beavers - I once stuck my arm in a dam, and four or five of them... an entire family, in fact, of beavers bit into my arm! I had every last one of them on the grill that night and a couple of new hats. He-he-he. For the record, I also do not like fire ants as it is unreasonable to have a social structure of a bunch of neutered men acting as slaves for a woman. Outside of a modern city, of course, where it appears to be mandatory. They call them places "offices". I will not sit in a cubicle like a veal or calf while a woman shouts at me about making personal calls until I die! Caller, you're on the show. To who am I speaking? Charlie: Hey there, Duane! Uh, the name's Charlie. Hope all's going well with your divorce! Duane: No, amigo, it is in fact crappy as crappy could be. As I said, avoid lawyers at all costs. Now continue. Charlie: Well, yeah, my best friend died in a combine accident and he left me a few heads of cattle, but I ain't no farmer! So the question is: how do I know if a female cow is in heat? They don't talk, or nothing - they just moo! Duane: Oh, Charlie, that's simple. You have come to the right place as I am an expert on estrus. What you've got to do is to look for behavioural signs such as excessive mooing, but most of all, she will exhibit more vigorous interaction with other females - putting her chin on the rump of another cow... Charlie: Uh, uh, oh yeah... eep going! Tell me about it, dirty heifer... Duane: Goddamnit. You're sitting there with a hot laptop on your sweaty thighs, doing image search for heifers, aren't you? Jesus... I'm tired of you sickos calling up and ruining my otherwise flawless broadcasting flow! This is a civilized show for civilized people, discussing a variety of topics relating and beyond insemination! Why, oh why does this subject matter attract such a variety of perverts, creeps and weirdos?! It is quite beyond me. Now, don't get me wrong, I mean, I like a good time - I've been known to participate in a pheromone party, where you do not shave or bathe for one week and then take in moonshine and speed with a group of like-minded individuals in a hot tub. It is hell on the other side of that party, but it is worth the ride! But that does not mean I find calling up a radio program with the sole intent of pleasuring myself while traversing the information superhighway an acceptable form of behavior! Is that clear? Charlie, you pervert, is that clear?! Charlie: Yes. Duane: Are we straight, son?! Charlie: Yes, sir. Duane: Good. Now you take care, you hear? Charlie: Thank you, sir. Duane: I am lost for words. Next caller. Susan: Hi there, Duane! My name is Susan. I'm calling from Sandy Shores. I really liked what you said about how animals have babies and then they abandon them, and then they go find another mate. Oh, that just touched me. That made me cry! That reminded me even when I left little Mary Sue outside that Up-n-Atom restaurant. I was tired of all her crying and carrying on anyway because I was hooked up with a guy I just met named Francis! Duane: Oh, well, good on you, Susan, though I am not a fan of names that can apply to a man or a woman. Unisexery has neutered our society! No man should be named Francis or Alex or Jamie, or god forbid Casey. But anyway, I'm so glad we inspired you. That's some evolved thinking right there. See, we do believe in evolution in the right situation. For the record, not me, nor no one in my family was ever a monkey, nor have they been with a monkey, not ever, not even at the zoo! Nor pretty much any animal aside from usual ones we all do practice on. Science and truth can exist together, you see? You can learn a lot from nature. You know how a Momma puppy cleans up after their litter by eating their waste? My momma ate all her boys poop till we were five! It was unconventional, but it sure made us the people we are today. Social services said this has something to do with the lab where my Daddy had been cooking up Toilet Cleaner, but I would disagree ferociously! I would even go as far as to challenge you to a knife fight! You want to come and talk some shit like that - we will tie our wrists together and solve this in the time-honored way. That's my Momma you're speaking about! You take that back, you hear me? That's my Momma! Get off my phone and get off my show! Disrespecting a man's Momma like that... Now then, changing tack for one special moment - well, we all know that part of being a man is heeding the call of nature to kill it and serve it grilled to members of your family and/or tribe. I've been hunting since I was a small boy and I can, in fact, track more than 16 different species of ruminant animal, while your all perceptory senses have been dulled as hell by so-called civilization. In nature, all they got is smell. I even know how to simulate the odor of other species - I rub the pheromones all over my member, trust me! When you have a young fawn that experiences the first adolescent flush of sexual awakening run out the woods filled with a yearning it scarcely understands - well, it really is something special when you grab it by the neck and strangle the life out of it. As its terrified eyes look up at you, it suddenly realizes: "Hey, you ain't my Mom, and you sure as shit ain't some young stag here to educate me about the birds and the bees!". And in this way, you two really share special moments - fear takes hold of its central nervous system and you put the creature out of its misery. You ever had deer sushi? Little rice and wasabi and some fine loin meat. I served it on top of my stepdaugther just like they do in Asia. I am particularly interested in visiting Asia. I've always been kind to the Asiatic cultures, I've always enjoyed them - the kung fu, martial arts, and fucking throwing stars. I'd really love to see Thailand, though. Somebody say ping-pong? He-he-he. Just saying, not judging. Ain't my way! Johnny, you are on the show! How can we inseminate you? Johnny: Hey there, Duane! Big fan, love the show. I love that it is educational and funny. You know what - if you have been one of my teachers, I'd spend longer in school. I'd learn something useful. As it is, I'm a trucker on the weekends. Duane: Oh really? Whatcha haulin', Johnny? Johnny: Uhh, pollution. From that big leak that hushed up. Pay's triple and I need the money. Anyways, my boy's serving overseas. Duane: Oh, Marines? Johnny: Nah. Duane: Navy? Johnny: No, he's serving his sentence overseas in Burma. Those bastards put him away for being an entrepeneur! He's a patriot! He got in trouble here in Blaine County, and then hell... He went and outsourced himself. Duane: There we go. See, that is an enlightening and instructive tale about the danger of excessive travel. Multiculturalism is hedonism! If God wanted us to co-mingle, he would have invented the land of opportunity where we could migrate and create a glorious monoculture. But that ain't happening 'cause it ain't right! I will think of your boy when I am down on one knee tonight, practicing karate. I practice it every night in case I come across a run down roadside bar in a corrupt small town that needs a booker for a bouncer. Just like in the movies. Now let us talk about "school". I learned everything I need to know about life and everything beyond insemination by working outside with my hands. Now, I would not propose that you should therefore abscond from the American education system, but let's be honest - book learning ain't never done no one any favors. You know, the other day when I was shearing sheep, I had a young ewe pinned to the ground. Falling in terror, I took the wool clean off it. And I began to wander and drift and daydream beyond the depilatory task related to this quadropedal ruminant. I began to think about children. It is a scary world that we are bringing children into through the machinations of our loins. We've pledged to protect them, but at times the demonstration of force is undubitably necessary, as is often the case with your mate. My Daddy once got so mad at me for backtalking that he pushed my head down on a table saw. Scared the crap out of me! Once the scars healed, I thanked him afterwards, because it made me into the man I am today - a man with 5 four-wheelers, 3 personal watercrafts including a bass boat, a fine collection of weaponry, a fish tank as big as car in my bedroom, nothing but black sheets on my bed and a pull chain next to my mattress that summons a man servant to bring me another Logger Light. That what success and a good work ethic can get you. And of course, a top rated, nationally syndicated multi-award-winning radio show, speaking of which - this has been Beyond Insemination. We didn't get to this weekend's Romantic Interlude With Big Duane, but trust me, we will. Be good, cook until it hurts and fight artificial insemination as it is unnatural and blasphemy! Until next time, I'm Duane Earl and you are not. Announcer: This has been Beyond Insemination. You have been inseminated!

Second episode

Transcript

Transcript

Announcer: Beyond Insemination! The show hosted by three-time regional amateur Speedophile personal watercraft racing champion and all-San Andreas Barbecue Sauce Manufacturer of the Year 1997, 2000 and 2003 and ruminant fertility guru - Duane Earl. Duane: Well, you stepped in it again - another episode of Beyond Insemination - the show that breaks down complex life issues and turns them into easy-to-understand analogies of lust, murder and parenthood in the animal kingdom. Okay, okay. Which track are we going to start the show off with today? How about this one? Film Introduction: Makes you feel like you're in your goddamn movie, huh? My movie would be called "Duane Earl: Part II"! Listeners, I want you to imagine this music playing as I emerge from a yurt dressed as a Roman soldier, and I'm in a pit with a bear, and he's lunging at me with his razor sharp claws that catch my cheek. Blood begins to run down my face, and I taste it, and my eyes narrow to focused slits, and a crowd of drunken onlookers are screaming for death. And I appease them by springing on that bear's back, slitting his throat and cutting out his heart. While still pumping, I sink my teeth into it, and hold it up to the air to the crowds that have crowded, overtaken by such an emotional spectacle that they are reduced to tears! And two scantily clad women run to my side, each one on the ground, clutching my leg; knowing I am the man. Duane: Woo! Now that is a movie that would fill up the multiplexes. It also, my friends, is how I spent last night, for reals. Gladiator fights, straight whiskey and frisking chicks - that's how Duane Earl rolls! Let's get this going. Dennis, you are on the air. Welcome to Beyond Insemination. Dennis: Hey Duane! Big fan, man! Really big fan! I love your stuff! Man, I got a photo of you on my wall! Man, I'd let you go on my girl - she does backdoor, everything, man! All for you, bro! Anyway, anyway... I'm so excited right now! I love you, Duane, man, I love you, man! It's like-(another sound: What are you doing) Mom! I'm on the goddamn radio, Duane. (another sound: Ron show?) That show about animal sex!(another sound: That man that-) No, the other show about animal sex! Duane, so-(another sound: Herry up!) Shut up, ma! Duane, I love you. So I was thinking about going to the Cunning Stunt Academy. Didn't you go there? Duane: Well, brother. It is true that I was destined to be an alumni [sic] of that prestigious institution. Some will tell you that I flunked out of the Cunning Stunt Academy. That is only true in a matter of speaking. They buried me with low grades because of the fantastic things I've achieved! I was better than the teachers, and no one could stand the humiliation! None of them could hotdog on a Speedophile personal watercraft on dry land and nobody was prepared to jump out of a car at high speed on the concrete just to win a bet and shatter their pelvis in the process as I did. I say, screw that place. I lost my big toe to that manuever, but I would do it again. Dennis, you can do better than that place, much better. I've said it before and I will say it again - to make something proper yourself, you don't need schooling - you need a pack of smokes and a wild animal to wrestle. Every man should exhibit his dominance over each member of the animal kingdom. When it is complete, I will invite you to my roadside theme park called "Duane Earl's Ark". In there, we will have a pair of each and every species, and you can pay a fee and you can wrestle with them. From warm-blooded mammals to fierce, fighting reptiles; endotherms to ectotherms - we have the lot! Believe me, I have been humbled by many bees in my time, but life is, after all, a journey. One of the central tenets of this show is education through nature. There are animals in nature, such as lizards, that specialize in a "sit and wait" hunting strategy, meaning that they wait for their prey to come to them - now that is a technique that I utilize myself! Just last week I was on the sofa in my front yard and a person approached me for directions. Suffice it to say, I pounced like a hungry komodo dragon and when that gentleman came through in the trunk of his car many miles away, he was missing the contents of his wallet, his wedding band and also his MP3 player, fortunately, predominantly filled with power ballads. Andrea, you're on the line! Welcome to the show! What's troubling you, hot stuff? Tell your uncle Duane. Andre: Hi, Duane! Love you, love the show. Love meth! Anyway, I just don't know what the hell is wrong with my boyfriend. He's just ain't <...> like he used to be. Duane: My My dear Andrea! I believe that the helium has gone to your mind-bone. I do not host a relationship show. We're here to talk about animal husbandry and the pleasures available only to the man-species! Relationships is not something that I have any great insight into. Which calls - in a relationship, it's time to skip town! Am I right, fellas? Andre: Plz, Duane, he is a big fan of yours, I put him on the line. Owen: Hello? Duane: Who's this? Owen: My name is Owen Duane: Owen, I am not here to become betwixt you and your lady troubles, I am here to talk about rodeo, a gunsmith and adver lots of the herd. Owen: No! Please, Duane! Duane, Duane, Duane, Duane! I beg of you. You oughta help me, man. She has freaking gone crazy with <...> above her... the intimate venue! It started with hearts and cute shit, but then she got out of control! She has this huge mural <...> I just can't take it, seriously, I can't stand it. It ain't right. You're with me, right? I mean, that ain't right! Am I right? Duane: Owen, put your woman back on the phone this very instant. Andre: Uh, Duane? Duane: Andrea! you have bedazzled your last rhinestone, squirrel queen. You hear me girl? Do you hear me Andre: Yes. Duane: Listen - women were not meant to make artistic montages around their lady parts, no matter how pretty or imaginative. All kinds of sparkly things in your thighs or above your lady lips is now, from here and now, banned! It ain't proper! That stuff is for men only! I can't feel like I'm about to tongue a disco ball! Life is not a hip-hop video! Get rid of the beaver bling! Is that clear, girl? Andre: Yes Duane Duane: Louder! Andre: Yes Duane! Duane: Now say it like you're enjoying yourself. I'm just kidding - that's a joke. Now, dear listeners - I have a confession to make. I am sure this revelation will reduce more than a few of you to tears. I've been diagnosed with a disease. It is something that baffles medical science and kills most people that contract it, but I look at it as a ray of sunshine. I have a great disease - alcoholism. I have won the lottery - I mean, yes, I could've gotten herpes, but I didn't; I probably should have - this disease is great! Sure, I end up sleeping with some ugly chicks but now that I know the symptoms, I know how to take care of myself! For instance - it is unwise to mix cocaine and grain alcohol for more than 3 days at a time, and that's a fact I have learned! Some fella told me that at one of them meetings, then he gave me a hug and a keychain. Strange business. I do not hug men, no, thank you - I hug girls and procreating cells, and the latter only to ease the process, as nature intended. I spoon men, just like any other normal fella, but hugging? Hugging - putting your arms around another man, are you serious? Whatever will they think of next? Who's on the phone and how can we go Beyond Insemination? Clarence: My name ain't important. Duane: Oh, it's my old friend Clarence, everybody! You son of a gun! Clarence is a stand-up guy. I say that even though he is in a wheelchair. He-he. Clarence and I fought in the war together, right on the frontlines of the War on Terror. We drove around at night enjoying a cold one, and we saw a foreigner acting all squirrely - we called 911. Right after we shot him! Clarence: Duane, I've got good news! I don't need the wheelchair no more! Duane: It is a miracle! My prayers have been answered. Many a time when I was down on both knees giving a working girl the business my mind would turn to you and that you are a cripple that can't enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. Clarence: No, no, I don't need a wheelchair because I've got a motorized scooter now - the Relax Power X from Ambulate. Dude, I had that thing lowered. Neon. Custom paintjob. Overhauled the engine. You wouldn't believe the mad booty I've been getting lately! Besides, my doctor says I don't need a wheelchair or whatever and that I can walk just fine. I'm just tired, Duane. You know how I do - I like to sit down, have a beer, masturbate - you know, relax! Duane: Oh, that's wonderful news there, Clarence. I love to hear that you're getting booty. Thanks for calling in to the show, buddy. I love you, always will. We received an electronic message in our inbox last week that says: "Duane. You are so great on the radio. I was wondering if you've been watching the TV reports about how over in Asia they've got an epidemic of bird flu." Well, thanks to everybody for writing in, especially to the listeners asking for a signed photo of my flaccid member. Now to your question: I don't give a crap if some bird has the flu! Do I pause if a robin sneezes or a parrot coughs? No, I do not! I'm not a veterinarian. The maladies of animals are irrelevant to me. People raise a stink about swine flu, saying it was gonna ruin the bacon. That barbecue tasted just fine to me. Let's move to the final portion of our show - "Romantic Interludes with Big Duane" - where I call a previous love interest live on air. Today, I'll be calling Marnie Smith - the cheerleader I went to high school with and harbored feeling for that I kept at bay by throwing chinese stars at strangers and indiscriminately burning things, but today I shall fess up, as I have obtained her phone number. I am so excited for this shit. Marnie Smith: Hello? Duane: Hello, Marnie? Marnie Smith: Yes it is? Duane: Hello, Marnie! This is Duane Earl, and as you can tell by the melodic and poignant music playing in the background, I am about to unleash a barrage of emotion that has been trapped inside of me for these past 20 years. We attended Central High School together, and I sat behind you in Science class, and on days there was a football game you wore your cheerleader outfit. To this very day, I nearly break out in tears that I have not told you of the thunderous lust you arouse in me. Now I would not break out in tears for real, as a man's tears are saved in a special place for when one of their favorite stock car drivers loses, but know this - I, as often as this week, kept you in regular rotation in the Duane Earl Spank Bank. I fantasize about you turning around in Science class and asking if we can get together to study for the test. And you'd arrive at my domicile and I'd show you around, offer you a cigarette I'd stolen from my stepfather. And in the backyard I perform feats of greatness, exhibiting my skill in archery, knife throwing and camouflage face painting in particular. And we have a fireworks war with Roman candles, then ride fast on a dirt bike by the stream and you have your arms around me, and I pop a wheelie and you'd fall off the back and break your leg. And I'd console you, and we'd make passionate love in a cloud of exhaust by the dirt bike, still running. Ah, you'd fall insensate by the intoxicating fumes, and we're making love, even though your leg was broken. I'd be unable to discern if your screams are from passion or pain of a femur cracked in two. Anyway, that's just how I saw it. Marnie Smith: Oh Duane, that’s so sweet. Duane: Thank you for receiving this so elegantly. It has been a mighty burden on me that such fantastic times never did materialize before I began to lose my hair. However, know this, Marnie - I still have a ponytail and it is one of my most attractive features. Especially when I wear a baseball cap. Marnie Smith: You should come by for some time so we can catch up. Duane: I would very much like to embark on this epicurean endeavor. Marnie Smith: You know, Tracy Beesh - she used to talk about you. She says you have problems performing. Duane: Tracy Beesh is a goddamn liar! And if there were any performance issues, it is because my third brain could predict the future, and it knew she would one day be fat and have that, like, fat that swings on a woman's arm and that her breasts would move like woeful pendulums, unable for any self-respecting man to love them. It's a boner killer. Instant, futuristic boner killer. I saw the future, and that woman's future self destroyed my boners. Goodbye, Marnie. I will stop by your house soon on my dirt bike. Whew! I hope that cheerleader outfit still fits. This has been this week's episode of "Romantic Interludes with Big Duane". Let's get on with the show. Next caller. Caller 4: Hi, Duane, thanks for the show. You know you always hear about how America is "the land of the free"? But that's bullcrap! I got arrested for my religious beliefs, and how's the government and the politicians going to tell me how many wives I can have? I've had, like, five wives, you know? I mean, sometimes they, you know, they gang up on me, they wrestle and tie me down... You know, I like women to humiliate me, Duane, I mean, really treat me like crap! Duane: Okay, right there. Here's what I don't understand, hotshot. If you wanna have 5 beautiful chicks, that's awesome and something I partake in on a regular basis, often after a bowling night when the ladies are all lubed up. But you polygamy guys - I just don't get it. Caller 4: Why that? Duane: Well because every time you see pictures or footage of the women, they're always so frumpy. Get 2 hot chicks, not 5 chubby hairy ones. And they wear those terrible old lady dresses that cover up the important bits. On my farm, we have a bunch of women, and they work with nothing but a bikini and a gun belt on. And them's the rules because of women's lib. Jeff is on the phone. Jeff: Hi, Duane. I'm a member of the Old Vine Liberation Front. There are some terrible things going on right under our noses - atrocities on these farms. We've snuck a camera in and are going to expose it. Did you know that they're killing animals on some of these farms - and then they eat them! It's like a zombie movie, it's horrible! Everything should be allowed to live. Just think about a world with the streets full of cows and chickens and velociraptors - it'd be great! You can hug them... Duane: Sounds a bit like Australia, that's pretty much the third world, ain't it? Jeff: Now, precisely! What we want is our own world, the fourth world where we can snuggle with a chicken or a goat... Lay in the hay together! Where nothing dies... Duane: Listen up, Jeff. You're going to have to understand that the good Lord made natural selection for a reason. It is well-known that shark embryos cannibalize their littler mates in the womb, with the strongest one eating all the siblings. My mother was pregnant with triplets, but when she went into labor, only one came out, and that was me! I won! That's the way nature works, son! You can't fight nature... but you can wrestle with it at Duane Earl's Ark. Stop by and tell Tammy that you heard it on this show and she'll give you a commemorative cozey for your beer so that it will stay cold as you tour the premises. That's about all the time we have this week. This has been Beyond Insemination. I'm Duane Earl, and you're not! Announcer: This has been Beyond Insemination, you have been inseminated

Trivia

• The segment, "Romantic Interludes With Big Duane" could be reference to the real life Lazlow Show which had a segment called "Romantic Moments With Big Wayne", in which the sidekick, Big Wayne, recounts "romantic" moments from his past.