Integration is the way to heal from DID. While many people find ways to live successfully as “multiples” by teaching their alter parts how to “share,” choosing to stay a multiple means choosing to stay separate. Alter parts are created through self-rejection. The only true way to heal is through self-love, and self-love comes from self-acceptance. Accepting each alter part as “me” is the key to healing from DID and integrating back into a “singleton.”
Integration is very hard work, so nobody should judge a person who chooses not to embark upon this difficult journey. Integration means facing once and for all that there was not a legion of “people” standing up to the abusers. There was only me, a helpless little girl who had no power. Integration also means facing that all of these horrible things happened to me. I can no longer live in denial by viewing the memories from the perspective of someone else being harmed. It was my body and my spirit that were harmed. Integration also means losing the illusion that a part of myself was spared from the abuse. No part remained innocent. That is a hard truth to face.
Despite all of the struggles, integration is an amazing experience. After living a lifetime of feeling as if I only occupied a small sliver of my body, I now live in my full body. Integration felt as if I could finally put my arms down after holding them up in the air for 30+ years. Even with the pain of holding all of my own memories, the underlying melancholy that I experienced throughout my life has been replaced with an underlying peace. It feels great to love and accept every single part of myself as “me.”
Integration comes with a price. I now have access to all of the memories from my extremely painful childhood, and that can be hard to face at times. I rejected those memories in the first place because they were so unbelievably painful. However, as I have focused on healing each traumatic event and the accompanying emotions, I remember the experiences in a different way. They no longer carry the punch they once did, and I view them from the perspective of knowing that I survived them.
Learning how to feel multiple emotions at once was a challenge for me. Ambivalence was a new experience for me because I was used to feeling very black and white about things. If I had mixed emotions, then one alter part would hold the black while another held the white. Conflict solved. However, integration has been amazing because I now face my emotions and memories against the backdrop of all of my life experiences. So, if I friend violates my trust, I no longer have the “pure” feeling of devastation and betrayal that I used to have. Instead, I can process the pain against the backdrop of all of my other life experiences, which makes the pain much more bearable.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
Thank you for this particular series of entries. It has been confirming to me. I keep trying to find a way to prove to myself that I do not have D.I.D. For some reason it is more comforting to ‘prove’ I really am crazy, rather than have some disorder that comes from severe child abuse.
I guess I am still learning to accept I wasn’t the most protected kid on the block.
Anita
My therapist used to tell me that “crazy” people try to convince you that they were abused while abuse survivors try to convince you that they were not. I, too, preferred being “crazy” to having DID. However, my T kept telling me that I was **not** crazy. I needed to hear this repeatedly to believe it.
– Faith
I have to thank you for this particular post, I have DID and have recently been struggling over whether or not to fully integrate. Some of the things you described were exactly where I feel like I’m at with the black and white perspective on life in general I’m noticing in myself. I have also been thinking about integration seriously and weighing out whether I’m willing to take on my entire past as a whole person or if for now being fragmented is a good thing. It’s like I’m at a crossroad with regards to my DID stuff, but I found your post describing a little about the struggles and overall reality of integration to be VERY helpful. Thank you!!
I am so glad that this helped you.
I have received quite a bit of positive feedback about this series, so I am going to continue it into next week. I will share more about integration, including what it feels like. I hope that will be helpful as well.
Take care,
– Faith
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Simply amazing and inspiring! And so helpful. I read through the whole journey. I feel very much the same. I have a decent voice part in me and many others.
I am having a hard time drawing out the more resistant parts of me and I am trying to trigger them a bit. Especially the one that processes the anxiety and pain. I found your invitation to the parts helpful. Then one part said no and said it wasnt ready. The anxiety part came in for a second and left scared. Bit of progress right there though.
I have not been aware of my parts till about 8 months ago. Than about 3 moths ago I realized this is entirely normal for my situation and what it means. I do not have names for most parts. I think this makes them much harder to find and pull in.
I also found your comment that the host has to be integrated as well immensly insighful. I did not think of this. My host is separate atm.
Just last night I spend an hour explaining to other parts that taking on a new name of Kathryn does not mean their death and unacknowlegement. And also explaining that Kath was the one that made the big breakthrough for us all. And its a whole new thing we should all be happy with. Reading your posts today I was saying “see you guys, this is what I was talking about”. Thanks for this as well. Old friends are balking at me changing my name but I am goin to go through with it. It seems mostly my disfunctional friends that refuse it. When I meet new people as Kathryn, it feels like I can use all my new healthy tools and be a much healthier richer person. A new me that stands up for herself and all the little me’s that were randered so helpless. I love it.
I would very much appreciate more detailed information on how you identified parts and drew them in.
Great work!!!!
Wow!! You sound a lot like me — pushing on through and not willing to settle for anything less than being whole. :0)
Yes, I will write about drawing in parts — probably next week.
– Faith
back when i was in high school, i was always able (and mostly still do this) to argue both sides of an argument. i dont mean like on a debate team to intellectually argue a point. i mean i could passionately defend both sides of controversial subjects (like abortion, for example). looking back, i now know that an intellectual ‘part’ of me was able to learn and supply the information needed to argue either side intelligently, but the emotion and passion came from two separate ‘parts’ that both strongly believed they were ‘right’. and yet, as a system, we always had a rule to accept others’ viewpoints, maybe BECAUSE we held multiple viewpoints within the same mind, we were/are more able to comprehend how people can feel so strongly that they are right while another with an ‘opposite’ viewpoint can feel exactly the same strength in THEIR belief that THEY are right. Just one example of how ‘black and white’ thinking isn’t necessarily always undesireable.