House of Villains Series-Premiere Recap: Bless This Mess

Just like the sun must set and we must breathe air, Omarosa Manigault Newman must be on television. I presume that’s why the producers of the new, delightfully Frankensteined E! competition series House of Villains conceptualized this Big Brother meets Surreal Life meets The Challenge-style show. Say what you will about Omarosa’s foray into politics — no, please say what you will in the comments, I think we should have that conversation — but the woman has demonstrated time and time again her mastery of the small screen, which explains why she (deservedly!) hoovers up almost the entirety of the premiere’s spotlight.

But let’s rewind: Reality TV has relied on its most nefarious characters since the inception of the form because without villains, the genre has no friction, no tension, and no counterbalance to support its heroes. Sometimes, the villains win, and even when they don’t, they often win in the long run because they’re the ones pop culture remembers best. Often, they’re flattened to archetypes in the edit; even more often, they do it to themselves post-show, content to continue playing a character to extend their 15 minutes of infamy.

For those “stars,” House of Villains marks yet another intentionally messy and very self-aware stamp in their television passport, an immediately canonical entry among the hallowed halls of comfort food celeb-reality shows like The Surreal Life and its countless iconic spinoffs, plus other derivatives like Scared Famous (bring back Scared Famous, VH1! Bring it back right now!!!), College Hill: Celebrity Edition, and more. At this point, joining any reality show is less about getting a gummy vitamin Instagram sponsorship than it is about scoring that golden ticket to the celeb-reality circuit, a never-ending programming block of “no thoughts, just vibes” shows built solely on cast members’ meme-worthy quotes and iconic fights.

So we welcome House of Villains with open arms. To start, as someone who’s worked in talent booking before, I would like to know every single detail about which of the ten cast members signed on first, especially considering how wildly this crew runs the gamut from reality royalty to, politely, names I recognize but wouldn’t consider the cream of the crop. I’d also love to know who passed on this opportunity, allowing slots for the lesser stars in the house. Because to get right to brass tacks, if we’re calling these the most infamous villains in reality TV history, then where are Brandi Glanville, Jaremi Carey (formerly known as Phi Phi O’Hara), Jenelle Evans, Farrah Abraham, Juan Pablo Galavis, Christine Quinn, Joseline Hernandez, Kim D or G from Real Housewives of New Jersey, Angelina Pivarnick, Kate Gosselin (sorry, but this was low-hanging fruit), or Ramona Singer? And yes, producers, feel free to cherry-pick from this list for season two!

Alright, let’s get on to tonight’s premiere! We kick things off by watching Jonny Fairplay enter the house — sorry, the Villain’s Lair — first, as he should. He’s a forefather of the form, having lied about his grandmother’s death on the Survivor beach almost 20 years ago exactly. This is a place for legends, okay?

He’s followed by one of television’s greatest gifts, Tiffany “New York” Pollard, who’s done her fair share of celeb-reality in the past decade, including a monumental stint on Celebrity Big Brother so iconic that whenever I heard the words “pretty much,” I begin to fill out the rest with her legendary read of Gemma Collins. She enters the house by brushing off the “villain” title with a fantastic new quote: “I’ve never been one for labels … other than skinny. You can call me that.” I pray she goes all the way and wins the damn thing. Run New York her check.

The Challenge mainstay (21 seasons and seven wins!) Johnny Bananas joins the group, followed by The Bachelor breakout Corinne Olympios, a messy legend from Nick Viall’s messy and legendary sexed-up season. The producers give us a quick glimpse into Corinne and Johnny’s future flirtation, but both should know that a showmance is a kiss of death in these competitions!

Love & Hip Hop star Bobby Lytes enters, followed by Love Is Blind villain and body-shamer Shake Chatterjee, who New York quickly deems “the male version of myself” before correcting herself: “I’m lying. He’s worse.” It should go without saying, but New York should always be on television. Why she didn’t get the Wendy Williams afternoon talk-show slot last year is beyond me.

Bad Girls Club star Tanisha Thomas — who, I must pause to say, is a reality-TV pioneer, a meme queen, and seems like a genuinely good woman, so I wouldn’t really call her a villain but if it means she’s back on my screen then I’m not going to fight it — joins the cast next. Former Vanderpump Rules star and Mamaw’s Beer Cheese entrepreneur Jax Taylor follows with an immediate laugh-out-loud moment: “I look back on that person I used to be and … I don’t want anything to do with him.” Cue the rage-faced, eye-bulging montage!

We get the arrival of 90 Day Fiancé terror Anfisa next, who barely says a word for the remaining 40 minutes, so we’ll see what we get from her this season next week, I guess? Then, the main attraction: Omarosa exits her car, and the rest of the cast, watching from inside the house, scatters and panics. Imagine, if you will, Margaret Hamilton as the Wicked Witch of the West descending upon Munchkinland for the first time — that is the energy Omarosa is purposely giving with her entry as the final competitor to join the group. From here on out, it is her television program and hers alone (well, hers and New York’s).

Shake calls her “Ah-marosa,” which she promptly, firmly corrects him: “It’s Omarosa … with an O.” Then a moment for the books: Corinne, willfully ignorant or simply dumb, strides up to her and asks, “What’s your name?” Omarosa, sensing prey and the camera’s flashing “recording” light, pounces with a sneer: “ … Google … it’ll help you.” She then turns to Shake and ignores Corinne’s continued attempts to introduce herself. Corinne spirals out, loses her shit, and calls Omarosa a bitch before storming out of the room in tears. “Mind games are essential to establishing your dominance,” Omarosa says calmly in her confessional. “The first to cry is the first to fry,” she says later to New York. “You know the rules of reality TV!”

With any pretense of niceties entirely dispensed, we move on to the competition part of the show. The house’s narrator — who, in a nod to Big Brother, is a British woman nicknamed “E.V.A.” (which stands for Evil Voice Audio) — summons the villains outside to meet the host. “Oh, it’s him! It’s Carson Daly!” shouts Bobby Lytes in what is surely a crushing blow to the ego of Community star and the show’s actual host, Joel McHale, whose years helming the reality-skewering The Soup (bring! It! Back!) trained him perfectly for this gig.

Everyone runs up to greet him — Jeff Probst ruling the roost with an iron fist this is not — and Jax gets in an excellent burn in the process: “I’m just glad you’re not Nick Lachey!” We all are, Jax. We all are!

Delightfully, here’s where all of House of Villains’ seams begin to show: A jet flies overhead, interrupting McHale’s opening monologue; producers arrange the villains for camera blocking repeatedly as Omarosa loses patience; McHale flubs his lines numerous times. I appreciate that we’re not trying to make this a big, polished production; the cast itself is made up of hot messes, so why not have a show that reflects that?

We finally get things in order, and the “rules” of the show are established: each week, the contestants will compete in a Battle Royale challenge, from which one winner will be crowned the Supervillain of the Week. That person will be immune from elimination and also gets to select the three people on the Hit List, one of whom will go home, no longer eligible to compete for the show’s $200,000 grand prize and the title of America’s Great Supervillain. The winner of the challenge also snags a luxury reward, to which they can bring two villains “to make alliances and stuff,” McHale says. “You’ve been brought together because you’re some of reality TV’s most infamous villains. You have wreaked havoc as part of the most cutthroat reality-TV shows of all time: Survivor, The Bachelor, the Trump White House.”

The first challenge is a nothing burger called Balls Out, which Omarosa wins by more or less standing in place on a field filled with inflatable balls, watching while her fellow villains knock each other out of the ring. Jax plays extremely hard and physically, painting a huge target on his back, something Johnny Bananas knew not to do when he says in a confessional to “never win the first challenge.” Jax realizes he’s dug himself into a hole and worries he’s on the chopping block, delivering yet another delicious record-scratching quote that we have not edited in any way, shape, or form: “I don’t think I’m mentally tough enough to be here. I’m mentally physically enough to be here.”

The rest of the episode is filled with alliance-making, primarily in the form of Omarosa and Fairplay, who knew each other before the show and unofficially dub themselves The Oldheads. Omarosa takes Bobby and Tanisha to her spa afternoon reward while the rest of the villains fret about who’ll be on the chopping block — everyone except Bananas, who let Omarosa win by convincing her to keep him off of the Hit List.

We close things out by seeing Omarosa’s nominations. Corinne naturally makes the Hit List, her awful first impression returning to bite. So, too, does Shake, who refused to make an early alliance with Omarosa when offered. Jax snags the third spot for playing too hard, though Omarosa brilliantly dangles the idea of tossing Bananas onto the Hit List, which would be an explicit betrayal of a promise she’d made to him during the challenge in front of everyone, but instead is just some excellent reality-TV grandstanding meant to show everyone who’s boss.

And that’s where we leave you! Honestly? House of Villains didn’t need to go this hard out of the gate, but what a delightful little treat we seem to have on our hands. Let me know in the comments, based on the premiere, who you think might take the title and the money at the end of our competition. My money is still on New York, but I suspect Bananas might get there too. You can’t ever count a seven-time Challenge winner out!