When Is a Stepparent Overstepping Boundaries?

Navigating a stepparent-stepchild relationship can be extremely complicated, despite how common stepfamilies are. Problems arise when a stepparent inadvertently oversteps boundaries, has a parenting style unlike what the child is used to, or otherwise fails to respect the child's viewpoint and circumstances.

Here are a few common scenarios in which a stepparent might overstep boundaries—and some strategies to foster a healthy, beneficial stepfamily unit.

The Importance of Respecting Boundaries

A stepparent typically hopes to establish a bond with their stepchild quickly. However, the child might not be on the same page, which can be confusing and disheartening for the stepparent.

Most children struggle with changes to their family unit and need to process this transition on their own timeline, says Sabrina Romanoff, Psy. D., a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.

Children often feel a sense of loss and mourning for the family they had, says Romanoff. This places a tremendous cognitive load on the child, which can be exacerbated when stepparents are demanding, forceful, or disrespectful of the child’s pace.

Stepparents tend to assume that their stepchild’s trust and respect are (or should be) automatic without taking the time and effort to let it develop naturally, Romanoff adds. A child needs time to negotiate a new relationship with the stepparent and come to grips with its impact on the family.

Common Overstepping Scenarios

Emotional boundaries are invisible and can be difficult to understand or anticipate. Even stepparents with the best of intentions can cross these lines inadvertently. Here are a few situations in which this might occur.

Disciplining the Stepchild

When the stepparent assumes the role of disciplinarian, the child might reject the stepparent as a parental figure and resent efforts to enforce discipline, says Romanoff.  

Trying to Replace Their Parent

Stepparents sometimes try to assume the parental role by forcing their stepchildren into activities and behaviors ordinarily reserved for parents, says Romanoff. For example, a stepparent might ask the child to call them "Mom" or "Dad."

This can also happen if the child’s parent is no longer involved or available. The child might resent the stepparent trying to slip into the absent parent's role. This is particularly likely if the child perceives dismissiveness on the part of the stepparent.

Enforcing a Parenting Style

A stepparent may try to impose their beliefs or parenting style onto the child, who might be particularly unreceptive if it digresses from their parents’ values.

Coming Between Their Partner and the Child

A stepparent gets between their partner and the stepchild. For example, the partner has a disagreement with the child, and the stepparent sides with the child against their parent.

Badmouthing the Child’s Other Parent

No matter how much stepparents dislike or disagree with their stepkids' parents, badmouthing them to the child is never appropriate, even if the child is the one who initiates the conversation.

The Impact of Stepparents Overstepping Boundaries

Children frequently struggle to define or articulate their boundaries. However, crossing them can have a severe impact on children's mental health nonetheless.

Furthermore, overstepping boundaries can also drive a wedge between the child and stepparent, according to Romanoff, as the child is likely to rebel and act in defiance of the stepparent’s wishes. 

How Stepparents Can Avoid Overstepping Boundaries

Here are a few strategies to avoid overstepping boundaries.

• Outline roles clearly: Stepparents need to be clear with themselves and the child about the role they will have in the family from the beginning, says Dr. Romanoff. It’s important to establish their presence in the family, without trying to replace the child’s parents.
• Respect the parents’ parenting style: Stepparents need to work with their stepchild’s parents and understand their parenting style. Respecting it and sticking to it can maintain consistency and help the child feel more comfortable.
• Leave discipline to the parent: “Stepparents need to manage their reactions when it comes to discipline. Instead of getting worked up and reacting to the child’s actions, they should report the misconduct to their partner, for them to decide what action to take,” says Dr. Romanoff.
• Give the child time: Respecting the child’s process, giving them time to get comfortable, and earning their trust can help the stepparent build a bond with the child, without it feeling like they’re overstepping boundaries.
• Understand that the relationship may be different: It’s important to understand and accept that the stepparent-stepchild relationship may differ from the relationship the child has with their parents. Stepparents can eventually become respected and loved mentors to children, but first the threat of them replacing the original parents must be neutralized, Dr. Romanoff explains.

A Word From Verywell

Depending on the circumstances, stepparents often face resistance from their stepchild or their partner’s ex. Even the smallest of actions can cross a boundary or trigger a negative reaction, so it's tough to know the right thing to do.

Try taking things slowly. Make an effort to understand the child’s perspective and be respectful of their process. Patience and pacing can help develop trust and an emotional connection.