Loving Someone With Alcohol Use Disorder—Dos and Dont's

Do Free Yourself From Blame

It's common for someone with AUD to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or others around them, including those who are closest to them. It's common to hear them say, "The only reason I drink is because you..."

Don't Take It Personally

When someone with alcohol dependency promises they will never drink again but a short time later are back to drinking as much as always, it is easy to take the broken promises and lies personally. You may think, "If they really love me, they wouldn't lie to me."

If your loved one has become addicted to alcohol, however, their brain chemistry may have changed to the point that they are completely surprised by some of the choices they make. They may not be in control of their own decision making.

Do Know When to Take a Step Back

Many family members of someone struggling with alcohol dependency try everything they can think of to get their loved one to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this usually results in leaving those family members feeling lonely and frustrated.

You may tell yourself that surely there is something you can do. But the reality is that not even the person dependent on alcohol can control their drinking, try as they may.

Let a Crisis Happen

You may still want to help your loved one when they are in the middle of a crisis. However, a crisis is usually the time when you should do nothing. When someone reaches a crisis point, sometimes that's when they finally admit they have a problem and begin to reach out for help.

For those who love someone living with an addiction, it is very difficult to sit back and let the crisis play out to its fullest extent. When they reach the point in their substance use when they get a DUI, lose their job, or go to jail, for example, it can be difficult to accept that the best thing they can do in the situation is nothing.

You don't have to create a crisis, but learning detachment will help you allow a crisis—one that may be the only way to create change—to happen.

Do Understand They'll Need Outside Help

Substance use disorder is a primary, chronic, and progressive disease that sometimes can be fatal. No matter your background or expertise, your loved one will likely need outside help.

Keep in mind that someone with alcohol dependence usually goes through a few stages before they are ready to make a change. Research suggests that it often takes two to five attempts for a person to successfully quit. Until they begin to contemplate quitting, any actions you take to "help" them quit will often be met with resistance.

Remember, it's not your responsibility to "cure" their AUD. You just happen to love someone who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That's their responsibility, not yours.

Treatment for AUD can include counseling, support groups, and medication.

Don't Accept Unacceptable Behavior

Accepting unacceptable behavior usually begins with some small incident that you brush off with, "They just had too much to drink." But the next time, the behavior may get a little worse and then even worse. You might slowly begin to accept more and more unacceptable behavior. Before you realize it, you can find yourself in a full-blown abusive relationship.

If you have children, it's important to protect them from unacceptable behavior as well. Do not tolerate hurtful or negative comments addressed towards them. These comments can result in lasting damage to a child's psyche.

Protect your children, and don't hesitate to keep them away from someone who drinks and does not respect your boundaries. Growing up in a home where alcohol use is common can leave lasting scars.

Do Have Reasonable Expectations

What might seem like a reasonable expectation in some circumstances might be totally unreasonable when it comes to someone with an addiction. When your loved one swears to you and to themselves that they will never touch another drop of alcohol, you might believe them.

However, for someone with an alcohol dependence, that expectation may turn out to be unreasonable. If the person is incapable of even being honest with themselves, it may not be reasonable to expect them to be honest with you.

Do Stay Focused on the Present

The key to dealing with alcohol dependency in the family is staying focused on the situation as it exists today. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn't reach a certain level and remain there for very long; it continues to get worse until the person with an alcohol problem seeks help.

Don't Enable Their Behavior

Someone with AUD typically doesn't want anyone to know the level of their alcohol consumption because if someone found out the full extent of the problem, they might try to help.

If family members try to "help" by covering up for their drinking and making excuses for them, they are playing right into their loved one's denial game. This is just enabling. Dealing with the problem openly and honestly is the best approach.

Often, in trying to "help," well-meaning loved ones will actually do something that enables someone dependent on alcohol to continue along their destructive paths. Make sure that you are not doing anything that bolsters their denial or prevents them from facing the natural consequences of their actions.

When You Enable Them

What happens when you enable them? The exact answer depends on the specific situation, but typically two things happen: They never feel the pain, and it takes the focus off of their behavior.

For example, if your loved one passes out in the yard and you carefully help them into the house and into bed, only you feel the pain. The focus then becomes what you did (moved them) rather than what they did (drinking so much that they passed out outside). 

When You Stop Enabling Them

Instead, if you do nothing and they wake up on the lawn in the morning with neighbors peeking out the window and come into the house while you and the children are happily eating breakfast, they are left to face the results of their own behavior.

Natural consequences may mean that you refuse to spend any time with the person dependent on alcohol. This decision is not being mean or unkind. It is an act of protection for yourself.

The contemplative stage ends with the decision to make a change, yet further steps such as preparation, action, and later maintenance and likely relapse are usually needed before the addiction is controlled.

Don't Put Off Getting Help For Yourself

If you've been covering up for your loved one and not talking about their addiction openly for a long time, it may seem daunting to reach out for help. However, it's important to make sure you're getting the support you need as well. Lean on the people around you, and, if you need to, reach out to a mental health professional to speak about your stress and what you're going through.

A support group such as Al-Anon Family Groups may also be a helpful source of support when you have someone in your life with a drinking problem. The group can give you a place to get social support and encouragement from others going through a similar situation.