Twinkling lights, poinsettias and shortbread cookies are all Christmas traditions that are welcomed with open arms and mouths in my house. Mistletoe - the spin the bottle of the greenery world - on the other hand, has never once hung from any of my doorways.
I will smash several full sized pine trees into my home (which is quite an accomplishment when you consider I do not in fact live in a National Park,) and I bake enough gingerbread to build entire villages. I watch Hallmark holiday movies until I’m convinced that I will one day meet a lawyer turned rancher who has a side hobby of making artisan Christmas ornaments out of wood he carved from the tree planted by his now deceased parents.
But I don’t hang mistletoe. The lovely traditions that so many of us grew up with have their evergreen scented roots in the Victorian era. The 1800’s brought us Christmas trees and popularized turkey dinners, carolling and hanging poop on a stick in doorways.
This poop stick is what we now know as Mistletoe.
The history of mistletoe goes all the way back to Greek and Norse mythology with a lengthy stay in Paganism before seeping into Christianity. In fact the bubbling cauldron of exaggerations, myths and misleading information surrounding mistletoe goes so far back I’m afraid I’m going to have to stick with the boring facts as I tell the tale of this festive foliage.
Table of Contents
THE NAME
In the early Middle Ages when the Old English language was just becoming popular, a lot of stuff had to get named. Like, everything in the world had to be assigned a word. It took me 2 months to name my cat and I'm still considering changing my dog's name so I’m having a really hard time imagining the undertaking of naming every single thing in existence.
Whoever got put in charge of naming mistletoe decided to name it based on the way it grows. It was widely believed that mistletoe was planted by birds who ate its berries them pooped them out onto tree branches, which is where mistletoe grows; on trees.
So the guy naming mistletoe called it “Misteltan”, which gets its meaning from the Anglo Saxon words mistel, (meaning dung) and tan (meaning twig.) That of course translates to “dung twig” and since nothing says let’s make out more than poop sticks, the tradition of kissing under mistletoe was born.
KISSING
The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe was first popular among the serving class in England before it was adopted by the upper class. Actually, you know what, let me rephrase that, it was popular among the men in both classes.
The women I’m sure would have preferred to eat their own hair than stand anywhere near the mistletoe.
First of all they had probably already endured a really long day of avoiding unwanted kissing, and second of all, according to the “rules” anywhere mistletoe was hung, a man was given the privilege to kiss any woman he wanted to.
Lest you think it seems like the privilege was a teensy bit off balance in this scenario, the woman was also given the privilege of saying no. She would simply endure a lifetime of bad luck, not marry within that year and essentially set herself up to be a warty spinster if she refused a kiss.
THE PLANT
This plant we’ve all come to know as the symbol of love, fertility and smooches (you know, the poop twig) is a real life horror show. The plant is so terrifying we should really be associating it with Halloween or the scariest holiday of them all – Black Friday.
There are more than 1500 species of mistletoe that grow on every continent (other than Antarctica) but that’s not the scary part. The scary part is that the mistletoe species we associate with kissing is a parasitic plant that germinates on tree branches before attaching itself to the circulatory system of its host and sucking the life out of it.
Merry Christmas.
You might be wondering how those seeds really get on the branches to germinate. Some of them do in fact land there after being pooped out by birds who have eaten mistletoe berries, but that’s not mistletoe’s main method of seed spreading.
When the moment is right and its seeds are ready, Mistletoe will projectile vomit its seeds at 80 km an hour across the land, infecting whatever tree might happen to be in its path.
POISON
Oh. And if you’re in Europe it’s poisonous. Therefore if you do willingly end up under the mistletoe be sure to keep your lips closed and have a medical kit stocked with all your basic poison antidote essentials. The American variety of mistletoe might give you a little stomach distress but that’s about it. *
BUT WAIT!
Ready for this seemingly unredeemable plant to parasitically attach itself to that spot in your heart reserved for love? Mistletoe can kill cancer cells. It’s only been proven in test tubes**, but doctors have been prescribing mistletoe extract for cancer patients in the UK and Europe for decades. Mistletoe’s potential for killing cancer has been studied in a clinical trial at Johns Hopkins University. It isn’t approved by the FDA or even 100% proven in patients but it’s hopeful.
The holidays are a time for hope. A time for hoping the next year will be as good or better than the last. And a time for happiness and family and yes, maybe even standing under the mistletoe.
Not just for anyone you understand, but if that rancher/lawyer walks down the hall with a wood ornament in his hands for instance … that might not be such a bad tradition to hold onto.
I originally wrote this piece for The Old Farmer's Almanac. It appeared in the 2023 edition. You can order the 2024 Old Farmer's Almanac, here.
I nearly let this one go unsaid - "If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?"
Hi from Puget Sound, WA! My wife and I have been fans of your missives for years now. It's well overdue, but a big THANK YOU! for your wonderful writing. We just read your Mistletoe posting, laughing out loud along the way. There are many 'magic' things in this world to appreciate, and you are one of them. P.S. My wife also happens to lust after Mr. Idris Elba. Merry Christmas, Live Long & Prosper.
Sincerely,
Cliff & Colette
I guess reading this column was my abs workout for today! Thank you Karen, and Merry Festivus to you!
“a parasitic plant that germinates on tree branches before attaching itself to the circulatory system of its host and sucking the life out of it.”
Sounds a lot like marriage, maybe that’s where the kissing comes in?
This is typical of people doing things just because "it's tradition", and not looking into how or why it's tradition. lol I will gladly (now that I'm informed) relay the tale of poop sticks to anyone who has them hung, everywhere I go. Thank you.
You're welcome. And thank you for spreading word of the poop stick. ~ karen!
Not laughed so hard in ages 🤣 dung twig 😄😆😁.
My daughter just brought in a huge glob of poop stick from our front oak tree. It fell in the un-named storm that just went through Florida and up into Canada. It is proudly displayed in her kitchen in an old chipped white enameled pitcher. Now, thanks to your article, it is truly one of our favorite decor items this year. We love the strange and distasteful part of any celebration but this one is a real winner.
I'm glad I could feed your appetite for the distasteful! ~ karen
This is the funniest thing I have read in ages! I literally laughed out loud at work. Thank you for the hilariously random knowledge update.
What's really funny is when the magazine asked me to write an article on Mistletoe I said no at first. I told them I don't even like mistletoe, so why would I want to write about it? Then I did, lol. ~ karen!
I'm a plant person, so I especially love this one - thanks for the holiday laugh!
Glad you liked it Natalie. I was actually really impressed that The Old Farmer's Almanac published it. :) Good for them for not being as stodgy as a publication started in the 1700's might be expected to be. ~ karen!
Fascinating! Not only the history of mistletoe but that you can find time to watch movies, Karen. I hope you get that lawyer rancher with a penchant for carving wooden ornaments. In my opinion, he'll be the lucky one!
Ha! Thanks Hettie. Now that I think of it, I don't have time for yet another person to thing care of. I hate dusting as it is, let along dusting around a man. ;) ~ karen!
I am from Istria, a peninsula in Croatia. We make an alcolholic drink named biska from misteltoe leaves :).
The first thing that came to mind, was ... I wonder if that drink makes you poop, lol. Sretan Božić! (I had a Croatian boyfriend at one point) ~ karen!
it's just brandy infused with misteltoe leaves... but it will make you so drunk you will poop yourself at some moment :D
Kudos for writing Sretan Božić perfectly correct (now try to pronounce it ;), and even more for being brave enough to date a Croat :D
Nice!
I think those are GREAT reasons not to hang mistletoe!
Not being religious nor into consumerist holidays, and loving trees the way I do, I’ve never had or put up a Christmas tree, never mind hung mistletoe, so I’m easy! 😁
(I’d be fine with a planted or plantable Xmas tree tho. But I after reading this I agree, mistletoe shall not set a leaf in my home!)
I always thought the tradition started as the only way some of us lonely guys could get at least the most meager token of affections once a year. I knew the berries were poisonous and are usually replaced with plastic ones in the stores. But further reading indicates the branches/twigs are also toxic. Mother Nature is out to kill us, says I.
Randy, copping a kiss in this manner is unseemly. No kiss.
Please refrain and look down if you’re in a doorway
One PRESUMES the entire "Mistletoe Exchange of Actions" is conducted between two consenting adults, NOT as a drive-by peck on the cheek. That has to be OK? Even in California? lol
I live with Mistletoe year round - my Goldendoodle (aka Misty). She gets lots of hugs and kisses. The other kind, not in my home either!
Good name! ~ karen
If I get cancer, I’ll dilute some poop stick in vodka and make an IV.
Merry Christmas?
😆😂🤣🤣
Good thinking. You could possibly even serve that as a fun drink for guests. ~ karen!