PERSPECTIVES OF SINGLE PARENTS ON THEIR ROLES, RULES,
RITUALS AND RELATIONSHIPS IN THE COMMUNITY
Saidamin P. Bagolong
Cotabato City State Polytechnic College
[email protected]
ABSTRACT
The challenges of single parents are nothing to snuff at because of the
various obstacles and steep hill to scale in any given society. This study
aimed to explore the perspectives of single parents on their roles, rules,
rituals and relationships in the community. Utilizing descriptive-qualitative
research method using collective case study. A total of 5 single parents
were selected employing an interview guide questions and content
analysis. Findings showed that the major role of single parents revolved
around their families. Their roles in the community and their social life are
most of the time deferred by their family affairs. This resulted to being too
concerned in making and imposing rules inside the house. In terms of
rituals, sharing meals, gathering on special occasions and spiritual
obligation were evident. However, their relationships in community were
seldom observed except to their circle of friends. Thus, single parents
believed that the only way for a successful parenting should be
established and maintained through respect within family and community.
Keywords: single parenting, single parents, sociology, qualitative Method,
Davao City, Philippines
INTRODUCTION
Parenting behaviors are known to have a major impact on
childhood but it has proven difficult to isolate the specific mechanism of
influence (Johnson, et. al., 2012). In this case, parenting lifestyle affects so
much on the behavior of their children, especially, if these parents single-
handedly raise their children.
The idea of single parenting is a very sensitive issue in family
system. It brings risk factor for emotional and behavioral problems in
children and adolescents (Siddiqui and Saabera, 2011). Single parent
Electronic copy available at: http://ssrn.com/abstract=2801344
family may be defined as "A family comprising of a single mother or father
having their own dependent children". The single parent family is created
in a number of ways, may be death of one parent, divorce, separation due
to job or service condition of the spouse (Joshi and Aradhana, 2013). Thus,
if the dominant care giver is the parent in which the children have
residency with majority of the time, if the parents are separated or divorced
children live with their custodial parent and have visitation with their
noncustodial parents, a child will end up with the primary caregiver, usually
the mother, and a secondary caregiver, usually the father (Sahu, 2013).
Globally, the demographics of single parenting show a general
increase worldwide in children living in single parent homes (Rampell,
2010). Today, one-third of American children – a total of 15 million – are
being raised without a father. Nearly five million more children live without
a mother (Andersen, 2013).
In 2012, data confirmed that the U.S. has nearly the highest
incidence of single-parent families among developed countries with 21%,
Hungary 14%, New Zealand 20%, the Czech Republic has 18%, and
Poland, the United Kingdom, Finland, Mexico, Denmark, and France have
shares between 15 and 17 percent, Greece, Korea, Italy, and Sweden
have shares between 8.8 and 9.6 percent; Spain, Iceland, Norway, Ireland,
and the Netherlands, each have shares between 10 and 11.3 percent.
Thus, the family structure for single parenting on child’s outcomes has
potentially adverse effects like lower educational attainment and greater
psychological distress, as well as poor adult outcomes in areas such as
employment, income, and marital status (Woessmann, 2015).
Electronic copy available at: http://ssrn.com/abstract=2801344
In the Philippines, at least 13.9 million Filipinos are single parents
who carry the burden of raising their family by themselves. Some of the
typical problems are related to finances, loneliness, time management,
budgeting, disciplining and decision making. Moreover, government
statistics have shown that solo parents constitute about 14 to 15 percent of
the estimated 94 million Filipinos (Cruz, 2012).
Thus, being a single parent in today's society can be an
overwhelming and stressful challenge. Everyday, the single parent is faced
with raising children, financially maintaining a household, balancing work
and home responsibilities, and trying to find supportive social networks.
These challenges are real as it is nothing to snuff at because of the
various obstacles and steep hill to scale on any given day. (Child
Development Institute, 2013).
It is in this context that the researcher is motivated to explore the
perspectives of single parents on their roles, rules, rituals and relationships
in the community. Also, this study will determine their realizations and
aspirations as single parents. Also, the researcher believes that through
this study, he can identify useful information to assist them with the
complexities they encountered as single parents.
FRAMEWORK
This study is based on a theory where individuals are best
understood in the context of the family system (Minuchin, 1985 as cited by
Lester and Flake, 2013). This means that interactions between parents
and children are bidirectional—that is, family members influence and
modify one another (Sameroff, 1994 as cited by Lester and Flake, 2013).
Thus, each family member's experiences and reactions will reverberate
throughout the system, say, individual distress, such as a combat-related
mental health problem, may affect parenting practices, marital
relationships, or extended family support (Lester and Flake, 2013).
Furthermore, research based on attachment theory has established
that parent-child relationships are fundamental to social and emotional
well-being throughout childhood (Sroufe, 2005 as cited by Lester and
Flake, 2013). Attachment theory describes how children develop a sense
of security from their earliest experiences with a care-giving parent—
specifically, how the parent provides protection and comfort in the context
of threat (Bowlby, 1997 as cited by Lester and Flake, 2013). From their
earliest interactions with a parent, children develop their capacity for
behavioral and emotional self-regulation, and the parents' ability to act as
an external source of emotional regulation for the young child is a primary
predictor of attachment security. Further, a child's confidence that a parent
can provide emotional support enhances his or her capacity to explore
new environments and develop social competencies. These ideas suggest
that children may have less confidence in a deployed parent's ability to
provide reassurance, care, and safety, particularly when the parent is
facing the dangers of war (Lester and Bursch, 2011 as cited by Lester and
Flake, 2013).
OBJECTIVES OF THE STUDY
The purpose of this study was to explore the perspectives of the
single parents on their roles, rules, rituals and relationships in the
community. Also, this study will determine their realizations and
aspirations as single parents.
MATERIALS AND METHODS
This study utilized the descriptive-qualitative research using
collective case study. Qualitative research follows a naturalistic paradigm
based on the notion that reality is not predetermined, but constructed by
research participants (Polit, et al, 2001 as cited by Vishnevsky, et. al.,
2004). Collective case study is a type of case study that describes multiple
cases in order to analyze an issue or problem (Creswell, 2008). In this
study, qualitative research using collective case study through an in-depth
interview was used in order to explore the single parents’ perspectives
about their roles, rules, rituals and relationships in the community. A total
of 5 single parents whose roles they occupy are student, professor,
receptionist and technician were selected. Interview guide questions was
framed for data collection. For valid reliable interpretation of data, content
analysis was employed.
OUTCOMES OF THE STUDY
This section presents the results and analyses on the data gathered.
Discussion was done in the following manner of presentation (1)
perspective of single parents about their roles, rules, rituals and
relationships in the community and (2) realizations and aspirations of
single parents.
Perspectives of Single Parents on their Roles, Rules, Rituals and
Relationships (4R’s) in the Community
Prior to interviewing the perspectives of the single parents about
their roles, rules, rituals and relationships in the community, they were
asked to answer the following questions: how long they have been single
parent? what led them to become one? what was their feeling knowing
that they will be raising their child/children alone? how did they and their
child/children adjust to the situation? and finally, did they have any outside
help in raising the kids?
Based on these questions, the researcher contextualized their
answers following the sequence of 4R’s. Participant 1 said that she has
been a single parent for almost 12 years and the reason why she became
a single parent is that her relationship with her boyfriend (the father of her
son) simply did not work. Realizing that she would be raising her son alone
at first made her feel nervous. She was afraid at first but then later on, she
realized that it was not difficult and her nervousness faded away. Although
she and her son already have adjusted to the situation, there are times
that her son would ask her about the situation and some information about
his father. But according to her, whenever her son asks these questions,
she tells him the truth. She also had outside help in raising her son and
that is her family.
Participant 2, meanwhile, said that he has been a single parent for
almost 3 years. He did not marry the mother of his child because of some
misunderstanding. He found it challenging knowing that he will be raising
his child alone. When asked how did he and his daughter adjusted to the
situation, he said it was not that easy. Though he explained the situation to
his daughter, he knew his daughter would not be able to understand it right
away. As a result, his daughter won’t go near him and would only ask for
her mother. But now that his daughter got used to him already since she is
already living with her father, everything became okay. He admitted that
his parents helped him in raising his daughter, and believed that she will
grow up as a good girl.
Participant 3, on the other hand, has been a single parent for
almost 17 years. She had been acting the role of single parent since her
eldest up to her youngest. The reason, according to her, is that her
relationship with the fathers of her children simply didn’t work because of
misunderstanding. She thought at first, it would be difficult. But
understanding became the key for her and her children to adjust to the
situation. Besides, she has her parents who assisted her in rearing her
children.
Just like Participant 2, participant 4 also has been a single parent
for almost 3 years. They also had misunderstanding with the father of her
child so they decided to break up. The first time she knew, she would be
raising her daughter alone, she felt happy as long as she will be taking the
custody of her child although she was worried about her studies as well as
the financial resources. She worried about how she would raise the child
because she doesn’t have money to support her. Right now, the child still
doesn’t know about the situation and still thinks that she still has a father.
She manages to raise her child alone without any help from other people.
Participant 5 has been a single parent for a year. According to him,
they separated with the mother of his son because of third party. She left
him for someone else and so they broke up. It was difficult for him as he
felt lonely at first reminiscing of the first time he knew he would be raising
the child alone. His son also doesn’t have an idea with the situation and
doesn’t know that he doesn’t have a mother. It a good thing that he
receives support from his family and relatives in raising his child.
Based on their narration, these single parents candidly mentioned
that they don’t have regrets in breaking up with their partner as well as in
raising their child/children since they see joy and happiness from them.
Roles
To assess the respondents’ roles, they were asked to answer these
questions: How does a typical day look for them and their child/children?
What roles do they perform each day from morning until the end of the day?
Do they still have active participation in their community? What are those
activities they participated in? And how often do they respond to a friend’s
call or invitation?
Participant 1 said that it’s a long distance but when she is at their
house in Panabo City, Davao del Norte, her son wakes her up first
because he would ask her what coffee she would like. Then, her son
usually is the one who prepares breakfast. During lunch and dinner, it’s
when they gather together as a family. Every minute, participant 1 would
remind her son of the things he ought to do because he is that type that
when not pushed to do a thing, nothing would happen. Since she gave
birth to her son, she no longer participates in the community activities and
she no longer always responds to a friend’s call for help.
Participant 2 simply said that every day, he acts as a typical father
to her daughter. Every morning he wakes up, he would go near her
daughter before he leaves for work. They only get to see each other in the
afternoon when he gets home. That is their daily routine. In terms of his
role in the community, he said, he no longer participate in the activities but
he can extend help to friends if not busy.
Participant 3, meanwhile, said that she has a normal or typical day
with her family. She wakes up early, cooks food, and fetches the kids to
school. She no longer has active participation in the activities in their
community and responds to some of her friends’ call for help but not all the
time.
Participant 4, on the other hand, describes her day with her child as
a normal day like her neighbors. According to her, she feeds her child and
attends to her needs. They take a bath together and then fetches her to
school. Her daughter goes home at 3pm and she gets home by 6pm, so
she only have time to bond with her daughter at night where she cuddles
her until she gets to sleep. In terms of her participation in the community,
she said none. She only stays at home because she’s also shy to go out in
their community. For her friends, she’s always available but if the problem
is about financial matters, the help depends on her status, as she said.
It is observable that the roles of single parents often revolved
around their families. They are more preoccupied in handling the everyday
chores such as preparing meals for the daily activities of their family. They
see to it that they are able to handle the responsibilities of both roles, as a
mother and as a father. As a friend and as a member of the community,
most of the respondents still aim to compensate however, given the limited
time and resources, they are unable to completely meet these
responsibilities.
Rules
Questions asked are the rules they do in the family, the division of
labor, and the reward and punishment policies they impose.
Participant 1 is much particular with certain policies concerning her
child’s studies. She imposed certain rules such as to avoid frequent
absences in school and staying up late at night. She also imposed
authority in almost every aspect of her child’s activities. Moreover, they
have division of labor at home but it excludes her. Every time her son has
achieved something or has done something that makes her proud, her son
is able to get hugs and kisses from her. On the other hand, every time he
commits mistake, she would just stare at him. Her son only experienced
punishment through spanking once.
For participant 2, rules and division of labor are not yet applicable
because his daughter is still 5 years old so he answered nothing. He said
he gives rewards every time his daughter has achieved something but he
said nothing in particular. In terms of punishment, he admitted that’s
exactly his problem because he gets to spoil her. Every time his daughter
commits mistake, he just tells her that it’s wrong and he never spanks or
punishes her.
Participant 3 imposes a 9:00pm curfew policy at home and she
gives her children tasks and makes a schedule on the household chores
such as who will clean the house and etc. She treats her children to a
restaurant whenever they achieve something that make her proud.
Whenever her children commit mistake, she just usually talk to them.
Participant 4 imposes policies such as being at home at 6:00pm for
dinner, be slept at 8:00pm but she doesn’t force him to eat if he doesn’t
want to. They have division of labor at home but it excludes her son. Her
cousin is tasked to cook for their food. Her elder sister is tasked to clean
the house. Her only tasked is to look after her child, buy food at the market
and budget their money. Whenever her son has done something good,
she treats him to food chain (Jollibbee is his favorite) which she described
as her son’s happiness. She scolds her son when commits mistakes. In
fact, she often spanked him if he doesn’t listen to her.
Lastly, participant 5 imposes a curfew policy wherein he commands
his son to be at home before 7pm when he goes out. He doesn’t delegate
tasks to his son since his son is just 5 years old. He treats his son at his
favorite food chain (Mc Donalds) every time he has done something that
pleased him and usually just talk to him whenever he commits mistake and
just let him realize his mistake.
The researcher observed that single parents used simple forms of
reward and punishment, though at times, strict rules are observed. For
rewards, most of what they do is to treat their children to food chain. On
the other hand, punishments are not so harsh since they only talk to their
children and make them realize their wrongdoings whenever they commit
mistakes.
Indeed, it is evident that in terms of the enforcement of parental
standards, children who are living with single parents especially with a
single mother have a home life that is different from children living with
both the parents. Problems of single parents are more linked with the
upbringing of their children (Brooks, 2001).
Rituals
Questions asked are their line-up or schedule of activities they
follow in the family, the rituals or practices they do together, the chores
they do together as a form of bonding with their family and the activities
they do together with their family, friends and their neighbors during
Sunday and spare time.
Participant 1 said that they really follow a line-up or schedule of
activities. Nothing is planned except certain occasions such as birthdays,
Christmas and anniversary. Every Sunday, two Sundays, they would go to
church to pray (Christ the King), like conviction. Eating together during
breakfast, lunch and dinner is a must. They watch news, debate over non-
sense stuff, crack a joke. Other forms of bonding are eating, going out,
and playing basketball. They eat together all the time and spend a little
chitchat before they go to sleep. She spent her spare time with her family
having chitchats and eating together at the same time. Same goes with
her friends and neighbors.
For participant 2, he emphasized that his family should be reunited
during Christmas. Sunday is the only time he could have bonding
moments as he goes out together with his family. He devotes his Saturday
night to his friends but it depends if they would text him. With his neighbors,
he normally doesn’t spend time with them.
Participant 3, meanwhile, said that she usually follows a schedule of
activities such as going to church at 8am. She shares meal together while
talking about the activities in school. In terms of chores, she usually have
her own schedules for doing the chores. During Sunday, she goes to the
church and finds time to chat with family, friends and neighbors during
spare time.
Participant 4 said that she doesn’t have a fix schedule of activities
since everything still depends on her vacant time. She shares meal during
dinner time and seldom tell stories especially when she is already tired
from school. She sings her daughter songs until she falls asleep and she
goes to church every Sunday. According to her, she seldom hangs out
with her friends, only when she is at school but during weekends, she
normally stays at home, having conversations with her family.
Participant 5 also said that he doesn’t have a lineup or schedule of
activities because it still depends on his vacant time. He shares meal only
during breakfast and dinner. He usually talks at home and asks for
updates about his son’s studies. He also goes out if he’s not busy. He
goes to church during Sundays and usually brings his child to the mall or
park. Usually, he goes out with his cousins for occasional social drinking
and often times plays computer games with his friends.
All the participants make sure that they get to spend time with their
family. They are involved in spiritual activities and Sunday is usually their
best time to have bonding with their children. Majority of them were no
longer have time to spend with their friends and with the community
members.
Relationships
The following information were asked: their relationship with their
child/children, their relationship with the mother/father of their
child/children, their relationship with the community, their relationship with
their friends and relatives.
According to participant 1, she could rate her present relationship
with her son as 10. She described it as perfect even if the father of her son
is not around. She and the father of her son however, are still friends and
they still communicate with each other. Meanwhile, she described her
relationship with the community, friends and neighbors as good. She has a
very nice relationship with her friends and with some chosen relatives as
well.
Participant 2’s relationship with his son, is doing good and though
still adjusting. He said that he and the mother of his son no longer have
sort of relationship. He no longer maintains a good relationship with the
community. It’s not the same as compared to the time when he still doesn’t
have a child.
According to participant 3, described her relationship with her child
as okay but she no longer have any sort of relationship anymore with the
father of her child. She gets to participate in the community whenever
there are activities in the chapel. Her relationship with her friends is okay
and she gets to chat with them once in a while.
Participant 4 described her relationship with her son as very good
although at times she finds it difficult to explain things about her daughter’s
father but she said she can handle it. She still have contact with her child’s
father. She calls him whenever her child needs allowance. In terms of her
relationship with her community, she said, she doesn’t get to meet with the
community members and doesn’t usually go out. She has a good
relationship with her relatives but not with her friends because they are
having a problem right now.
According to participant 5, he has a good relationship with his son
because he both love each other. However, he hasn’t heard from the
child’s mother for almost a year. With his community members, he has a
good relationship with the community especially because he’s friendly,
same way with his relatives and friends.
It can be observed that single parents definitely are able to maintain
a healthy relationship with their children. Most of them no longer are into
social gatherings but still are able to maintain a healthy relationship with
friends and neighbors maybe by keeping in touch with them through an
electronic communication because they consider them as one of their
social support.
Realizations and Aspirations of Single Parents
Raising a child alone for participant 1 is a very difficult and
challenging task yet very fulfilling because she said, her situation led her to
think of only one and that is her son and added that nothing compares to if
you only have one to focus on. For her, it’s very important to have
someone to talk to, to have someone around because it’s very hard to be
the only one accepting responsibilities. Also, it’s important to always think
positive and not to be selfish. She always thinks that her actions are for
him [her son] and that’s her way of thinking, that’s why she can say that
everything is bearable as a single parent.
For participant 2, life with his son despite being a single parent is
more enjoyable compared to the time that he doesn’t have yet a child. His
coping mechanism is to always strive hard in facing every challenge.
Her life as a single parent is described by participant 3 as difficult
but enjoyable. But, she’s still happy despite her being a single mom.
However, participant 4 doesn’t feel the same way. She feels tired
being a single parent especially whenever her child gets sick and the
father of her child is not around. When asked about her coping strategies,
she verbalized “I need to accept it as it is. I just make my life right so that it
won’t be different from others” with a sigh.
Finally, participant 5 described his situation as a single parent as
difficult and lonesome because he doesn’t have a partner in taking care of
his child. Asking for advice from family members particularly his sister and
relatives are the ways he does to cope up with his situation.
As single parents, it can be observed that they don’t have any
regrets because although their life as single parents are very challenging,
still they are willing to embrace it. Their aspirations are to be able to
successfully perform their dual roles to their children. As opined by Kotwal
and Prabhakar (2009) found out that single parents, especially single
mothers, enjoy with the dual roles they have. Being a single parent, to play
the role of father/mother, homemaker, family provider and head of the
household add up to the heavy load of responsibility but still they were
satisfied with their dual roles as they believed that it was for the betterment
of their children.
CONCLUSIONS
Upon analysis of the data gathered through an in-depth interview,
the researcher concludes that the roles of single parents often revolve
around their families. Most of their everyday affairs are focused into taking
care of their child/children. Their roles in the community and their social life
are most of the time deferred by their family affairs. In the same way,
single parents are mostly concerned with making and imposing rules
inside the family. When it comes to rituals, single parents perform basic
rituals such as sharing meals together, gathering on special occasions and
most especially, performing their spiritual obligations during Sundays.
They have less involvement in the community’s activities and only seldom
hang out with friends. Positive relationships within the family, circle of
friends and the community are maintained by single parents despite their
limited involvement in the social and community affairs. Thus, single
parents believed that the only way for a successful parenting should be
established and maintained through respect within family and community.
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