Relationship CPR

Copyright 2016
by Amare Inc

For more information about

Dr. Randi Gunther, go to:
www.HeroicLove.com

None of the information contained in this document or the accompanying video files should be construed as a claim or
representation that the program, Relationship CPR, Heroic Love, or any other program, products, or advice of Heroic
Love, Dr. Randi Gunther, or their agents or assigns, are intended for use in the diagnosis, cure, treatment, or prevention
of disease or mental condition. In dealing with any medical or mental health condition, always consult the appropriate
health professional.

Any reproduction, republication, or other distribution of this work, including, without limitation, the duplication, copying,
scanning, uploading, and making available via the internet or any other means, without the express permission of the
publisher is illegal and punishable by law, and the knowing acquisition of an unauthorized reproduction of this work may
subject acquirer to liability. Please purchase only authorized electronic or print editions of this work and do not
participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.
Table of Contents
STEP 1: Honestly Identify the Symptoms
Exercise 1 - Relationship Evaluation Test
Exercise 2 - The Symptom Barometer

STEP 2: Assess How You Got Here

Underlying Resentments and Drivers of Dysfunctional Behavior
Exercise 3 - The Distance Assessment
Exercise 4 - Sweet Memories Exercise
Other Poisonous Behaviors

STEP 3: Motivation
Exercise 5 - The Motivation Assessment

STEP 4: Love-Boosting Behaviors

Exercise 6 - The 26 Commitments – From A to Z

STEP 5: Progress Assessment

About Randi Gunther

Heroic Love Foundation Programs

Printable Worksheets
Introduction
This workbook is your guide to the program, Relationship CPR. It will help you
and your partner gain a better understanding of the concepts of the program
and provide a place where you can record your answers to the assessments
and exercises.
This program will take several hours of your time or more, depending on how
quickly or slowly you decide to go through it. You can listen to it in segments
and even repeat some of the sections if they feel particularly useful to you or
if you feel you need to hear them again before you continue with the next
step.
I recommend that you listen to the appropriate chapter in Relationship CPR
simultaneously while filling out the assessments in this workbook, since I
will be elaborating on the points raised by the questions. Often you’ll need
to pause the program if you need more time to answer the questions, or if
you have any issues that have been brought up that you wish to discuss with
your partner.
Some of the reflection questionnaires and assessment exercises are meant to
be both a barometer of how close or how distant you’ve become with your
partner, and some are meant to be tools for improving your relationship.
Use these assessments as a means of self-reflection and challenge yourself to
avoid doing the behaviors that are particularly troublesome and toxic to your
love.
If you’re feeling despair and heartache right now, I just want to say that
there is hope for your love. You CAN start over and heal your relationship.
It’s possible to feel closer than ever and be happy with your partner again.
I’ve seen it happen over and over in my clinical practice. Couples who were
on the brink of a separation suddenly begin seeing each other in a whole new
way, and remarkable changes occur. They soften to each other, smile more,
and begin to work together as a team, not as enemies. Tenderness can
return, as can passion and sexual feelings.
All it takes is you and your partner’s commitment to doing whatever it takes
to let go of the destructive patterns and embrace the healthy behaviors that
keep love strong and vibrant.
This workbook will assist you in doing just that.
STEP 1: Honestly Identify the Symptoms

EXERCISE #1: Relationship Evaluation Test

The purpose of this test is to gauge how you’re feeling in this moment and
how you act with each other.
Do this test separately and then compare and discuss your answers with your
partner.

PRINTABLE WORKSHEET #1: Relationship Evaluation Test

*Directions: Click link to open and print 2 copies - one for each partner to work on separately

Exercise #2: The Symptom Barometer Test

These are the symptoms, actions and behaviors that I have observed in
couples when their relationship is in trouble. In this assessment, you’re going
to write down those that apply to your relationship.

PRINTABLE WORKSHEET #2: Symptom Barometer Test

*Directions: Click link to open and print 2 copies - one for each partner to work on separately

After you complete this assessment, share what you feel applies to both of
you, to see how similar your experience of the relationship is. Some people
may feel one way about something that’s incredibly important to them, and
to the other person it means little.
People tend to fight over things they hold sacred. To heal your relationship,
you’ll need to respect and hold sacred anything that means a lot to your
partner, even if it doesn’t mean a lot to you.
Scoring

Compare and contrast your answers to your partners and discuss. Which of
the symptoms does your partner recognize? Which are the ones you most
recognize?
Step 2: Assess How You Got Here
In this step, you have a chance to evaluate how you got to where you are
now. You can’t heal a relationship unless you understand what happened to
shift your relationship.
When you discuss the symptoms and reasons why things have deteriorated,
don’t dismiss or invalidate what your partner is feeling or thinking.
Everybody’s sanity is based upon their reality. You may not like what you
hear. It may wound or upset you, but you have to make truth seeking more
important than feeling better in the moment.

Underlying Resentments and Drivers of Dysfunctional Behavior

These are the underlying reasons why certain symptoms (in the above
section) originate and persist.
Listen carefully to the chapter in the program where I explain why each of
these underlying resentments may exist.
Next to each one, write your thoughts on whether or not you’re experiencing
this resentment yourself or if you think your partner is. Why do you suppose
this resentment is present?
Do this separately. Feel free to share your answers with your partner if and
when you feel comfortable doing so.
Grudges

Defeat and loss

Grief
Exercise #3: The Distance Assessment

The purpose of this test is to help you get even clearer on where you are
right now. It’ll measure how far you’ve drifted apart as a couple.
This may bring about sadness, anger and hurt—that’s to be expected. These
deeper feelings will be part of your motivation later to begin the process of
healing. You must get to a point where you are fully awake to how bad things
have gotten and how much you want them to be different.
Answer as honestly as you can. You won’t be sharing these answers with
each other—at least not right away. They are meant for inner reflection and
to be shared only when you’re on safer ground with each other.

PRINTABLE WORKSHEET #3: Distance Assessment Test

*Directions: Click link to open and print 2 copies - one for each partner to work on separately

The Actions That Cause Distance over Time

Assessing why or how your relationship is in trouble is the most difficult part
of healing, especially when you begin to share with each other. So many
intimate partners just don’t see what they’re doing. They don’t see that
they’re losing each other until they become so distant it seems almost too
late to turn back.
You’re going to look at some of the behaviors that likely could have created
distance between you and your partner. Not all will apply, but many will
have started gently and added up over time.
Answer the following reflection questions privately, using a separate piece of
paper if necessary.
1. Emotional Credit Cards: Do you feel that your partner owes you something
because of what you’ve done for them (or something they've done to you)
in the past?
2. Have you been waiting for your partner to reciprocate for something
you’ve given in the past (for example, time, money, sex, support, etc.)?
3. Do you feel that you’ve given too much of yourself in this relationship?
Why or why not?

4. Do you feel that you’re working more independently inside of your

relationship than as a team?
If so, how does that show up in your daily life?
Exercise #4: The Sweet Memories Exercise

This exercise will help you remember the couple you once were and how
much you loved and believed in each other and the relationship.
This exercise will help you remember the feelings you once shared, so you
can connect with them again and use them as a guiding point for how things
CAN be, once again.
Answer the following twenty questions first, separately from each other.
Give yourself the best chance to revisit the memories that warm your heart
and allow those sweet spots to re-emerge.
The way you feel about your relationship could sway what you are currently
remembering. So really try to go back to what you felt in the past in
whichever way possible.
Next, you’ll want to share these sweet memories with your partner as a way
of understanding where you’ve been and what you want to find again.
It is crucial you take your time with this exercise. Offer as many details as you
remember. When you discuss these later with your partner, talk about why
the memories are re-surfacing and why they were so important to you at the
time.

PRINTABLE WORKSHEET #4: Distance Assessment Test

*Directions: Click link to open and print 2 copies - one for each partner to work on separately

Other Poisonous Behaviors

Consider the following list of behaviors that are toxic to relationships after
listening to the corresponding chapter in the program.
Next to each one, reflect on whether or not this has been a problem in your
relationship and if so, how it has shown up.
Feel free to share these answers with your partner, or keep them private
until you’ve had a chance to work with this program and are in a better place
as a couple.

Unequal sexual appetites

Toxic build up

Possessive of love
Boundary violations
Negative surprises

Family pressure
Step 3: Motivation
You may be in a place of defeat and overwhelm right now. Maybe you’re not
sure things can get better. This is where motivation comes in. Some of us
only change our basic ways of being when we’re facing a crisis. Wouldn’t it
be much better if we prevented the crisis in the first place rather than
perform damage control the rest of our lives?
In this step, you’ll assess how motivated you are to make those changes in
your relationship and then commit to making those changes.

The Motivation Assessment

When you have completed this exercise you will have a better understanding
of how motivated you are and how important making changes is to you. You
will understand your intent and desire to undertake the new skills you’ll be
learning in the next chapter.
Your intention may not always match the likelihood that you will be able to
carry them out—at least not perfectly. The beautiful part of this process is
that you understand yourself much better, and that is your key to making
positive changes in the future.
Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest level of
motivation, interest and energy and 1 being the lowest level of motivation,
interest and energy.

PRINTABLE WORKSHEET #5: Motivation Assessment

*Directions: Click link to open and print 2 copies - one for each partner to work on separately
Step 4: Love Boosting Behaviors
If you’ve worked through all the steps of Relationship CPR with me so far,
you’ve come along way and are closer than ever to bringing your relationship
back to life and making it better than it’s ever been.
You’ve already faced the most painful of your current symptoms and shared
them with each other. Hopefully bringing them out into the open has made
them easier to understand, and taking responsibility for whatever each of
you has contributed instead of blaming the other person has brought you
closer to being a team again.

The 26 Commitments – From A to Z

There are 26 new commitments to behaviors that have the ability to turn
your relationship around, provided you learn and practice them regularly.
Do this exercise together.

PRINTABLE WORKSHEET #6: The 26 Commitments Assessment

*Directions: Click link to open and print 1 copy to work on together with your partner
Step 5: Progress Assessment
Wait at least one month before doing this assessment. This will gauge how
far you’ve come and how much further you still have to go to heal your
relationship.
Do this assessment again in six months, to keep things fresh in your mind and
to remind you of the commitments you made.

PRINTABLE WORKSHEET #7: Progress Assessment

*Directions: Click link to open and print 1 copy to work on together with your partner

Additional Reflection Questions:

What successes have you had in your relationship since you first started
Relationship CPR?
What have been your biggest challenges?

What’s felt easy to change?

What do you both still need to work on?
About Dr. Randi Gunther

You cannot change what you are unwilling to see.

There is a deep longing within each and every one of us
to mean something to a special someone – to feel that
they will never exile us from their heart.
I call it “treasured belonging.”
At your core, you want to know that someone else’s
life would be greatly diminished without you.
It’s a yearning as natural and deep as the urge to breathe. This yearning is
what drives us to find a partner and feel the euphoria of falling in love when
we finally do.
And it’s this same yearning that compels us to work hard to save our
relationships when they are in trouble.
But if this yearning is so powerful, why do we keep stumbling in love? Why
can it be so hard to find a partner to share your life with, and why can that
same love, once found, often seem to slip away?
The answer is that we often look at love through a distorted lens. And until
we see what’s really there, we’ll never learn how to create it and keep it
alive.
That’s where I can help.
As a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern
California for over 40 years, I’ve spent over 100,000 hours face-to-face with
individuals and couples just like you.
Through my private counseling, workshops, and lectures, I’ve helped
thousands to understand their relationships in entirely new ways.
I’ve also helped them see that every relationship is a deal, and that nobody
lasts if that deal goes bad. The creation of a long-lasting, wonderful
relationship is not automatic or easy. Like any other important commitment,
it can only continue paying dividends with a continuous re-investment of
time, energy, and devotion.
In short, as much as you want to feel that “treasured belonging,” you also
have the responsibility to keep becoming the kind of person who will inspire
treasuring – through constant personal evolution.
This is what it means to love like a hero – a fierce commitment to your own
personal growth and to that of your partner. I’ll teach you the skills and
values successful couples practice that ensure their love will continue to
regenerate.
It’s the only way my own marriage has flourished for over 50 years. My
husband and I met when we were in our teens, yet I feel like I’ve been
married to 14 different men – each time I thought I had mastered who he
was, he transformed into someone I wanted to discover again.
I look forward to taking you by the hand, showing you the view from above,
and watching your own heroic love journey unfold.
With much love,

Randi Gunther
Heroic Love Foundation Programs
The solution you need to experience the transformation you want is right in
front of you, but you’re too close to see it – no matter how hard you’ve tried
to look. Our foundation programs, and Dr. Randi’s expert eagle eye, will help
you understand your relationship struggles in a completely different way,
revealing new approaches that really work.

Heroic Love eBook

So many couples start out wildly in love, only to find that they
can’t sustain a loving relationship. That’s because they didn’t
know about the critical ingredients that keep love fresh,
evergreen, and fulfilling for both partners. This book is Dr.
Randi’s labor of love – a distillation of everything she has
learned over the past 60 years helping couples find and keep a
lasting relationship. You’ll learn how to prevent the common
problems that break couples apart, how to avoid the dreaded “honeymoon is
over” phenomenon, and how to create a partnership that propels both you
and your beloved to reach your highest individual potential.
Finding Keepers

Your time is precious. And you want to find the one partner
who will heroically stick it out with you for the long haul – a
true “Keeper.” In this two-hour audio program, Dr. Randi will
teach you how to spot the 12 characteristics crucial to
relationship success and long-lasting love, so you can zero in
on the right partner and avoid getting involved in the wrong
relationships. You’ll also learn how to embody the Keeper
qualities yourself so that the love of your life will never want to let you go.

The Art of Translation

Are your partner’s verbal attacks hurting your feelings? Are

you walking on eggshells or suffering through the “silent
treatment?”
A relationship can’t survive if you’re constantly bickering or
failing to really listen and understand one another. In The Art
of Translation video program, you’ll uncover the underlying
causes and common saboteurs behind your inability to connect. You’ll also
learn the 5 critical steps to effortless and loving communication, along with
step-by-step exercises and techniques that will bring you and your partner to
a deeper level of understanding and intimacy.
Relationship CPR
Exercise Worksheets

Copyright 2016
by Amare Inc

For more information about

Dr. Randi Gunther, go to:
www.HeroicLove.com

None of the information contained in this document or the accompanying video files should be construed as a claim or
representation that the program, Relationship CPR, Heroic Love, or any other program, products, or advice of Heroic
Love, Dr. Randi Gunther, or their agents or assigns, are intended for use in the diagnosis, cure, treatment, or prevention
of disease or mental condition. In dealing with any medical or mental health condition, always consult the appropriate
health professional.

Any reproduction, republication, or other distribution of this work, including, without limitation, the duplication, copying,
scanning, uploading, and making available via the internet or any other means, without the express permission of the
publisher is illegal and punishable by law, and the knowing acquisition of an unauthorized reproduction of this work may
subject acquirer to liability. Please purchase only authorized electronic or print editions of this work and do not
participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.
EXERCISE #1: Relationship Evaluation Test Worksheet
*Directions: Print 2 copies – one for each partner to work on separately

The purpose of this test is to gauge how you’re feeling in this moment and
how you act with each other.
Do this test separately and then compare and discuss your answers with your
partner.
Next to each question, write a number from 1-5 that represents how often
you’d say you do this behavior.
Never = 1

Sometimes = 2

Often = 3

Most of the time = 4

Too much of the time = 5

1. How often are you intentionally mean to your partner?

□1 □2 □3 □4 □5
2. How often do you withhold affection when you don’t get it your own
way?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
3. When you’re having an argument, a conflict or battle, do you try to
make your partner the bad guy and not look at your own accountability
in the interaction?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
4. Are you bitter about your relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
5. How often do you feel that you would just like to quit?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
6. Do you feel that you need to defend yourself?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
7. Do your disagreements keep you apart?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
8. Are the bad times lasting longer?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
9. Are your disagreements repeating themselves?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
10. When you’re in a conflict with your partner, do you push to win at any
cost?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
11. Are you condescending to your partner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
12. Do you use bullying to get your way?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
13. Do you feel unsafe with your partner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
14. Is your partner untrustworthy?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
15. Do your priorities take you away from your partner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
16. Have you become a chronic complainer, a nagger, a person who just
finds fault with everything?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
17. Do you hold grudges?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
18. Do you talk down to your partner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
19. When you have a fight, conflict, or an argument, does one of you
always like to win at the expense of another?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
20. When you and your partner have a conflict, do you spend a lot of time
together trying to figure out who the bad guy is?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Scoring
Add up your scores.
If you scored:
20: Your relationship isn’t dysfunctional.

21-40: Your relationship is slipping, but healable.

41-60: You’re beginning to experience each other as enemies.

61-80: Your relationship is headed for crisis, may not be healable.

81-100: Your relationship is in crisis.

EXERCISE #2: The Symptom Barometer Test Worksheet

These are the symptoms, actions and behaviors that I have observed in
couples when their relationship is in trouble. In this assessment, you’re going
to write down those that apply to your relationship.
Alongside each of the symptoms you’ll write a number from 1-10 to indicate
how often this particular symptom is present in your actions.
1 = never

5 = sometimes

10 = always

(and you select the range in between, depending on the frequency)

Afterward, share what you feel applies to both of you, to see how similar
your experience of the relationship is. Some people may feel one way about
something that’s incredibly important to them, and to the other person it
means little.
People tend to fight over things they hold sacred. To heal your relationship,
you’ll need to respect and hold sacred anything that means a lot to your
partner, even if it doesn’t mean a lot to you.
1. How often do you use wipe-out statements (always, never…)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
2. How often do you use character assassination (“You are… selfish, ugly, a
liar”)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
3. How often do you consider yourself superior (“I would never do
that!”)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
4. How often do you use rip-tides (both of you are talking, no one is
listening)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
5. How often do you use mockery or sarcasm to make a point (“You’re a
real genius, aren’t you?”)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
6. How often do you engage in chronic whining, nagging and complaining?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
7. How often do you get defensive (“ME?! What about YOU?!”)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
8. How often do you make threats of leaving (“I’m out of here.” or “Get
out!”)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
9. How often do you punish with words, never let partner forget
mistakes?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
10. How often do you need to win at any cost (“This is why you’re
wrong.”)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
11. How often do you start a sentence with the word, “why” (“Why don’t
you get it?”)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
12. How often do you badger on one focus point (“I’m going to keep at you
until I’m blue in the face.”)?

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10

Scoring

Compare and contrast your answers to your partners and discuss. Which of
the symptoms does your partner recognize? Which are the ones you most
recognize?
EXERCISE #3: The Distance Assessment Worksheet

The purpose of this test is to help you get even clearer on where you are
right now. It’ll measure how far you’ve drifted apart as a couple.
This may bring about sadness, anger and hurt—that’s to be expected. These
deeper feelings will be part of your motivation later to begin the process of
healing. You must get to a point where you are fully awake to how bad things
have gotten and how much you want them to be different.
Answer as honestly as you can. You won’t be sharing these answers with
each other—at least not right away. They are meant for inner reflection and
to be shared only when you’re on safer ground with each other.
No = 1

Kind of = 2

Some of the time = 3

Mostly = 4

Absolutely = 5

1. Honestly, would you feel more relief than sadness if you didn’t try to fix
this relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
2. Are you focusing more on what is wrong now, than what you’ve valued
in the past?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
3. Have you withheld your thoughts and feelings from your partner for
fear they wouldn’t listen?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
4. Are you absolutely sure that your present unhappiness is only due to
your relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
5. Have you turned away your partner’s attempts to care for you?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
6. Have you been withholding your own affection?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
7. Do you believe you’ve made your partner a less important priority in
your life because it doesn’t pay off as much?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
8. Have you stopped putting energy into the relationship, thinking it won’t
matter anyway?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
9. Have you turned away your partner’s desire to make the relationship
better, even when he or she has tried?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
10. Have you pretended to be closer than you are because you don’t want
to push him/her away further?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
11. Are you feeling more alive and energetic when you’re away from your
partner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
12. Do you find yourself more easily irritated when your partner tries to
talk to you?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
13. Have you begun sharing private things you don’t like about your
partner with others? (Not necessarily with your best friend, but with
mere acquaintances or even strangers?)

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
14. Do you feel tired of trying to make things better?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
15. Are you wondering if life would be better if you just weren’t in this
relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Scoring

0-15 = You’re still motivated to work on this relationship.

16-30 = You’re wavering somewhat in your commitment but you want to give with
every chance you can.

31-45 = You’re seriously distressed most of the time and wondering if you could keep
trying.

46-60 = You’re holding on but you’re losing hope.

61-75 = You’re having trouble believing the relationship can ever work.
EXERCISE #4: The Sweet Memories Exercise Worksheet

This exercise will help you remember the couple you once were and how
much you loved and believed in each other and the relationship.
This exercise will help you remember the feelings you once shared, so you
can connect with them again and use them as a guiding point for how things
CAN be, once again.
Answer the following twenty questions first, separately from each other.
Give yourself the best chance to revisit the memories that warm your heart
and allow those sweet spots to re-emerge.
The way you feel about your relationship could sway what you are currently
remembering. So really try to go back to what you felt in the past in
whichever way possible.
Next, you’ll want to share these sweet memories with your partner as a way
of understanding where you’ve been and what you want to find again.
It is crucial you take your time with this exercise. Offer as many details as you
remember. When you discuss these later with your partner, talk about why
the memories are re-surfacing and why they were so important to you at the
time.

Scoring - Here’s a scoring guide to get you started:

Never = 1
Rarely = 2
Sometimes = 3
Often = 4
Regularly = 5
Go back to a time when you were first falling in love. Ask yourself,
1. Did you make time for regular, uninterrupted intimate connections?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?

2. Did you regularly check in with each other to let each other know when
you were hurting or needing something or wanted changes in your
relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
3. Could you tell each other when you were sacrificing your own needs
and whether you expected something in return?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
4. Were you able to ask each other for what you wanted without fear of
invalidation?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
5. Did you trust that you could share painful or embarrassing things with
your partner without feeling judged?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?

6. Did you challenge each other without fear of being inappropriate, and
trust that your partner would want to know more?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
7. Did you trust each other to honor your agreements?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
8. Did you make it comfortable and welcoming for your partner to open
up to you?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
9. Were you able to handle conflicts without blaming each other?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?

10. Could you tell each other that you were concerned that you were
drifting apart and trust that your partner would listen and want to do
something about it?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
11. When you were upset, did you trust your partner would be there to
listen and help?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
12. Were you supportive of each other’s dreams and desires, even if they
weren’t your own?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
13. Did you feel deeply known but still beloved? Did you feel your partner
loved you enough that those things didn’t matter?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
14. Could you honor each other’s boundaries?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?

15. Were you glad to see them? When they left, did you know you’d miss
them?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
16. Did you feel like a team, that your partner had your back, was willing to
listen and get you through things that were sad?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
17. Were you proud of each other outside of your relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
18. Can you remember being resilient even when your partner couldn’t be
there when you wanted?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
19. Could you laugh together at your mistakes and let go of things that
were dark or sad?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?

20. Did other people like to be around you as a couple?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
Are there particularly sweet memories about this that come up now?
Scoring

81-100: You had something really special. It was amazing.

61-80: You got off to a good start.
41-60: Committed enough to be together, maybe never developed the skills
required for a long-term relationship to succeed. Don’t give up.
21-40: You may have committed prematurely and now you’re not sure if
you belong together. This program will help you decide if that’s really the
case.
EXERCISE #5: The Motivation Assessment Worksheet

When you have completed this exercise you will have a better understanding
of how motivated you are and how important making changes is to you. You
will understand your intent and desire to undertake the new skills you’ll be
learning in the next chapter.
Your intention may not always match the likelihood that you will be able to
carry them out—at least not perfectly. The beautiful part of this process is
that you understand yourself much better, and that is your key to making
positive changes in the future.
Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest level of
motivation, interest and energy and 1 being the lowest level of motivation,
interest and energy.

BEHAVIOR MOTIVATION COMMITMENT SCORE

How motivated are you to
How likely are you to
Availability spend more time with your x =
make this time happen?
partner?

How likely are you to

How motivated are you to
increase the energy you're
Energy drive up your energy in x =
putting into this
this relationship?
relationship?

How motivated are you to How likely are you to put

Empathy be in your partner's heart x your partner's needs =
and mind? above yours?
How motivated are you to How likely are you to keep
Authenticity speak honestly and x your agreement to be =
authentically? honest and authentic?

How motivated are you to How likely are you to act

Sacred Space create a sacred space and x on your motivation and =
rebuild your relationship? create that sacred space?

How motivated are you to How likely will you be to

Critical Part of
recommit and try to hold x hold to your commitment =
Motivation
on? if things don't go well?

How motivated are you to

How likely are you to stay
Self- be accountable for your
x accountable to your part in =
Accountability own part in the
the relationship?
relationship distress?

Motivation to How motivated are you to How likely are you to fight
x =
Fight fight for this relationship? for this relationship?

How motivated are you to How likely are you to start

Trust learn to trust your partner x learning to trust your =
again? partner again?

Scoring

Take the numbers from the Level of Motivation column and multiply it by the
Commitment to Change column. Place that product into a third column.
So if in fact your motivation was a 10 and your commitment level was a 3
that product would be a 30.
The highest score you could possibly get is 10s in all columns, or 900.
You’d be intensely motivated to change the behavior in all 9 areas and you’d
also be very confident you could make those changes.
EXERCISE #6: The 26 Commitments Assessment – From A to Z
*Directions: Print 1 copy to work on together with your partner

There are 26 new commitments to behaviors that have the ability to turn
your relationship around, provided you learn and practice them regularly.
Do this exercise together.
Prioritize which ones are most important now on a scale of 1-10.
1 = least important

10 = most important

1. Be generous with your words of kindness and encouragement.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
2. Give up the assignment of blame.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
3. Choose authenticity when you can.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
4. Make your partner your first priority when at all possible, especially
when your partner asks for it and needs it.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
5. Create a team.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
6. Give up self-serving control.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
7. Take responsibility for your own contribution.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
8. Be aware of your own negative patterns.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
9. Ask for what you want and openly listen to what your partner needs in
the moment and in the future.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
10. Regularly talk about dreams and how your needs/desires/hopes
change.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
11. Balance security and independence.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
12. Adapt to each other’s pace.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
13. Work on conflict resolution.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
14. Stop doing the relationship in your own head.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
15. Choose courage.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
16. Give up your sabotaging behaviors.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
17. Embrace serial monogamy.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
18. Be chivalrous and sacrifice for your partner.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
19. Have trust and re-establish faith in the relationship.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
20. Be kind.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
21. Focus on process over content in communication.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
22. Stay current and handle problems as they come up.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
23. Have humiliation.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
24. Appreciate each other and life in general.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
25. Identify your negative ruts so you can put a stop to them as soon as you
recognize them.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
26. Identify old grooves and look for ways to deepen new ones.

□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6 □ 7 □ 8 □ 9 □ 10
What are the top 5 areas that are most important to both of you?

What are the 5 least important areas right now?

EXERCISE #7: Progress Assessment Worksheet
*Directions: Print 2 copies – one for each partner to work on separately

Wait at least one month before doing this assessment. This will gauge how
far you’ve come and how much further you still have to go to heal your
relationship.
Do this assessment again in six months, to keep things fresh in your mind and
to remind you of the commitments you made.
Put the corresponding number next to each statement.
1 = Not as often as I know I should, because I tend to let other things get into the way
then I lose that balance.

2 = I’m aware and conscious more often than not about that balance but I still don’t
stay on top of this the way I really want to.

3 = I realize that when I slipped a little and lose that balance I do get on track as soon
as I can.

4 = I’m beginning to catch myself earlier and actually turning things around much
sooner.

5 = I’m seeing myself doing this more often than not.

6 = I’ve got this down. It’s a part of the way I live my life now. I don’t even have to
think about it.

1. Are you balancing or caring for yourself or taking care of your partner’s
needs?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
2. Are you staying attentive to how you’re interacting with each other?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
3. Choose authenticity when you can.

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
4. Are you remembering to lead with compassion and validation when
you talk with your partner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
5. Are you able to keep things light when you can? Doesn’t mean
minimizing.

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
6. Can you de-escalate conflicts before they become destructive?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
7. Are you remembering to stay in the moment instead of relying on the
past or future?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
8. Are you keeping your promises?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
9. Do you try to see your partner’s point of view?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
10. Are you recognizing old useless patterns and replacing them with
positive ones?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
11. Are you making sure your expectations are in line with what’s possible?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
12. Are you keeping your mutual altar place current and sacred?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
13. Are you maintaining your motivation to energetically work on your
relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
14. Are you being authentic and honest about what you need?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
15. When you have a disagreement, are you finding time to debrief in a
timely manner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
16. Are you checking in with each other frequently to make sure that
you’re on the right track?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
17. Are you remembering to save prime time energy for your partner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
18. Can you support your partner when he/she wants something that’s
important, but not your priority?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
19. Are you committed to bringing new ideas to your relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
20. Are you remembering to not be possessive or controlling about your
partner’s thoughts and actions?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
21. Are you maintaining your own devotion to staying healthy?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
22. Are you staying open to giving up old ways that aren’t good for you or
your relationship?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
23. Are you holding on to memories for positive purposes?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
24. Are you living your life intentionally and not reactively?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
25. Are you being heroically courageous in talking to your partner?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
26. When you communicate with your partner, do you focus more on the
process and not the words?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
27. Are you remembering to always live in the heart of your beloved when
you’re not together?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
28. Are you remembering to treasure each moment as if it were your last
together?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
29. Are you remembering the importance of touch?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
30. Are you remembering that your love is a blessing and never an
automatic gift?

□1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5 □ 6
Scoring:

If you’re between 150 and 180, you’re doing unbelievable well. You’ve mastered the
skills of a great relationship partner and you will be a model for everyone you meet.

120-149, you’re still a winner and doing great.

90-119, you’re well on your way, but of course there is room for improvement.

60-89, you may need to go back over Relationship CPR and pick up to work on areas
you may not have mastered.

30-59, keep practicing but please don’t be discouraged. You will get better, I promise.

0-29, you may have overestimated your motivation. Make sure you’re both in the
game.