Family Ties: How Siblings Shape You

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Family ties
H O W s ib l i n g s s h a p e yo u
Its said you can choose your friends but not your relatives. But, writes Bonnie Vaughan, for better or worse our siblings help mould us as adults
Learn i ng about friendship
safe to say that one of the most complex relationships we will have in our lifetime is the one we have with our siblings. Its certainly the longest most of us will ever know including our relationship with our parents, our partners or our friends. Depending on how you feel about your sibling, this can be the most comforting assessment youve ever heard, or the most alarming. But no matter which camp youre in, its worth taking a fresh look at these relationships because recent studies have shown that they play a major role in moulding and shaping not only our childhoods but also who we become as adults. Heres how. Dr Goldenthal. The flip side, however, is extreme, prolonged sibling rivalry. Bitter competition for parents love and attention, especially when fuelled by perceived parental favouritism, can have a decidedly negative effect. If favouritism is shown towards one sibling, the other suffers emotionally, says Dr Nitin Dharwadkar, senior lecturer in psychological medicine at Monash University. That can translate later in life into depression, anxiety or chronic low self-esteem.

Its

Any kind of childhood sibling relationship, even those that involve conflict, can have a positive effect on our ability to interact with peers. A five-year study of two-year-olds, conducted by researchers at the University of Cambridge, found that during these crucial years of cognitive and social development, a childs social understanding was accelerated by their interaction with siblings even among those who engaged in mild forms of sibling rivalry. The accepted wisdom is that sibling relationships are the prototype of adult relationships, says Dr Peter Goldenthal, a US-based clinical psychologist and author of Beyond Sibling Rivalry (available from Amazon). Its your first peer relationship. Thats why theyre so important. Through pretend play, competition and even bickering, were learning how to read emotions, express feelings, compromise, negotiate alliances and resolve conflict, says
striving for individuality

Theres a technique each of us with siblings is hardwired to practise known as de-identification. We strive to make ourselves as different from our sibling as possible. If one sibling is compulsively tidy, the other will be messy; if ones academic, the others artistic; and so on. One reason we do this is because were jockeying for our parents affection, but it can also stem from a desire to distance ourselves from a sibling to whom we simply
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Photography corbis / Gemma Booth/trunkarchive.com/snapper media / getty images
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copi ng with sibling rifts

There are countless reasons why we may not get along with our siblings. It could be as simple as feeling that we have nothing in common with them, or as messy as an out-of-control family feud. Resentments born in early childhood stemming from the various roles in which we might be cast (the smart one, the pretty one, the teasing older brother, the moody younger sister) or the rivalries we may develop can spill over into adolescence, adulthood and even old age. Unfortunately, those wounds run deep and can be extremely difficult to heal. By the time people are old enough to realise they have a problem with their sibling that they want to do something about, so much has happened, says Dr Goldenthal. And so much of it has not been under your control. If your parents have done anything that has contributed to an intense, nasty sibling rivalry, its extremely hard to undo that. About 80 per cent of people in the Western world have at least one living brother or sister, and studies show that around two-thirds report that they are close to their siblings. Still, that leaves a third out in the cold with extremely conflicted feelings. People often say, You should be close to your brother or sister, but theres no should about it, says Dr Goldenthal. There is no particular reason why you and your sibling should automatically click. In his practice, Dr Dharwadkar sees two stages that lead to chronic adult sibling rifts: the first is when a dying parent seems to be taken care of by only one
determining ou r mental health and self-esteem

dont relate, or a primal urge to make our own mark on the world. This process helps children figure out who they are, says Dr Dharwadkar. Its one of the many things they learn from growing up with brothers and sisters, Dr Dharwadkar adds. A 2007 US study of a group of men conducted over more than 30 years found a strong connection between a poor childhood relationship with siblings and an increased risk of depression in adulthood factoring in the quality of the childrens relationship with their parents, early loss of a parent and family history of depression. Other studies have found a connection between positive sibling relationships in adolescence and higher self-esteem, academic competence and empathy, prompting further studies into the nature of these relationships.
influencing our transition into adulthood

In the world of sibling research, this stage of life is still a new frontier. Researchers are just beginning to put together the puzzle of how major life events and milestones, such as finishing school, going to university, leaving home, starting a job, getting married and having children, can affect the nature of sibling relationships and how those relationships may affect these transitions. A younger sibling, for instance, may experience feelings of loss when an older sibling leaves home or alternatively, if they fought bitterly, they may feel a huge sense of relief and newfound sense of self. If the departing sibling makes a successful transition into his or her independent new world, it could inspire how and when the younger sibling takes the same leap and the ultimate outcome for both of them, personally and professionally, can further affect both the relationship as well as each siblings feelings of achievement and self-worth. 74
enjoyi ng our later years

For better or worse, nobody knows us quite as well as our siblings. They are a part of our core identity. And when our children have grown up, friends have drifted away and our parents are gone, their presence in our lives can provide an immeasurable sense of comfort. Good sibling relationships can increase the overall morale of the elderly, especially when theyre going through health or emotional crises, Dr Dharwadkar says. They act as companions, share reminiscences and validate each others sense of self. But maintaining close sibling ties takes work, and we should be mindful of that before we skate off into the hectic world of adulthood, with all its obligations and distractions.
sibling while the other is more involved with their own family or occupation, and the second is after the death of a parent, where the will is contested or where it states that a predominant portion is left to the more attentive sibling. Ive known people who were absolutely good mates for most of their lives and in their 60s, when a parent has died, they wont have anything to do with each other, Dr Dharwadkar says. Falling out with a sibling can be very lonely. Most people you confide in will advise you to just try to patch things
up. But as Dr Goldenthal points out, it takes two. Just because you love your brother or sister and you feel sad, and perhaps guilty, that theyre not in your life, thats not enough, he says. Ultimately, both people have to want to make it better. So how do you cope when, despite your best efforts, theres no hope of reconciliation? First, suggests Dr Dharwadkar, you have to reach acceptance and know that youve tried
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all you can and that if you keep trying, it might only lead to more hurt. Accept that this is the way it is and make a commitment that you have to move on, even though you might not like it. Part of moving on involves going through the grief process. As Dr Dharwadkar explains, Initially, you have a sense of despair, a bit of depression or sadness and guilt. That will be followed by anger, frustration and then, if you deal with the grief adequately, a positive and negative mix of memories. And finally, if you have a good resolution of that grief, youll be left with only positive memories of that relationship. Thats how we deal with loss.
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goodpsychology.

striving for individuality

Photography corbis / Gemma Booth/trunkarchive.com/snapper media / getty images

copi ng with sibling rifts

determining ou r mental health and self-esteem

influencing our transition into adulthood

enjoyi ng our later years

Mini Aroma Diffuser RRP $79.95

Newtial n esse il o d blen

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