They taped over your mouth

Let me try to explain. There are times when I can be aware of what my body is doing, and what is going on around me, yet feel completely detached and removed from the situation. I hear the words coming out of my mouth, yet I only have an ounce of control of what I am doing. I often do not even know what I will say until it has already been said, and the words often feel hollow, like I am a disinterested, eavesdropping bystander on a train.

This is the struggle of “who am I”. Who am I in this moment. By trying to determine who I am, and why my perceptions and ideals have suddenly shifted, I can start on the journey inward to learn more about myself. For me, it has never been about “call me X, she’s Y, he’s Z and we are all separate.” However, having that knowledge for myself is very important. Knowing what each of these identities feels like, and sounds like, and thinks, can help me to meet their needs to assist the larger group of a better functionality. Better functioning means a more whole life experience. That is the goal, is it not? We all are people in the world trying to live lives as best we know how. When you have a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder, the idea of “finding yourself” becomes exponentially more layered. “Who am I” isn’t just some kitschy phrase that you hang on your bulletin board, but a struggle everyday in redefining yourself. On good days, I am having to discover myself and the layer of dissociated identities that, to be quite honest, are not always incredibly thrilled with my existence.

I have been in therapy for over 7 years, and I can tell you that whomever came up with the idea that people with Dissociative Identity Disorder treatment tends to take 5-10 years, is either delusional or fooling themselves. The average person’s quest for “self” tends to last their entire life. They are constantly discovering new aspects of themselves. When you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, you have to discover that after muddling, clawing, screaming, or crying through varying levels of dissociation, memory loss, personality changes, and erratic behavior. If it takes the average person a lifetime to truly discover themselves, someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder will not have the answers in 10 years. It is a lifetime commitment to stay present, to stay healthy, and to live purposefully. If you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, you don’t get to brush someone off when they say you are acting strangely. “What’s wrong with you today?” can rapidly turn into an inner panic attack of “Am I dissociated? Who am I? What is going on?”

I don’t have any answers, but I have thoughts and I want to get them out there. Because someone, somewhere is dealing with the same thing. Dissociative Identity Disorder is alienating, despite the jokes about “never being alone”. We have this disorder because somewhere, sometime, we were desperately alone.


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