The Embargo Embargo Embargo lifts tonight and I was lucky enough to see Timothy Walter Burton receive his linoleum star today so I’m tapping in ahead of the release date to tell you that this movie fucking ROCKS and that whatever marketing exec decided to sell this as The Juice Awakens or Beetlejuice: Romulus should be shot into orbit at high velocity. Go see it!!!

Moreover, in keeping with tradition I ate the ENTIRE Denny’s Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Promotional menu in list order in a single (one) ((1)) sitting.

My receipt came out to $50.91.

The menu included:

Say it Three Times Slam®:

The breakfast dish so nice, you'll say it thrice. Comes with three silver dollar chocolate chip pancakes topped with vanilla cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate chips and green sprinkles. Served with three eggs* cooked your way and three strips of crispy bacon.
Cal 720-940 8.99

Absolutely decadent. There’s a reason that these menus tout the caloric content and NOT the sugar/macros because one bite out of these and my lips/mouth withered down into a seeping dry wound. I think there was enough sugar in the Say it Three Times Slam® to reward the Warner Brother’s Beetlejuice Beetlejuice child labor farm through the next eight legacyquels. Unlike the promotional image, the green sprinkles were like little beads instead of little grubs. Disappointing. It looked a lot like when my friend Peter took a 10mg edible and yakked half digested green airheads bites everywhere, except of instead of marinating in vaguely red “Popcorn Butter Flavored Oil” they were made soggy by at least a pint of chocolate syrup and white “sauce” that I could have sworn tasted like a sweet bean dip. It was so thick I had to literally cut it with a fork before spreading it on the soggy ass wet pancakes. This is not hyperbolic. (I get that the look of the dish is supposed to evoke BJ but the presentation was lacking.) The bacon was wholly unremarkable. Pretty much indistinguishable from a hotel breakfast. The eggs* however were absolutely rancid. If you notice in the listing there’s a strategic asterisk attached to the word “eggs,” which I assume refers to a fine print somewhere in the menu that helpfully informs prospective customers that the Say it Three Times Slam® contains sunny side up Decorative and silicone substitute eggs* laid in a factory by Decorative and silicone substitute Chickens. The good news about the strangely chunky and sour Sunny Side Up Eggs*? Like the rest of the “meal” it comes in a stack of three. The bad news? You have to eat three eggs* that are mostly shell. In my encounter with promo tie-in food, eggs and dairy seem to be the primary trouble spots for many. (My guess is the cost of promotion prevents them from serving actual food.)
 
The Afterlife Melt

The infernal favorite is back! This triple cheese threat is made with fried mozzarella sticks, melted American and Provolone cheeses grilled between two slices of artisan bread. Served with tomato sauce for dipping and wavy-cut fries.                                                           Cal 1360 14.49

I’ve made a concerted effort to limit how much fat and salt I pump into my gullet but what can I say? Maybe that The infernal favorite is back! This triple cheese threat is made with fried mozzarella sticks, melted American and Provolone cheeses grilled between two slices of artisan bread. Served with tomato sauce for dipping and wavy-cut fries. I can also say that by and large this was probably the most merciful of any dish I’ve encountered in my travels. (Yes, I am lactose intolerant but this is the eating half of the review!)    That being said, on the scale between barbarism and decadence this definitely skewed to the latter. I’ve been putting a lot of thought into visual metaphors in the filmic language as of late and realized that the look of the dish (picture a horizontally cut grilled cheese sandwich with bread tubes sticking out oozing mozzarella and lard) could be a direct analog for my own clogged heart’s long suffering aorta.
                   
Beetlejuicy Burger

Invoke freakishly good flavor with three quarter pound patties, three strips of crispy bacon, three slices of Provolone cheese, topped with signature Diner sauce, pickles, onions, tomatoes, and lettuce, all stacked high on a golden Brioche Bun. Served with wavy-cut fries. Cal 1690 16.79

I try to make a point to eat every “challenge” meal they have at various burger joints, especially when the meal is free. I’ve never been bested by a single one. I have my shit eating mug in diners and grills across the country. Compared to the two pound, three pound and four pound courses I’ve subjected myself to this was light work, and frankly not even worth critiquing. It’s a good burger! Again with the threes though. Why stop at three quarter pound patties, three strips of crispy bacon, three slices of Provolone cheese? Is it because those are three distinct ingredients?? It’s so abstract that I can’t really believe this was their reasoning. Rather, I cite plain and simple cowardice and malfeasance. I’ve had burgers like this across the country. They taste good but that aftertaste… disappointment! Half the reason I partake in these promo items is because I want to experience what a global four quadrant IP tastes like. The other half is I want to eat freaky ass fuckin food. I’ve eaten a dozen of these Beetlejuice Burgers sans branding across the country…. but never in my goddamn piece of shit life have I been served a burger with three quarter pound patties, three strips of crispy bacon, three slices of Provolone cheese, three pickles, three onions, three tomatoes, and three servings lettuce, stacked high on three golden Brioche Buns. Thats a fucking challenge. Whenever Threetlejuice Threetlejuice Threetlejuice comes out with AI resurrected Otho best believe my Threetlejuicy Burger idea will sweep the whole nation. 

Cookies ‘N’ Scream Shake

Shake but not from fear with this treat made with premium vanilla ice cream, OREO® cookie pieces, topped with whipped cream, more OREO® cookie pieces and green sprinkles.                                         Cal 1160 5.99

If you please, imagine a lanky prick in a Denny’s with his hands resting on his engorged stomach staring at a half melted goblet of green and brown sludge. Now imagine a twin metal jar of sludge sitting directly next to it. Imagine this poor bastard cracking his neck and drinking as much as he can in one breath. For you this is merely an image you can discard instantaneously in your mind. Some of us are not so lucky.

Whenever I “want” a milkshake (Besides promo items and food challenges I eat very clean) I usually to Steak N’ Shake and get the smallest one I possibly can. Why? As I’ve mentioned I am lactose intolerant. If I drink a small milkshake I need to white knuckle a rosary on the shitter. Make that milkshake a large. Make it green. Drink it as a chaser to a Mozzarella stick butter sandwich with cheese, cream pancakes and an ultra processed provolone burger. Add on syntehtic eggs? I learned very quickly and very painfully that when dealing with a demon, prayer is not enough. The raw material that came out of me couldn’t have been exorcized by every clergyman in the continent. I feel like I may be a masochist of some kind. That’s Denny’s for you.