Bert Kreischer faces a familial crisis and the arrival of his estranged father when the ghost of his booze-soaked past arrives: a murderous mobster hellbent on kidnapping Bert back to the motherland to atone for his crimes. Together, he and his father must retrace the steps of his younger self in the midst of a war between a sociopathic crime family while they attempt to find common ground.
Bert Kreischer Mark Hamill Jimmy Tatro Stephanie Kurtzuba Nikola Đuričko Iva Babić Martyn Ford Robert Maaser Jess Gabor Rita Bernard-Shaw Oleg Taktarov Amelie Child-Villiers Aleksandar Srećković 'Kubura' Jovan Savić Marko Nedeljković Set Sjöstrand Mercedes De La Cruz Vladimir Gvojić Aleksandar Dragutinovic Đorđe Simić Brian Caspe Ivana Antonijevic Miodrag Dragičević Milena Predić Andrija Nikčević Tea Wagner Dobrila Stojnić
Shaken, Not Stirred Productions Balkanic Media Legendary Pictures Uh Hundred Percent Levity Productions
La Máquina, A Máquina do Crime, Makine, Kdo se směje teď, الآلة, Maszyna, 机器也疯狂, Bert, a csúcsfegyver, 더 머신, Машина, Cỗ Máy, เดอะ แมชชีน ตำนานป่วน มาเฟียชวนปล้น, 怪咖父子勇戰黑手黨, Mašina, המכונה, Mašīna, Машината, 騎呢父子勇戰黑手黨, द मशीन
Belgium18
AustraliaMA 15+
Denmark15
Germany16
Puerto RicoR
USAR
Ireland15A
UK15
Sweden15
Puerto RicoR
USAR
France16
Puerto RicoR
USAR
Israel16
Puerto RicoR
USAR
Australia
Belgium
Denmark
France
Germany
Ireland
Israel
Puerto Rico
Sweden
UK
USA
After discovering the “live theatre experience” that ran $26.50 a ticket was a 30 minute livestream where I got to see Bert Kreischer cry, play flip cup, and watch some guy so drunk and limp you’d think he was on opiates do “red carpet” interviews — I felt both ripped off and completely satisfied. To my slight surprise, much funnier than the film.
Bert Kreischer stars as John Wick with man tits and acute alcoholism, do you really need anyone to tell you this is lame and dogshit?
0.0/10
Mark Hamill does cocaine.
This was fun, if you’re a big fan of Bert you’ll probably have a good time, if not this movie isn’t for you. A little too long, and not all the jokes land but there are some great ones, and surprisingly some cool action.
This was surprisingly fun even if it’s equally dumb. Jimmy Tatro as young Bert Kreischer is inspired casting. I think what won me over was when Idina said “Did I do that?” I’m pretty sure I did a spit take. It’s otherwise largely forgettable, but I had an enjoyable drive to our vacation spot. It could be your next decent airplane movie.
Degrees of Kevin Bacon: 2
1. Mark Hamill and Laura Dern in The Last Jedi
2. Laura Dern and Kevin Bacon in Novocaine
this is like if a studio made an action movie about my fun uncle who can be a little bit problematic
"The Machine" also goes by "Bert",
And can be a big extrovert.
To Russia with love,
When push comes to shove,
He's ready to take off his shirt.
