Borderlands
David M.

Review by David M. Patron

Borderlands 2024

½

Watched 08 Aug 2024

“Worst … orgy… ever.”

Wow… what an absolute fucking disgrace to the source material. The only reason I stayed seated in the theater is because I have a crush on Cate Blanchett. If she hadn’t been (mis)cast as Lilith, I would have walked out about 15 minutes in. As someone who played, but did not finish, the mainline games, this was disrespectful as fuck and I am shocked that Gearbox and 2K allowed this to be the final product.
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Borderlands stars Academy Award Winner Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Ariana Greenblatt, and Academy Award Winner Jamie Lee Curtis... the only one I liked here was Greenblatt as Tiny Tina. While her personality wasn’t as psychotic as the Tina we know from the games, she captured her essence well enough that I was satisfied with her performance. Everyone else was miscast. Benjamin Byron Davis, Gina Gershon, and Bobby Lee were cast as side characters (Marcus, Mad Moxxi, and Roland’s old roommate, respectively). Honestly, I would have loved to have a movie about just them because they were all much better picks for their characters. And one of them isn’t even from the fucking games!
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The story already drifts from the game’s story when we are introduced to two of the four original characters (aside from Claptrap) from the first game (Personally… Pedro Pascal and Dave Bautista could have been Mordecai and Brick, but that’s just me). But aside from that, the very beginning of the movie introduces us to Tina (not called “Tiny” Tina at any point), the supposed Eridian daughter of Deukalian Atlas who is the key to unlocking the vault… this is not part of the game’s story at all. Tiny Tina is just a 13-year-old who loves explosions. Nothing more. The only thing they got a little right is that she sees Roland as a father figure. It is insane how much was changed from the original story. It’s almost like Eli Roth never even touched the game and instead looked at the first game’s Wikipedia page for the plot and the Wikia for the characters.
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I wish I could compliment the set design, but FUCK, MAN!!! There’s just trash everywhere! Like… there’s very unique buildings scattered around the games, but the movie makes Pandora feel so empty. And Caustic Caverns… don’t even get me fucking started on that. In Borderlands 2, Caustic Caverns is umm… what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah… CAVERNOUS. Here, it’s just a… well, it’s a sewer. It’s literally a sewer. A sewer! I don’t think you heard me… in your head, so I’ll repeat it: THEY. MADE. CAUSTIC. CAVERNS. INTO. A. FUCKING. SEWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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The comedy in this movie falls flat... every... single... time. Not one joke was laughed at in the theater I watched this in. Even Claptrap wasn't as funny as I had hoped since he is literally the best part of the games. It's ridiculous how forced the jokes were, especially the one I used for the quote at the top of this review.
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Overall… Cate Blanchett deserved better. Eli Roth should never touch a video game movie again. Get people who have played the games and understand them to make the movies from here on out. We got two Sonic movies and a The Last of Us show and look how those turned out. Awful casting, awful story, awful adaptation. The wait was not worth it.
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UPDATE: I just finished Borderlands 1 today (8/25/24) for the first time and umm… yeah. This movie is still absolute fucking dogshit.

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