I know I make these updates a lot and I’m sorry for doing it but this one is really important so I would appreciate if you read through it if you could. No pressure or anything but please just consider it if you want to help me out.

Today I turned 19. That obviously means nothing to me other then a reminder that I’m one year closer to my deathbed but it always fascinates me how terrible this day always is. Don’t get me wrong I get a lot of encouraging and lovely words from close friends and family and I really appreciate that but there is always something that has to make the day feel even more miserable. Today it could have been a lot of things that I think about. Just last week my adorable little childhood pet, Henry, passed away. My family put him down after he was suffering from some pancreatic issues and even though it was so painful to hear the worst part was that I never got to have a goodbye. The greatest losses in my life are always inconclusive. I get no finality. I get no last words. It’s my greatest fear coming true over and over again. It started years ago when my dad died. Everything changed that day in an instant and I had no goodbye. Just a few months ago my grandpa also passed and although he had cancer so it was a bit more expected it didn’t make me feel any better. I’m so grateful that my last visit with him was at least intentional and very heartfelt. You can see my Fablemans review if you want more details about him. Throughout the years their have been many failed relationships as well and most of those ended poorly as well. Left hanging with no clear ending. The one serious relationship ended that way in 2020, with no conclusion. Just a gradual decay into nothing that leaves you with a feeling of inadequacy and uncertainty. Was it my fault? Should I have been more forward? I know at least we should have formally ended it to have some finality but instead I let myself be ghosted and I’ve been afraid of close relationships ever since. My cat was one of the last things tying me too my old life. I had him ever since my dad passed away and he’s been my closest friend for all 12 of those lonely years. He kept me company, listened to all my dumb thoughts, and was there to comfort me on the hardest of days. I cried a ton when I first found out but then I realized that he had done all he could have done for me. I’m still sad but I’m glad he was there for me in my adolescent life to help get me through all the stress that comes from trauma, depression, and teenage angst. I knew it was time to move on and in some deep recess of my mind there’s the thought that his health deterioration was sped up because he knew he did all he could for me. A weird probably over exaggerated idea I know but one that makes me feel a bit better about everything… 
but that’s not the thing on my mind that’s ruined October 2nd for me this year.

Last year I spent my birthday hanging out with my best friend, Daniel. Some of you may know him as he’s also here on Letterboxd and he cohosts my podcast with me. Now Daniel has been one of my most loyal and trusted friends ever since I moved into my hometown. For almost a decade we’ve grown up together and although our relationship as changed over the years we’ve always had a connection for one reason or another. Why it’s so important though is because Dan was one of my ONLY friends throughout high school. We were both outcasts to an extent and somehow we just gravitated to each other. Throughout middle school and high school we became better and closer friends through our love of cinema. In fact I have him to thank for my love of it. He got me into movies. Before I had always viewed films as just a fun hobby. Something to be experienced every now and then but not a serious art form or career. Then over time I started watching more and more movies with him. I stated that my true first exposure to what films actually ARE was with 1917 and even though that’s where the flame was lit, Dan was the one who fueled the fire and gave me so many incredible films to watch and really FEEL. We agree. We disagree. Sometimes we even REALLY disagree but we always find something interesting to say about movies and we legitimately love talking about and watching them. Hell we even both want to be filmmakers now…
‘Adrian!’ I hear you saying, 
‘Why are you telling us all this?’ 
Well Dan has not been in a good place recently. Today he admitted himself into a mental hospital because he was having severe thoughts of suicide and he was also harming himself. He’s struggled with this before and when he first confided in me this information I was honestly distraught. I myself can get super depressed and have these kinds of thoughts on occasion but when someone so close to you says they are going through it it hits in an entirely different way. Anyway to hear about his state this morning was really hard for me because yet again I’m not there to help. I always feel like I’m not there when I need to be there the most. Daniel is one of my best friends and he means a lot to me. I try and push away the bad things by drowning the thoughts with whatever I can but sometimes it just doesn’t work. I want him to be ok more then anything else. I want everyone to just be happy. I want them to feel ok with themselves. I want them to be proud of what their passion is, who they love, and who they are as a person. 

Because to me everyone has value.
And I want you here. 

Daniel, if and when you read this I hope you’re recovering well and that you’re starting to remember all those who love you. You are so special and amazing and I’m absolutely certain you’ll make a great artist. 

To everyone else who read through this behemoth of an update I apologize if it seems all a bit grim but I think that we can all make it through. Be it rain, shine, or the end of the world that damned little thing called hope sure works wonders for me and it can for you too if you believe it’s true. I’d appreciate it if you went over to Dan’s account and said something encouraging in his PD update. Check out his reviews too he’s a very funny and clever guy even if most of his reviews are one line long. :)
It would mean a lot to me. Thank you all so much for sticking around my dumb profile for the past year. I’ve made a lot of cool friends and I’ve gotten connected with people I would have never thought possible (talking about you ECB lol). Tomorrow I’m gonna give a more proper anniversary update as a throwback to those movies I watched with Dan last year. Hope you look forward to those. 

Remember, somebody loves you.
And I do too! <3