| In short: A couple of catalog models are suckered into an Evil Dead-themed, opposite-of-an-MTV-Cribs episode featuring; The Black Vine Violations, Fun With A Nailgun, Chutney-by-Crowbar, High Pitched Jumpscares (ft. Air Raid Horn), How Many Sedatives Can A Licensed Nurse Legally Carry, Toilet To The Head, The Shivs, DIY Defibrillator, Electric Knife & The Blond, presented by Somehow Every Looks Pale Brown.
You can catch a performance of Mulch Munching Glenn Danzing VS The Bloody Poor Parking Bisected (ex)Junky at the afterparty.

| In less short: When I left the cinema, after having seen this remake, I was not amused. A decade, along with three seasons of Ash VS The Evil Dead and a horde game later, Evil Dead Rise being unleashed across the world and I found myself wondering if the remake was in fact as dreadful as I initially found it to be.
Oil up your chainsaw, polish your magnifying necklace and grab a fist full o’ boomsticks - Here we go.

| The Good: The only thing I remembered from my first viewing was liking the dog was named Grampa. That joke didn’t hold up, but I do have a second sliver of silver linings to add; unsarcastically, my favorite part of the movie was the end credits sequence.
And if I’m being more lenient than I feel I should be, the toilet to the face and auto-amputation scenes are the only things I’ll recall.

| The Bad: Adding (mentions of) drugs, mental health and a broken home into the mix doesn't add depth to the character or story. In fact it feels like a substitute for a story. Much like these completely interchangeable characters, it's just dead weight, minus the weighty part. It’s a cliche that many movies trying to make a buck off an existing IP will reach for, the pirority is just to keep the brand alive without having a clue what to say (the Hellraiser remake which also had a very unconvincing sibling/junky bond at its center, included).

Somehow, somewhere, someone thought; “Evil Dead was great but we need to make it click with this generation... can we color grade the living daylight out of it and make the characters dumber? Like WAY dumber?”
I won’t pretend Evil Dead was a crown jewel of cerebral cinema, but if you hold the original up to the remake, I just might swing that way.
Particularly this new Necronomicon is so (nu) metal, it seems to vie for a Slipknot band slot, what with being decked out in black trash bags and barbed wire and all.
Sage advice warns not to judge a book by its (human skin) cover, but once we get a peek inside, we now find it includes highlighted liner notes because this is a book aimed at an audience that can't be bothered to read. Don’t worry, not only is NU-cronomicon now spitting out bitesize tweets, it also shows the audience what will happen to the character (in case the visions they had of themselves later on would have been too abstract). I’m surprised they didn’t feel the need to show a storyboard slideshow with a link to an Evil Dead FINALLY explained video.

| The Ugly : I’ve already mentioned the smothering color grading, but it doesn’t stop there. Besides looking far too clean and polished to make anything look relatable; the deadites (I hesitated to identify them as such) look very underwhelming. Not only because of the palette of the movie but the lack of gripping sound design. One of my favorite things about the original was the sound design. The whole cabin used to make sounds. It has creepy creaking, thudding, the eerie winds singing, sighing or howling and tormented voices overlapping and distorting, the haunting and twisted repetition, expressing the perversion of the possessed; mocking and luring the victims. Along with some innovative camerawork, the sound design was a major contribution to making this invisible threat translate as such.
Evil Dead 2013 has none of that. Heck, I’ve heard creepier sounds coming fridge. Nothing seems threatening, otherworldly, savage or unnerving. Now the deadites sound like something out of a poor man’s JP sequel dinosaurs and all this comes across as absolutely lazy.

| Verdict: Contrary to the original, this remake is not scary or funny. It lacks ambiance, grime and most of all, creativity.
This is some hollow hand holding nonsense that doesn't even make the cut to my Evil Dead-ish list. - Truly soulless and aggressively unremarkable and contrary to what The Chin royalty declares at the credit scene; I deem it certified ungroovy.

Now, dear reader, by some miracle you’ve meandered to the end my decade-later-diatribe and you’ve already seen Evil Dead Rise, tell me should I risk it, or will it be a doomed set-up for a double dip of disappointment?