Hocus Pocus is the 467th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy, with a special narration by Jason Marsden in character as Thackery Binx's cat form for the viewer comments. It parodies the 1993 fantasy comedy film Hocus Pocus. It was published on October 11, 2022, to coincide with the release of the sequel on Disney+. It is 6 minutes and 36 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
(in a woman's voice) Partings are all about the sweetness and sorrow, but few things are more delicious than reuniting with your witchy sisters after centuries apart. Still, after leaving Salem behind for over 300 years, I couldn't help but wonder... did we still have the town under our spell, or was there a chance the old magic was truly gone?
(clears throat, reverting his voice to normal) I mean... Hocus Pocus
Journey to Salem, Massachusetts, a town famous for killing twenty women out of religious paranoia, but it turns out... they were 100% right -- (shows the Sanderson sisters cackling) Not only are witches real, but they are fabulooous! (shows the Sanderson sisters vocalizing) -- in this holiday camp-fest that puts the "evil" in "vaudeville", and imagines what it would have been like if the Three Stooges made a Halloween special. (shows clips from the Three Stooges shorts We Want Our Mummy and Idle Roomers) Wait, they did? (shows more clips) A whole bunch of them? (shows clips from Spook Louder) Heh. Well, what if they... were ladies? (montage of the Sanderson sisters performing slapstick on each other) "A wise girl, eh? Why, I oughta...! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Whoowoowoowoowoowoop!"
Return to the early 90's, a time when other much better Halloween movies were happening...
Jack Skellington: I am the Pumpkin King!
...and other much worse ones...
Ernest P. Worrell (Ernest Scared Stupid): (while kicking Trantor) Get away from me, snot farmer!
...and meet the Sanderson sisters. There's Winifred, played by the legendary Bette Midler... 's two front teeth; Sarah, played by Sarah Jessica Parker's... vagina...
Sarah: (to Master Devil) Would thou dance with me?
Sarah: Hang him on a hook and let me play with him?
Winifred: No!
Sarah: <gasp!> Boys will love me! / I'll be thy friend.
Mary: Who are they?
Sarah: Boys!
Oh, and Mary; she's, like, their dog, or something...? (montage of Mary acting like a dog)
300 years after being lynched by Salemites, they've got a plan to get their groove back, by killing all of the town's children -- Go off, queens! -- in this classic tale that will be remembered as one of the darkest films in Disney history...
Winifred: (while holding Dani hostage) This'll teach you to call people ugly!
...if it weren't already one of the most horny films in Disney history.
Dani: (to Allison) Max likes your yabos. In fact, he loves 'em.
I mean, seriously; it's obsessed with this 15-year-old's virginity.
Dani: My brother's a virgin.
Policeman: Are you a virgin?
Max: Yeah.
Policeman: Really?
Dani: And he's a virgin. / A virgin... lit the candle.
Winifred: --a virgin will summon us from under the ground.
Max: "--when lit by a virgin on Halloween night."
Binx: --some airhead virgin might light that candle.
Sarah: Brave little virgin who lit the candle.
Binx: I had to wait 300 years for a virgin to light a candle.
I mean, everyone in this film is horny.
Bus Driver: To convey gorgeous creatures such as yourselves to your most... forbidden desires.
You think that's not an Eyes Wide Shut party going on back there? This married couple (Master Devil and Medusa Lady) is played by a real brother and sister. (pulls up Garry and Penny Marshall's IMDb pages) I'm telling you, man, this film is for freaks!
Watch these three Golden Ghouls do battle against three neighborhood children, who you unfortunately have to watch as punishment...
Max: I wanna go home!
Dani: Well, this is your home now. So get used to it.
...until the movie gets back to the witches.
Winifred: Did you miss me too?
Armed with the power of the Necronomi-knockoff, these sisters will throw around obscure curses...
Winifred: Twist the bones and bend the back.
...and also obscure curses...
Winifred: All right, you little trollimog. / His punishment must be more fulsome... / Purloined. Curses!
...while still getting repeatedly beat down by small children (montage of children attacking the Sanderson sisters), in a Halloween movie that's never particularly scary... except when they run over a cat --
Bus Driver: (as Sarah drives over Binx) Whoa! Speed bump!
Aww, dude! (shows Binx reforming himself) Eh, it's fine.
Binx: B-b-b-bh! I hate it when that happens.
-- but that won't stop everyone from screaming at the top of their lungs, all the time. (montage of characters screaming loudly) Okay. (another montage of characters screaming loudly) That's enough. (yet another montage of characters screaming loudly) Done yet? (still another montage of characters screaming loudly) Please wrap it up. (shows a clip of the Sanderson sisters screaming loudly) Nope? Still screaming? (shows another clip of the Sanderson sisters screaming loudly) I'll just... go wait in the car. (shows Mary screaming loudly)
So before you check out the sequel on Disney+, that spends so much time in a Walgreens, you'll swear it's an extended Super Bowl ad...
Sarah: Enooormooous.
...take a trip down memory lane, where studios put comedy films in real theaters, shot on real locations, with real song-and-dance numbers, instead of throwing Bette Midler in front of a greenscreen to fill the Disney+ content quota for Q3.
Mary: I give up. I'm tired, Winnie.
Whatever; good enough. Next!
Starring: The First Wives Coven (Bette Midler as Winifred "Winnie" Sanderson); Hex and the City (Sarah Jessica Parker as Sarah Sanderson); Sister Act: Smack in the Habit (Kathy Najimy as Mary Sanderson); Virgin General (Omri Katz as Maximilian "Max" Dennison); Thora Sprout (Thora Birch as Danielle "Dani" Dennison); Girl Next Bore (Vinessa Shaw as Allison Watts); Fursona Non Grata (Jason Marsden as Thackery Binx [Cat Form]); Jay & Violent Bob (Tobias Jelinek as Jay and Larry Bagby as Ernie "Ice"); and... (in a Cockney accent) "His name is Billy Butcher, just like mine? Are you havin' a f*ckin' laugh? Diabolical..." [Billy Butcherson?] (Doug Jones as William "Billy" Butcherson)
The Schlocky Horror Picture Show
The honest title for Hocus Pocus was ‘The Schlocky Horror Picture Show’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Jay: Let me outta here, man.
Max: Come on, Dani, let's go!
Wow. Max really leaves his bullies behind to die? Look, man, I know they took your shoes and all, but what are you going to say to their parents at the funeral?
Viewer's Comments[]
Thackery Binx, the talking cat? What are you doing here?
Binx: What do you mean, "What am I doing here?" You invited me. To read the comments? All right, here we go.
please sing "i want chicken, i want liver, meow mix, meow mix, please deliver" - Alice Delgado
Binx: I'm not getting paid for this, am I?
Please say: "Meesa, Jar Jar Binks! Meesa, your humble servant!" In your epic voice - SSJ Rose Jake
Binx: I definitely skipped that trilogy...
Please say: "Litter box is empty again. Someone is stealing my poop!!" - theCatOutoftheBag
Binx: Well, I must return to guarding the Black Flame Candle from airhead virgins. Jon, you're not in that... category, are you? No judgment; just make sure you cash in your V-card before All Hallows' Eve.
Special thanks to Thackery Binx himself, Jason Marsden. Check him out in the link below.
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Featuring Jason Marsden (@Mars Presents), http://www.jasonmarsden.com/, http://themarsvarietyshow.com/ Emma Fyffe
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne