Hackers is the 422nd episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Logan Rees, Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy in the style of a vault episode. It parodies the 1995 crime film Hackers. It was published on November 9, 2021, to coincide with the release of Angelina Jolie's latest film at the time of posting, Eternals. It is 6 minutes and 30 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
Angelina Jolie is in a new movie this week (Eternals), and that's all the excuse we need to crack open the Honest Trailer vault to re-watch her very first film.
Tron took us inside the computer. WarGames showed us how powerful they could be. But now, one film will show us what the bleeding edge of today's tech is all about: one-on-one cartoon techno virus-fighting.
Eugene: Is that all you got, huh? Come on! Let's see what else you can do!
Is that what Windows 95 is going to be like? Because I am so in.
Courteney Cox: And, oh boy, an entire gallery of Cat's Owner Photos!
Matthew Perry: Do they have an audio tour with this?
Hackers
Meet Dade Murphy, who grew from a boy who looks too young to play 12 to a man who looks too old to play 17. He's the only teenager to ever get bummed about moving to New York.
Lauren Murphy: I'm sorry we had to move in your senior year. (cuts to Dade soaking in the shower with soap all over him)
Wow, that's a lot of suds. But this man-baby's got a secret: he's secretly not cool.
Dade: And I'm still a virgin.
Also, he's secretly "Zero Cool", a hacker who crashed 1,507 computer systems at once, a fact they'll remind you of about 1,507 times.
Prosecuting Attorney: His computer virus crashed 1,507 systems...
Paul: Crashed 1,507 systems in one day?
Special Agent Ray: --1,500 systems in one day.
Dade: 1,507.
And when he moves to the Big Apple, he'll join a secret society of computer hackers, where everyone goes by a cool hacker name...
Eugene: My name is "The Plague".
Ramón: I'm "The Phreak"! "The Phantom Phreak"? / Meet "Cereal Killer".
Dade: You're "Acid Burn"?
Ramón: "Lord Nikon", this is--
Dade: "Crash Override".
...and gets together to watch cool hacker TV shows, hangs out at hacker clubs that might as well be the Foot Clan hideout from Ninja Turtles (shots comparing the similar-looking hideouts from both films), and pulls off their hacks in public while dressed like techno-clowns. Hey, wait a minute... They aren't keeping this hacker stuff secret at all! No wonder they get caught about 1,507 times! (montage of characters finding themselves held at gunpoint by law enforcement)
Watch a film where everyone dresses like a Spice Girl f*cked a RadioShack -- Those pagers are the bomb, yo. -- but no one pulls off a rash guard, slacks, and combat boots like Jon Voight's daughter. Newcomer Angelina Jolie (pronounced "jolly") stars as "Acid Burn", a girl who combines the "riot grrrl" attitude of the 90's with the human sex trophy role of an 80's movie. But man, I think I'm in love; I am so glad Katherine Heigl turned this down to do Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Rounding out this crew of unrealistically hot nerds is "Cereal", who I'm pretty sure is homeless...
Emmanuel: Can I crash at your place tonight?
Paul: Again?
Emmanuel: (to Ramón) So what do you think? Can I crash at your place tonight?
..."Phreak", the guy you call when you want to make a call...
Recording: Please deposit $5 for the first minute. (Ramón plays a recording of a phone dialing) Thank you.
..."Little Joey", who can hack two cigarettes at the same time; and "Lord Nikon", who uses his photographic memory in the creepiest ways possible.
Paul: Lisa Blair. 26 East 7th Street, apartment 16. 555-4817. Boom!
Watch Fisher Stevens chew the scenery, and also some bizarre green candy, as "The Plague", an evil version of his character from Short Circuit. (shots comparing Eugene Belford/"The Plague" to Ben Jabituya from Short Circuit, both played by Fisher Stevens) He'll be hacking the hackers as this hacker who hacked his way into a big corporation runs a big hack that he can play on our heroes' small hack, or something like that. And if that computer talk gets too confusing, don't worry; half the characters are just as dumb as you are.
Dade: You know anything about computers?
Norman: Um...
Dade: (over the phone) Could you, uh, read me the number on the modem?
Norman: Um...
Margo Wallace: What's happening?
Hal: A rabbit is in the administration system.
Eugene: Send a flu shot.
Margo: Rabbit? Flu shot? Someone talk to me.
Hal: They're going for the Kernel!
Margo: "Colonel" who?
Hal: The system command processor. It's the brain.
Margo: Cancer, brain. Brain, cancer.
Duke: What's going on?
Special Agent Ray: We got an uncorrupted hard drive.
Special Agent Gill: In English, please.
And even then, don't worry, because hacking is either like doing math on shrooms, or playing a flight sim on the brand-new Sony PlayStation, now available at Circuit City. (plays a scene showing the aforementioned "flight sim" graphics) Damn, this makes me want to crank some Chemical Brothers, and slam a sixer of Jolt! Now, where's that AOL trial disk? Daddy needs some more hours!
So experience a film with an exciting new vision of the future, because these kids aren't just committing petty crimes... that probably hurt a lot of people (shows a pile-up as a result of hacked traffic lights), and they almost set a cop on fire...? (shows the group attacking a cop with a flare gun) No, these hackers are showing us the way to a new era of freedom, because when we go online, we free ourselves from consumerism (a Craigslist page pops up), racism (an AOL Chat Room pops up), and get to express ourselves however we want without it getting back to our school or employer. (multiple GeoCities websites pop up) So laugh all you want, but this movie has two predictions guaranteed to come true: one, the Internet is going to bring about a society where everyone is equal...
Special Agent Bob: (reading from the "Hacker Manifesto") "We exist without nationality, skin color, or religious bias."
Special Agent Ray: Now that's cool.
...and two, everyone is going to rollerblade everywhere. (montage of characters using rollerblades) I mean, how could we not? It's so much faster than feet!
Starring: Dade and Confused (Jonny Lee Miller as Dade Murphy/"Zero Cool"/"Crash Override"); 28 Point Kate Modem (Angelina Jolie as Kate Libby/"Acid Burn"); Retaining Order (Jesse Bradford as Joey Pardella); Cereal and Milk (Matthew Lillard as Emmanuel Goldstein/"Cereal Killer"); EarthTwink (Renoly Santiago as Ramón Sánchez/"The Phantom Phreak"); Narc Anthony (Marc Anthony as U.S. Secret Service Special Agent Ray); Hypebeast 1.0 (Laurence Mason as Paul Cook/"Lord Nikon"); Business in the Front, LAN Party in the Back (Fisher Stevens as Eugene Belford/"The Plague"); Oh Sick Is That a Power Glove? Radical! (a shot of a character handling a Nintendo Power Glove); Hi I'm Penn, and This Is My Partner, Hacker (Penn Jillette as Hal); Floppy Discs (sic) (montage of floppy disks); and Hack the Planet! Hack the Planet! (montage of characters shouting the aforementioned phrase)
Netscape Navigators
The honest title for Hackers was ‘Netscape Navigators’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Kate: I hope you don't screw like you type.
Wow, she's a ventriloquist, too! (slows the clip down to reveal her lip flaps don't match the dialogue)
Viewer's Comments[]
Say: "I am the watcher... I cannot interfere, but I can give brutally honest reviews." - Joe R M
Say: Everyone Hail to the Pumpkin King - FoxDemonMaster
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Logan Rees, Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen & Randy Whitlock
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne
Executive Producer: Roth Cornet