Bridgerton is the 549th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Danielle Radford, Spencer Gilbert, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the first three seasons of the historical romance streaming television series Bridgerton and its spin-off, Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story. It was published on June 25, 2024. It is 12 minutes and 56 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
From Shonda Rhimes, Queen of ABC... until Disney took her FastPass (a Cosmopolitan article with the title "Shonda Rhimes Left ABC for Netflix Because They Refused to Give Her a Disneyland Ticket" pops up), and Netflix, the streaming service who raised prices in '23 (a The Verge article with the title "Here comes another Netflix price hike" pops up, detailing how subscribers will now need to pay $11.99 and $22.99 per month for the Basic and Premium plans, respectively), added ads (shows the "Basic with Ads" plan), will probably raise prices in '24, took away password sharing, and are counting on the Stranger Things, uh... "kids" to keep you signed on, comes a potent mix of Skinemax, Gossip Girl, and colonizer cosplay known as...
Bridgerton... plus that Queen Charlotte spin-off, too.
(in a stereotypical "royal" British accent) "Dearest Screen Junkies, it is once again time to take an honest look at a programme whilst applying a liberal dose of penile jokes for your amusement. We begin in Regency-era London, where the elites secure their positions by making their children smash their rich little junk together, all while following the latest goss over who's in the lead for a junk-smashing. And once or twice a season, they'll show said junk-smashing in four scandalous K's of detail! Bosoms!" (normally) Ahem, I mean, beeeeeeeewwwbs.
Return to an era when England was wracked by war and crises at home and abroad... if you were a poor, that is; for the people who mattered, life revolved around the social season, a pre-#MeToo tradition where women got shown off like prize hogs at market (shows Benedict making a weird cow-like noise while fawning over Eloise), and the losers had to marry the grayest dongs in the aristocracy. (shows the Duke of Hastings removing his dentures before having sex with the Duchess) Ruling the roost is Queen Charlotte, the only Netflix personality who loves mess more than Marie Kondo.
Marie Kondo: --I love mess.
Say "Yass, queen!" for a monarch who's not so interested in her sh*tty kids...
Charlotte: Sorrows. Sorrows, prayers. / You are old. Your wombs are likely dry and juiceless. / Sorrows, sorrows, prayers. / Virgins to the left of me, wh*res to the right. / Sorrows, prayers!
...but very into throwing ever-larger baaalls, while wearing exponentially larger wigs. (in a stereotypical "British butler" impression) "Your Majesty, I know you're here to both serve and eat, but there's troubling news from India you should really be attending to." (shows the animal attack scene from RRR)
Enjoy a period piece with a dash of modern sense and sensibility...
Man: May I present a lamp?
Portia: No.
...where the empire involved in the Atlantic slave trade basically acts colorblind, but sexism is still going strong...
Lady Danbury: You know, I believe--
Lord Danbury: Hush, woman. (chuckles)
...Mozart canonically exists...
Woman: A child named "Mozart"? Has she no taste?
...but people prefer Ariana and Coldplay (?) (plays examples of the show's string renditions of contemporary pop songs), and sex is on everyone's minds, but they know less about it than whoever asked Yahoo! Answers "How is babby formed?"
Eloise: How does a lady come to be with child?
Young Charlotte: I'm not even sure what "marital duty" is.
Violet: You may... very well know some things already.
Daphne: I know nothing.
Eloise: How did she become with child if she's not married?
Penelope: I do not know.
Portia: How many times does he insert it?
Philippa: "Inserts himself"? Inserts himself where?
Young Charlotte: I know what a brothel is... almost.
Prudence: It is not weight that produces a belly. It is the child itself.
Philippa: What, do you mean its little... head and body inside me?
See, prudes? This is what happens when you get rid of sex scenes; you have to hear gross analogies instead.
Violet: Rain soaks a field in autumn, and in spring, flowers grow. / My... "garden" is in bloom. / I want... to be gardened as much as possible.
<HURK!>
In an era when everyone hates nepo babies, somehow, the Bridgertons all get a pass. They're honorable, duty-bound, and hot; basically the Starks if they only got murdered socially.
Charlotte: She made quite an impression... however fleeting it may have been.
<snort!> In Season 1, Duke Simon struggles with his stutter, but can cock a brow with the best of 'em (montage of Simon raising his eyebrow while a "rifle cocking" noise plays); he'll find Daphne, a lady so perfect, they can't even kiss in wet dreams. (shows Daphne waking up from a dream where she and Simon are about to kiss) Season 2 features oldest brother Anthony, who was traumatized by watching his father get My Girl'd.
Young Anthony: (seeing his father get an allergic reaction from a bee sting) Father? What is it? (catches him as he collapses)
Well, those are in bad taste, then. (shows Eloise and Benedict wearing bee-shaped accessories) He's engaged to sweet Edwina, but since she doesn't roast him like a melanated Peggy Bundy, he goes for someone who will.
Kate: Your character is as deficient as your horsemanship. / Your dubious and libertine reputation goes before you. / Some men cannot perform without their familiar tools, like a child with a blanket. / I was smiling at the view, which you are now blocking.
See, ladies? Negging does work! They'll be sniffing you in no time! (montage of Anthony sensually sniffing Kate)
Then, we'll go back to the even past-ier past to see the origin of Queen Charlotte and King George, who battled mental illness the best way they knew how -- Torture! (montage of George being treated with outdated medical procedures that were very much standard for the time) -- while Queen Charlotte solves racism forever...
Adolphus: I know that no one who looks like you or me has ever married one of these people.
...only 250 years before the real royal family caught up, and... counting? (a BBC article with the title "Prince Harry and Meghan to step back as senior royals" pops up, followed by a The Associated Press article with the title "Harry, Meghan asked to leave UK home in further royal rift") Season 3 follows Penelope, a wallflower who's channeled her loneliness into writing London's answer to TMZed.
Lady Whistledown: It has been said that, of all b*tches dead or alive, a scribbling woman is the most canine.
This Lady Perez of Hilton will fall for Middle-ton Colin, who came back from the continent looking like the Dread Pirate Roberts if he had extensive work done. Poor lad; must be hard to smolder when you're Botoxed from lip to tip. That face has seen an iPad.
So strap in for an Andrew Lloyd Webber level of cattiness...
Violet: Have you not received an invitation? Oh, my. Well, I will see if there is still room.
...for a show with a cultural impact as big as anything with a dragon, zombie, or cape in it...
Tunnelton Simon ("Poorhouse Rock"): Let us all doff our clothes in triumph!
Marge Simpson: The writing on this show is amazing.
...because ladies love emotional vulnerability...
Colin: My only purpose in life is to love a woman as great as you.
...cute buuutts (montage of characters exposing their buttocks to the camera), and romantic tension that's so slow-building, they're basically made to watch on 1.5 speed until you get to the good stuff. (shows Simon and Daphne running for shelter from the rain at 1.5x speed, then playing as normal until Simon takes his shirt off, at which point the speed changes again to 0.5x) It's kind of jarring that they drop porn in the middle of a soap opera every once in a while, but since they're all wearing corsets, it basically counts as Shakespeare, right? Woohoo! Now, rip that bodice!
Starring: Corsets (montage of female characters struggling with wearing corsets); Almost Touching (montage of characters about to share an intimate moment, but pulling away at the last second); Flowers!...
Albie: ACHOO! Daisies... Always trouble my nose.
...Bees!...
Young Anthony: (as his father suffers from anaphylactic shock) Help us! Someone!
...Great Wigs! (montage of Charlotte wearing increasingly ornate wigs); Nosy Crowds (montage of crowds of people engaging in gossip); Having an Important Conversation While Dancing...
Colin: I've been meaning to tell you, I've been editing my travel diary into a manuscript.
Anthony: Do you have any thoughts about children?
Simon: If this is to be a match like no other... won't you call me by my name?
Young George: We are a team, are we not?
Kate: I am to return to India.
Anthony: You would abandon her?
Colin: You can't marry him. You hardly know him!
Penelope: I know him well enough.
Friedrich: From the moment I laid eyes on you, I, uh... I-- (gets interrupted by Daphne switching partners)
...Dead Dads...
Violet: After your father died, a wall went up inside you.
Kate: After my father died, Mama and I did the best we could to raise Edwina.
Man: He hasn't shown his face since your father passed.
Adolphus: I know I should have taken a firmer hand with you when Papa died.
Reynolds: My brother George died on the battlefield.
Princess Augusta: My dead, dead, very dead... husband!
Kate: My father died years ago.
Anthony: As did mine.
Jack: He must be my father. And no offense taken; he was ugly, and very old. So old that... well... he died.
...Now We Have to Get Married!...
Anthony: (after punching Simon) You'll marry her, immediately.
Phillip: After my brother clearly took liberties with your... virtue, I would merely be doing my duty.
Daphne: And you were alone? Quite... close to one another?
Portia: It is a scandal!
Man: Are you to marry the girl, then, Featherington?
Jack: What?
Friedrich: Because if the Duke is forcing your hand...
Daphne: Forcing me? My goodness... If anything, I'm the one forcing him.
Portia: She's lucky her gentleman agreed to a hasty marriage after she went and ruined herself.
Cressida: You lured him into those gardens to trap him into marriage.
Daphne: I am the one who trapped you into this marriage.
Simon: I trapped you.
...Intense Ball Anxiety (montage of female characters getting the jitters before attending a ball); Ladylike Hobbies...
Eloise: It's only a pamphlet on... new methods for the tidying of dogs. Well, a lady is allowed her hobbies, is she not?
Portia: Ladies, hurry with your miniatures before our guests arise.
Phillip: Miss Thompson is very accomplished at needlework.
Edwina: I can divide and multiply.
Woman: French, Italian, Latin.
Benedict: And your Greek?
Kate: She not only plays sitar and maruli, but pianoforte, too.
Francesca: You genuinely enjoy embroidery?
Philippa: Of course I do. The straight stitch, running stitch, chain stitch...
Woman: The French knot.
Albie: I so love cheese.
Philippa: As do I, Mr. Finch! (chuckles)
...The Servant Shuffle (montage of characters ordering their servants around); The Most Sincere Apologies (montage of characters apologizing); and A Never-Ending Lemon Party.
Francesca: Shall we... go and get some lemonade?
Colin: And here, we have the lemonade table.
Benedict: Your refreshment.
Woman: Lord Bridgerton!
Anthony: I shall fetch you a glass of lemonade.
Man: Am I to accompany you to fetch some lemonade?
Anthony: Allow me to fetch a lemonade for you.
Lord Debling: If you'll excuse me, I am fetching Miss Cowper a lemonade.
Colin: Miss Francesca, I bought you some lemonade.
Charlotte: She is not drinking the lemonade?
Brimsley: Precisely, Your Majesty. She is not drinking the lemonade.
No wonder they colonized half the planet for its sugarcane!
Poundtown Abbey
The honest title for Bridgerton was ‘Poundtown Abbey’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Ah, the pullout method; 100% of the time, it works 50% of the time. (montage of Simon panting heavily after sex)
Viewer's Comments[]
Say: I burn for you... but that might be the gonorrhea talking. - yourfriendlyneighborhoodne289
Say "pish posh and tut-tut my good man" - zahranadaa9039
Could you say, "if u like pina coladaaaaaas" - SamFromSpaceOfficial
Please say: Sometimes I wish I was a normal voice guy. It's a gift and a curse. - waldirneto5406
Trivia[]
- With a run-time of nearly 13 minutes, this is the longest non-Oscars episode of Honest Trailers ever.
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Danielle Radford, Spencer Gilbert, and Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
VP Content: Max Dionne