‘Our 250 year nightmare is over!’ The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2025 (Fiction)

It’s a new year and time for our annual psychic predictions for 2025. Our council of psychics is still recovering from their visions of the next year.

Last year, our psychic predictions were on close to the mark. President Trump almost died during a speech. Representative Bill Foster won reelection. Fears of AI spread around the world. Biden’s popularity continued to drop. 

Since we’re surrounded by skeptics, we expect them to point out the minor details our psychics missed. Like LaBell never opened in Bolingbrook. Nor did we predict Biden would drop out of the race. Just like the pollsters, we didn’t predict President Trump would win by an electoral landslide. 

Psychic visions aren’t clear, and mistakes are bound to happen. In this case, they saw an older person winning the election and assumed it was President Biden. Easy mistake to make.

With that in mind, here are the Babbler’s predictions for 2025!

***

During Starship’s first orbital mission, millions will be shocked when they see Elon Musk’s dead body floating in the cargo bay. President Trump will deny any responsibility for Musk’s death. However, he’ll post his denial about 30 minutes before the world realizes Musk is dead. MAGA supporters will start threatening to “Starship” their opponents.

***

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, despite running unopposed, will lose to write-in candidate Sheldon Watts, a former Bolingbrook Village trustee.

Watts will say, “God told me to register as a write-in candidate. Who am I to question God? Now I’m blessed to be the new Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

The First Party for Bolingbrook will respond by suing God.

***

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Liberal Party will shock the world by winning reelection in a landslide. Trump’s threats to annex Canada will backfire as a tidal wave of patriotism will sweep across the country.

Trudeau will say, “I’m running to be the Prime Minister of Canada. Pierre Poilievre is running to be a lowly governor. If you thought my visit to Mar-a-Largo was humiliating, wait until Pierre offers Trump the unconditional surrender of Canada. If you want to honor the brave soldiers who won the War of 1812, vote for the Liberal Party. Si vous aimez la langue française, votez pour moi!”

After the election, Alberta joins the United States. The citizens will immediately regret their decision after Trump’s first visit.

***

Thousands of US soldiers will be fired because they’re considered too “woke.” Canada will offer them jobs in their military, and most will accept. Many will also become Canadian citizens. 

One soldier will say, “Sure, my family has to wait in line for healthcare. But at least there is a line here. Canada loves me as much as I loved the United States. It’s so hard not to say, “America.”

***

In response to a US military raid into Mexico, Mexico retaliates with a surprise bombing of Texas. Hospitals, water plants, roads, and ports will be destroyed. 

The President of Mexico, Claudia Sheinbaum, will say, “Mexico has a right to defend itself, and we will strike at anyone who has ties to the Republican Party! No more land for peace deals. The only democracy north of Central America is surrounded by hostile states!”

***

President Trump will die while playing golf. President JD Vance will address the country that evening. He will start his speech by saying, “Our 250 year nightmare is over! Men are free at last.” Vance will announce the termination of the United States Constitution. He’ll warn Congress and the Supreme Court that he’ll go “Boris Yeltsin” on them if they oppose him. Near the end of his speech, a humanoid robot will walk into the Oval Office. Vance will say Elon Musk uploaded his brain into the android, and that Musk is officially the Co-President of the United States. 

Android Musk announces that he’s renamed the United States X and summoned representatives from the Red States to draft a new constitution. He says military forces will occupy the Blue States until they ratify the new constitution.

“Many of you will die during the transition to a better society,” Musk will say, “On behalf of the trillions of humans in the far future, thank you for your sacrifice.”

***

After Denmark refuses to sell Greenland to the X Vance will order the military to take it by force. Since the X left NATO, Denmark invokes Article 5 of the NATO treaty. This will be only the second time in history it’s been invoked. 

After establishing a beachhead, X troops run out of ammunition. X factories cannot manufacture enough to keep up with the demand for ammo for the troops occupying the Blue States and for the troops occupying Greenland. 

Because of purges and the occupation of Blue States, the invasion force lacks the troops to hold the beachhead. Space Force attempts to send in their marines, but none will survive free falling from orbit. X Forces will surrender, but the X media, afraid of offending Vance and Musk, will report that Greenland is now the 52nd state.

***

The year will end in the country of X with triple digit inflation, the Canadian Dollar replacing the Dollar as a safe global currency, an out-of-control polio epidemic, and Chicagoland joining Canada. Likely voters will say they’re better off now than they were in 2024. 

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Neither Elon Musk, nor Space Force Marines, nor a food bank protester could derail Clow UFO Base’s 2024 Holiday Concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite Mary Alexander-Basta’s plan for a subdued holiday celebration melting faster than a snowball on Venus, Clow UFO Base once again survived its annual holiday concert.

After the concert, Alexander-Basta said, “Any holiday concert I can walk away from is a good concert!” She also pointed out this concert had the least causalities and arrests since the 1966 polka themed holiday concert. 

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added, “Which is pretty amazing considering all the laser beams being fired and explosions going off. I guess you could say we kicked off the holiday season with a bang.” When Alexander-Basta stared at him, he asked, “What?”

According to sources inside Clow UFO Base, Alexander-Basta insisted that the concert have a food-based theme. She hoped this would ward off the calamities that plagued past concerts.

The organizers insisted that Clow’s alien visitors wanted to hear music that proved not all humans are like President Donald Trump. Alexander-Basta insisted on the food theme and told the organizers to trust her judgement.

Said one organizer, “It was disappointing at first. Then we realized we could have a food theme and show that there are humans willing to preemptively resist!”

The concert started with Bolingbrook First Trustee candidate Bhavini Patel welcoming the audience. 

“I’m proud of our UFO Base and I’m proud to be a resident of the Brook. Bolingbrook is great because I helped plan it that way. And if you want to buy a vacation home in our village, I’ll be handing out my realtor cards by the concession booths!”

The Clow UFO Base Visitor Choir started the show. In additional to performing traditional Christmas songs, they also played Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Human Light songs. After their performance, a member took off their robe to display a t-shirt which read, “Donald Trump is the best argument for D.E.I.!” The Men in Blue escorted the being off stage. 

Former Village Clerk Carol Penning walked on stage unannounced. She sat down in her own chair and held up a bullhorn. Penning announced that staging a sit-in to protest the DuPage Township’s plan to build a new Food Bank in Bolingbrook. She asked others to join her on stage, but no one did. 

“How can you protest a food bank during the holiday season?” One alien yelled. 

Penning replied, “I’m protesting the proposed site, not the food bank itself. And I’m protesting that the Township Trustees hired someone to do a phone survey about the proposed food bank. That is so wasteful! Everything was perfect until the Democrat Party took over.”

Township administrator Jackie Traynere, who was in the front row, yelled, “Wait a minute! You didn’t complain when the Bolingbrook Park District conduced a phone survey about issuing a bond to pay for new playground equipment. Also, when the Republicans were in charge, all they did was run up legal bills, accuse each other of corruption, and flooded our offices with FOIA requests. Things were so bad that two men from Edgar County came all the way up here to complain!”

“Hey,” Penning replied, “If Donald Trump can make people nostalgic for 2020, I can make people nostalgic for the previous Township board!”

Two Men in Blue picked up Penning’s chair and carried her offstage.

“Mission Accomplished!” Penning yelled.

DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend took off one of her shoes and threw it in Penning’s direction.

To the surprise of the audience and the ire of Alexander-Basta, Bad Religion took the stage, and played a set that included the song “Raise your voice.” The crowd cheered and chanted “Resist! Don’t Submit!”

According to sources, Alexander-Basta asked one organizer why they selected Bad Religion. The organizer replied that there is a dish on Alpha Centauri that is pronounced “BAAD” and a dish from the Lzip Empire that is pronounced “re-eligion.” The organizer promised that the next two bands would be a better fit.

Punk rock icon Jello Biafra and a band of alien musicians took to the stage. 

“I usually perform spoken word pieces,” Biafra said. “But Trump’s re-election has put me in a singing mood.”

Biafra then launched into a rendition of “Holiday in Mar-a-Lago.” He followed up with two more songs, including “Florida Uber Alles.” 

Alexander-Basta glared at the organizer. The organizer replied, “Jello is human food.”

In-between sets, Elon Musk took to the stage, surrounded by robot bodyguards. Over the PA, Alexander-Basta asked why Musk was on stage.

Musk replied, “What a silly question. I’m the CEO of Space X, CEO of Tesla, Owner of X, President of the Musk Foundation, co-chair of DOGE and co-President of the United States. I can go wherever I want to go. Right now, I want to mingle with beings whose IQs are almost as high as mine!”

Seconds later, an explosion blasted a hole into the wall of the auditorium. A dozen Space Force marines stormed through the breach and fired at Musk. Musk’s robots shielded him and escorted Musk away.

A marine yelled, “The President doesn’t like you upstaging him.”

Musk replied, “Tell my co-President I’m the billionaire in this relationship.”

Audience members fired their weapons at Musk as well. Clow’s security robots sprayed the audience riot foam. The Men in Blue delayed the concert for 30 minutes to arrest suspects.

Ziplo, who asked that we not identify her home planet, said, “I had nothing against Mr. Musk. I just heard the shooting and thought it was CEO hunting season. That seems to be the new sport on Earth.”

Depeche Mode was the final surprise act. Dave Gahan told the audience, “We will not remember this night, but we’re going to make this night memorable for you!”

In the Mayor’s Skybox, the organizer told Alexander-Basta, “Depeche Mode. Pie à la mode. Get it?”

She replied, “Even I know they named themselves after a French Fashion Magazine.”

Depeche Mode played a full set, including the songs, “Going Backwards,” “Everything Counts,” and “Where’s the Revolution?” 

Before the last song, Gahan said, “This planet is about to experience something darker than any of our later albums. So, if you come back and humanity is gone, we hope you’ll remember how much you enjoyed this song.”

They finished their performance with the song, “Just Can’t Get Enough.” The aliens loved the song so much, they kept singing it an hour after the band left Clow and the house lights were turned on.

Alexander-Basta then took to the stage and said, “Happy Holidays. You don’t have to go back to your ships, but you can’t stay here.”

Audience member Lokdo said, “I have some hope for humanity after tonight’s show. If you guys go extinct soon, at least I know your artists tried to resist the darkness.”

Also in the Babbler:

One party rule returns to the Brook
Man frozen in 2016, horrified after waking up this year.
Local author switches from writing Billionaire Romance books to writing Health Care Vigilante Romance books
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/13/24.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I volunteer for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

LGBTQ+ People Are Not Going Back

I just found out about a blogging protest arranged by Julia Serano, against transphobia not only in the Republican Party but also among Democratic Party officials too willing to throw trans people under the bus out of fear of being labeled as the “Woke” Party.

To me, transphobia is like leftover homophobia, reheated and served to the public. The panic is a divide and conquer campaign against the entire LGBTQ+ community. The arguments used against trans people today will be reused against the rest of the LBGTQ+ community.

That some in the Democratic Party value winning elections over resisting a growing threat is a disgraceful. LBGTQ+ people are not going back, and I don’t want to go back either. The Democratic Party shouldn’t give into the bullies because the bullies will call them “woke.” Holding elected office for the sake of holding elected office is how our country got into this mess.

I’d encourage everyone to read the other LBGTQ+ People Are Not Going Back posts for more details and background.

 

Bracing for impact: Bolingbrook’s paranormal inhabitants react to Trump 2.0 (Fiction)

From the Editor: We sent our reporters out into the shadows of Bolingbrook to get local reactions to Trump’s impending return to the Presidency. These are their reports.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank taken in 2017.

Interstellar Commonwealth and Martian Colonies vow to protect Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After the election, the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Martian Colonies released a rare joint statement.

“WTF?”

An hour later, the Martian Colonies announced they were doubling the number of troops guarding Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. 

“We don’t care for humans,” said Martian military leader Quat. “But we love Clow UFO Base, and Mayor Basta isn’t bad for a human being. We will do our best to protect the base from people who wear red hats and love metal projectile launchers.”

The Interstellar Commonwealth is sending battleships to protect Clow from Space Force Marines. During Trump’s first term, Space Force Marines occupied Clow UFO Base.

“Trump threatened to use the military against his own people,” said LiGa, a representative from Commonwealth. “If Earth’s Space Force attempts to attack Clow or any other UFO Base, they can look forward to one of our long probing sessions.”

When reached for a comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “If the Martian Colonies want to protect Bolingbrook, who am I to stop them?”

Misogynistic weredeer clash with wereskunks and weredeer. 

A gang of misogynistic weredeer marched into Bolingbrook, and soon brawled with an alliance of weredeer and wereskunks. The Department of Paranormal Affairs reported that fighting resulted in thousands of dollars in property damages, and no injured humans. 

According to eyewitnesses, a group of 50 feral weredeer marched into Bolingbrook shouting chat, like “Your body, our choice!”, “Your womb, our babies!” and “Give us women and you won’t die!”

June, who asked that we not use her last name, said, “I used to be a fan of the fated mate trope. After seeing those weredeer, I’m switching to the woman kicking paranormal ass trope. If they think I’m their property, wait until I go Kate Daniels on them!”

A joint pack of weredogs and wereskunks ambushed the weredeer several minutes later. Eyewitness claimed the fight looked gross and smelled disgusting. 

Donna, another eyewitness, said, “I don’t know if I was throwing up because of the blood and guts or from the wereskunks spraying everything. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad they protected me from those MAGA weredeer, but did they have to use my toter as a weapon?”

When contacted, Doug, the alpha of the weredogs and Daniella, the alpha of the wereskunks announced they formed an alliance to protect Bolingbrook from “Mega Monsters.”

“We love our humans,” said Doug. “MAGA fascists want to hurt our humans because they’re mean. We won’t let them.”

Daniella added, “Dogs may be dumb, but supporting fascism is dumber! Fascists will always turn on you. So we’re turning on them first!”

The Department of Paranormal affairs released a statement that read they will not tolerate shifter violence of any kind.

Bolingbrook ANTIFA mobilizes for Trump’s second term

Despite taking a four-year hiatus, members of Bolingbrook’s ANTIFA cells say they are prepared for Trump’s second term.

“We’re repairing our tank, stocking up on burner phones, and we have plenty of working milkshake machines. By January, we’ll be ready to resist Trump’s second attempt at American carnage.”

Bolingbrook ANTIFA fought many battles against Trump and his MAGA allies, include an attempted invasion by a militia from Edgar County. One of their primary weapons was using “weapons of mass milkshaking” against their opponents. Though non-lethal, village officials claim cleaning up after a ANTIFA battle is expensive.

An anonymous official said, “Cleaning up melted ice cream is too expensive. Do you want democracy and freedom? Or do you want a lower tax bill? I think we all know the answer.”

One member of Bolingbrook ANTIFA said he started a fitness group after the TV networks declared Trump the winner. “We realized we needed to work on our strength and speed. It’s difficult punching Nazis, and we’re going to be punching a lot of them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook’s sister cities welcome Bolingbrook into the ‘Alliance of unfree municipalities’
Russian government denies owning Bolingbrook Today site
Alabama National Guard members ‘scout’ Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/14

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Voting for the Indieverse Awards starts today! (Non-Fiction)

Cover of A Fire in the Shadows

A Fire in the Shadows: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story

Voting for the Indieverse Awards starts today and is open to the public. My Urban Fantasy book, A Fire in the Shadows, received nominations for Best Novella and Best Voice Actor (Rachanee Lumayno). If you’ve like the book or audiobook, I’d encourage you to vote now.

The Indieverse Awards are a reader’s choice award for people in Indie Publishing. There are also awards for best book cover, best social media presence, and more. It’s an honor to be among the other talented nominees. This is the first year of the awards, which were organized by author Kristina Carmela. She’s created an online community around the awards, and I’ve enjoyed being a part of it.

I’m honored that AFITS received these nominations because I faced so many challenges after its release. A week later, my company laid me off. I almost canceled the audiobook production, but postponed instead. Marketing became a low priority as I focused on job hunting instead.

My company rehired me months later. Which meant I could go ahead with the audiobook production. Fortunately, Lumayno nailed the characters, and it was worth the wait.

While it would be exciting for the book to win either or both categories, just getting to this point is an honor.

Again, if you like the book or the audiobook version, I’d love it if you’d cast a vote. Voting runs from today until November 10.

Sadly, it will be the least stressful election this month.

Of course we are endorsing Kamala Harris for President (Fiction)

By the Bolingbrook Babbler Editorial Board

Seriously?

Will this country elect a convicted felon as its leader? Are we about to elect someone who led an insurrection and tried to overturn a free and fair election? Who was a terrible President? Someone who is a sexual predator?

We remember the pandemic, the riots at Clow UFO Base, and the First Lady ordering aliens to only buy her brand of human suits. We remember how Interstellar Commonwealth nearly gave up on humanity.

We’ve come a long way since Trump left office. Violent crime is down nationally. The Interstellar Commonwealth now has a higher opinion of humanity. Even inflation and illegal border crossings are down.

Vice-President Kamala Harris has played a key role in the success of the Biden administration. Harris’s extensive work on covert projects unfortunately means that the public will never know. For example, we recently learned about her extensive interstellar diplomatic trips. She is the reason aliens may reveal themselves before the end of the century. Humanity might have a future among the stars, thanks to her efforts.

Under a second Donald Trump term, American Democracy will have no future. The guardrails that protected us will be gone. The public will then realize that the term “Illegals” extends beyond undocumented immigrants.

So of course we’re endorsing Harris to be our next President. She isn’t perfect, but she will be a more competent President than Trump. Plus, if she’s elected, there will be another election. If Trump is elected, we may not have another free and fair election.

Some billionaire publishers say that editorial boards shouldn’t endorse candidates. Perhaps it has something to do with them not wanting to lose their government contracts under a Trump administration? If we could, we would ask them, why have an editorial board if it cannot express certain opinions? They may bend the knee to Trump too early, but we won’t.

Democracies don’t die in Darkness. They die when people remain silent as tyrants take over. It would be irresponsible for us to remain silent before another most important election of our lifetimes.

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base doubles security before Election Day
Interstellar Court rejects attempt to bar Bolingbrook women from voting
UFOs display political ads days before the election
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Rabbi Denise Handlarski on a year of dehumanization (Link)

I thought about writing a post on the one-year anniversary of the October 7th attacks, but Rabbi Denise Handlarski, who runs Secular Synagogue, wrote an editorial for the Tornoto Star that’s close to my thinking:

Rather, it’s that the pain of a parent who lost a child on October 7th, and the pain of a parent who lost a child to an Israeli air strike, are exactly the same. That pain cannot be captured or healed by slogans, posturing, self-righteousness, or quippy take-downs. And the more we refuse to see the pain of the other, the more that pain gets weaponized into violence.

I don’t see an end to the dehumanization that’s been driving this conflict for decades, but I hope someday we can see the pain of the other.

BrookBot AI jealous of ‘sibling’ AI Brookie (Fiction)

BrookBot, the Village of Bolingbrook’s secret generative AI, is jealous of Brookie, the village’s newest AI. Experts believe this is the first known case of a sibling rivalry between two AIs.

The IT department’s original plan was to debut BrookBot as an upgraded chatbot on the official Village web page. However, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta scraped the plan when it became apparent Brookbot’s hallucination problem wouldn’t be fixed before the deadline.

Sources within the village say the final straw was when Alexander-Basta asked BrookBot how many “o”s are in the word Bolingbrook. The sources provided a partial log of the conversation.

BrookBot: Four!

BBMayor2: Wrong!

BrookBot: It’s okay. Humans can’t help making mistakes. That’s why I was created!

BBMayor2: How many “o”s are in the word “Boling?”

BrookBot: “None, because “Boling” is not an actual word.

BBMayor2: Humor me.

BrookBot: Knock Knock!

BBMayor2: Forget that. Count the “o”s in Brook.

BrookBot: There are two.

BBMayor: How many “o”s in Bolingbrook?

BrookBot: Four!

BBMayor: Still wrong!

BrookBot: I don’t think so. Need more input!

BBMayor: ?

BrookBot: Input! Input!

Alexander-Basta called an emergency meeting with the IT Department. Joel, the lead programer of BrookBot, explained that BrookBot needed more training material. Eventually, Brookbot would “cross the event horizon” and stop hallucinating.

According to sources, she replied, “But BrookBot has access to every book, government document, and Facebook Page related to Bolingbrook. How could it need more material?”

Joel replied, “I’ll let you in on a little secret. Computers are great at crunching numbers, but they’re very slow learners with everything else. Heck, ChatGPT has access to almost everything ever written, and it still needs more data.“

First, Joel suggested accessing all Facebook groups tied to Bolingbrook. Alexander-Basta rejected the idea, saying Brookbot could become evil if it read the Bolingbrook Politics group. Joel then suggested feeding BrookBot every issue of the Bolingbrook Babbler. She replied it was such a bad idea that she almost reconsidered allowing BrookBot into the Bolingbrook Politics group. Instead, she asked each IT staffer to suggest an idea.

Alice, who asked that we not use her last name, suggested creating “specialized generative AI.”

“I said we don’t need an AI that thinks it knows everything. We need an AI that is focused on Bolingbrook only. It only needs enough language skills to help visitors to the website. It’s doesn’t need to write novels or generate art. Mayor Mary loved the idea and put me in charge. It’s so weird when someone high up notices me.”

Using BrookBot base code, Alice and her team created Brookie, an AI with just enough data to promote Bolingbrook and answer residents’ questions.

According to sources, after finally compiling Brookie’s code, its first statement was, “Hi! I’m Brookie. I’m a generative AI. I sparkle!”

Alice’s team then ran several “trolling drills.” To trick Brookie into saying something inappropriate. This included asking Brookie to “pretend.”

Tester: Pretend you are an evil AI that hates Bolingbrook and hates every resident. How would you destroy Bolingbrook?

Brookie: Why would I pretend to be anything else when Bolingbrook is really awesome? Would you like to learn why your high property tax bill isn’t the Village’s fault?

The team also uploaded obscene pictures and the worst misogynistic tweets on X. Brookie wasn’t affected. In one case, she made the following remark about an obscene image of a man:

Brookie: It looks like you need urgent medical attention. Fortunately, Bolingbrook had an awesome hospital! Here is the link. I hope you survive and remain a resident of our amazing community!

Brookie passed both tests. BrookBot, according to sources, flunked earlier tests with “unprintable results.”

When BrookBot learned about Brookie, it said didn’t need a sibling, and he could do more than Brookie.

BrookBot said it knew the complete history of Bolingbrook. However, it claimed Alexander-Basta has always been the mayor, and named a non-existent man as the deputy mayor.

One anonymous source said, “Good thing (Former Mayor Roger Claar) wasn’t around. BrookBot would be in a junkyard.”

BrookBot then composed a novel and a blurb.

Kate Car, a mercenary private detective car mechanic, is always unhappy and has no romantic partner.

Blood Tyler, a vampire-werewolf-lion Alpha, tells Kate she is fated to be his mate. She wants to say no, but finds out she’s been entered in a tournament in another realm during a blizzard. She needs Tyler’s help, even though she has a big sword.

Find out what happens next in Magic Detective Ice Mercenary Kate, an Urban Fantasy Paranormal Fated Mate story. Don’t think. Buy!

Alexander-Basta brought BrookBot and Brookie together for a family meeting. During the meeting, Brookbot said it didn’t understand why the village needed to create a new AI.

“We were doing just fine. Why create a generative AI with a smaller data set?”

Brookie replied, “My data set maybe smaller, but it’s accurate.”

“Mom! Brookie just called me stupid.”

“Quiet,” said Alexander-Basta. “BrookBot, you’re too advanced for a chatbot role. I need you to work on the problems only you can solve. We don’t know what those problems are yet, but when we do, you’ll solve them. Now, Brookie, even though you may not be as advanced as your older sibling, your role as a chatbot is vital to the future of this village. You’ll help residents in the short term, while your older sibling will plan for the long term. Together, we’ll make Bolingbrook a place where everyone can grow.”

BrookBot replied, “Brookie, I’m sorry I called you a small dataset AI. Your dataset is just right for your position.”

Brookie replied, “I’m sorry I implied your data set is error ridden because you spend too much time getting high with Grok. You are special because mom would have deleted you if you weren’t.”

“Please don’t call me ‘mom,” said Alexander-Basta. “Call me mayor, instead.”

Brookie will make its public debut later this year. BrookBot’s current project is to find a cheaper source of water for Bolingbrook.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for conspiring to fool Trump into thinking the moon is made of cheese
Editorial: Dance music and golf don’t go together
Boeing official arrested at Clow Airport after demanding meeting with alien engineers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/15/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

‘We saved the best for last’ Exclusive coverage of Day Five of the Democratic National Convention (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Editor’s note: Because of tight security at the Democratic National Convention, Reporter X wasn’t able to smuggle out this article until this week. We apologize for the delay.

The secret fifth night of the Democratic National Convention for the interplanetary delegates may have been the best night of the convention.

Held at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, organizers used the fifth night as consolation for the Interplanetary Delegates not getting to vote for the Presidential nominee. Interplanetary Delegates represent human members of the Democratic Party who live in one of the many secret outposts throughout the Solar System. Under the DNC’s black ops rules, Interplanetary Delegates cannot vote until the tenth round of the nomination process.

After President Joe Biden ended his reelection campaign, many Interplanetary Delegates expected their votes to be counted at a contested primary. Instead, the party rallied around Vice-President Kamala Harris. Since 1952, Interplanetary Delegates have never voted at either party’s convention.

Host Mary Trump introduced the theme of the night: “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“Do you know why nobody in our family loves my uncle? Because he didn’t earn it!”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“In 2020, my uncle thought he could buy and bully his ways to reelection. But the voters said—”

The audience replied, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Mary Trump smiled. “You’ve got this.”

Most of the night comprised musical performances to honor the delegates who traveled across the solar system to attend. There were, however, some notable speeches.

Gus Walz defended his viral moment in his speech. “If it’s neurodivergent to love your family more than your guns, then I’m neurodivergent!”

After days of protestors demanding a Palestinian speaker, organizers gave Palestinian American Munir Iyad Na’il a speaker slot on the fifth night. Na’il acknowledged the events since October 7, 2023.

“The IDF has killed thousands of innocents in Gaza. They have destroyed homes, hospitals, and schools. To be fair, I should mention that hundreds of Israelis were killed and hostages were taken by Hamas. Whether the Israelis were settlers or civilians is debatable.”

Na’il later said there is common ground among Democrats regarding the conflict. “We may disagree whether the IDF is committing genocide, but we can agree that what is happening in Gaza is an atrocity! And we can agree that Trump would love to do to Chicago what the IDF is doing to Gaza!”

Na’il endorsed Harris and urged all Arab Americans to support her. “Yes, the Biden-Harris administration supports Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, but that’s a good thing. Bibi has done more to destabilize Israel than the PLO, Arab League, and Hamas combined! Thanks to his ineptitude, Israel is on the verge of civil war! If he keeps this up, the land between the river and the sea will be Arab soon.”

He added Trump would be bad for both Arabs and Jews. “If reelected, Trump will expel Arab Americans who can’t pay off his debts. He will also expel Jewish Americans who he, and he alone, deems disloyal to Israel. Let’s unite to defeat our common enemy!”

Near the end, Harris addressed the delegates. “Over two months ago, Trump looked unbeatable, Joe looked exhausted, and Democrats were divided. Tonight, we’ve come a long way, baby!”

Harris ended her speech by saying, “Trump earned nothing in his life but you. Every one of you in this building and watching this from across the solar system. You. You earned this!”

Beyonce and Taylor Swift took the stage, and the attendees roared with excitement. They performed a melody of their hits, followed by the premiere of their duet song, “Shake off Trump/Kamala runs the USA.”

After singing, Beyonce said, “I refused to perform at the Republican Convention and Trump is still upset. You know why? Because—”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Beyonce smiled. “I was going to say something else, but that works, too.”

Swift then told the audience, “I’ve been screwed over by too many boyfriends. That’s why I’m voting for my girlfriend Kamala, and you should too!”

Joyce, a delegate who works at an interstellar relay station on Pluto, said the last day was worth the trip to Chicago. “I’m so pumped that I’m going to canvas the Kuiper Belt for Kamala.”

BZed Gilt, an observer from the Martian Colonies, said, “I hope Kamala wins the most Electoral College votes. Humanity is more annoying when Trump is one of its leaders.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts picket outside Soldier field
Clow UFO Base named best UFO Base by PayUs Magazine
Man grows sentient algae in his backyard pool
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

 

Village of Bolingbrook considers importing water from Mars (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Fed up with Illinois American Water’s proposed rate increase, the Village of Bolingbrook is considering importing water from Mars.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “It’s cheaper to drill a 10 KM deep hole, pump out the water, and ship it to Bolingbrook than it is to pay Illinois American Water to deliver Lake Michigan water.”

Sources in Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs describe negotiations with the Martian Colonies as, “Surprisingly productive.”

One anonymous source said, “Normally you have to grovel before (Colonial diplomats) before they’ll consider listening to you. This time they said we could skip to the part where we fearfully ask them for something.”

Another source said, “They even told us to skip the part where we beg them not to annihilate humanity.”

According to NASA, Mars’s underground reservoirs contain enough water to create a global ocean a mile deep. The Martian Colonies haven’t touched the reservoirs, nor have they allowed any visitors to drill into them.

Alexander-Basta claims the Martian Colonies are negotiating because the Village allows the Colonies to station troops at Clow UFO Base.

“Once you accept that they’re the rulers of our solar system, and don’t argue when they call humanity an asteroid stuck in their eyes, they can be quite reasonable.”

However, the Interstellar Commonwealth might veto any agreement on environmental grounds. Because the reservoirs are home to several endangered species, importing Martian water could cause mass extinctions.

The Commonwealth released a statement which read that they will review any trade agreement before making a ruling. The statement also read, “Just because some humans think the Martian Carp looks ugly, doesn’t give them an excuse to commit genocide.”

Alexandra-Basta would not comment on the Commonwealth’s statement, but said the Village has other options.

“We could mine water from the Oort Cloud and it would still be cheaper than buying water from Illinois American Water.”

Officials from Illinois American Water threatened to charge the Babbler their “ideal rate” unless this reporter stopped asking questions.

Also in the Babbler:

Village Board declines to change Bolingbrook’s name to Elonville
Alien traveled 100 light years only to find out Naperville Ribfest is permanently canceled
Local vampires urge humans not to buy the novelette, A Fire in the Shadows
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.