From the Editor: We sent our reporters out into the shadows of Bolingbrook to get local reactions to Trump’s impending return to the Presidency. These are their reports.

Interstellar Commonwealth and Martian Colonies vow to protect Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After the election, the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Martian Colonies released a rare joint statement.

“WTF?”

An hour later, the Martian Colonies announced they were doubling the number of troops guarding Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. 

“We don’t care for humans,” said Martian military leader Quat. “But we love Clow UFO Base, and Mayor Basta isn’t bad for a human being. We will do our best to protect the base from people who wear red hats and love metal projectile launchers.”

The Interstellar Commonwealth is sending battleships to protect Clow from Space Force Marines. During Trump’s first term, Space Force Marines occupied Clow UFO Base.

“Trump threatened to use the military against his own people,” said LiGa, a representative from Commonwealth. “If Earth’s Space Force attempts to attack Clow or any other UFO Base, they can look forward to one of our long probing sessions.”

When reached for a comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “If the Martian Colonies want to protect Bolingbrook, who am I to stop them?”

Misogynistic weredeer clash with wereskunks and weredeer. 

A gang of misogynistic weredeer marched into Bolingbrook, and soon brawled with an alliance of weredeer and wereskunks. The Department of Paranormal Affairs reported that fighting resulted in thousands of dollars in property damages, and no injured humans. 

According to eyewitnesses, a group of 50 feral weredeer marched into Bolingbrook shouting chat, like “Your body, our choice!”, “Your womb, our babies!” and “Give us women and you won’t die!”

June, who asked that we not use her last name, said, “I used to be a fan of the fated mate trope. After seeing those weredeer, I’m switching to the woman kicking paranormal ass trope. If they think I’m their property, wait until I go Kate Daniels on them!”

A joint pack of weredogs and wereskunks ambushed the weredeer several minutes later. Eyewitness claimed the fight looked gross and smelled disgusting. 

Donna, another eyewitness, said, “I don’t know if I was throwing up because of the blood and guts or from the wereskunks spraying everything. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad they protected me from those MAGA weredeer, but did they have to use my toter as a weapon?”

When contacted, Doug, the alpha of the weredogs and Daniella, the alpha of the wereskunks announced they formed an alliance to protect Bolingbrook from “Mega Monsters.”

“We love our humans,” said Doug. “MAGA fascists want to hurt our humans because they’re mean. We won’t let them.”

Daniella added, “Dogs may be dumb, but supporting fascism is dumber! Fascists will always turn on you. So we’re turning on them first!”

The Department of Paranormal affairs released a statement that read they will not tolerate shifter violence of any kind.

Bolingbrook ANTIFA mobilizes for Trump’s second term

Despite taking a four-year hiatus, members of Bolingbrook’s ANTIFA cells say they are prepared for Trump’s second term.

“We’re repairing our tank, stocking up on burner phones, and we have plenty of working milkshake machines. By January, we’ll be ready to resist Trump’s second attempt at American carnage.”

Bolingbrook ANTIFA fought many battles against Trump and his MAGA allies, include an attempted invasion by a militia from Edgar County. One of their primary weapons was using “weapons of mass milkshaking” against their opponents. Though non-lethal, village officials claim cleaning up after a ANTIFA battle is expensive.

An anonymous official said, “Cleaning up melted ice cream is too expensive. Do you want democracy and freedom? Or do you want a lower tax bill? I think we all know the answer.”

One member of Bolingbrook ANTIFA said he started a fitness group after the TV networks declared Trump the winner. “We realized we needed to work on our strength and speed. It’s difficult punching Nazis, and we’re going to be punching a lot of them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook’s sister cities welcome Bolingbrook into the ‘Alliance of unfree municipalities’
Russian government denies owning Bolingbrook Today site
Alabama National Guard members ‘scout’ Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/14

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

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