You're never too old unless you're dead.
About a week ago I took a woodworking class. I had no real interest in taking a woodworking class or working on a lathe. I mean, I was interested in it the same way I'm interested in pretty much everything, but I never had the deep-seated desire to turn wood, hold it up and declare to the world I MADE THIS HUNK OF WOOD OUT OF A HUNK OF WOOD!
But, my mother and one of my sisters ran into a guy who gave woodworking classes at some craft show a while ago and that was it. They were taking a woodworking class in an old Cotton Factory in town that now houses a bunch of artisans and business owners who understand nothing makes you more legit than working in a century old warehouse in the bad part of town. Seriously. An old building that the wind can whistle through and mangled wood floors smack dab in the middle of the hood. It's like a sticky trap for cool people.
NOT hipsters. Cool people. There's a difference. Hip is now, cool is forever.
How could I let my 83 year old mother be cooler than I was (yet again)? I signed up for the class immediately.
At 11:00-ish a.m. sharp we made our way through the maze of Cotton factory corridors and buildings until we came upon Y Knot Woodturning. Our classroom for the day. Instead of books there were chisels, instead of desks there were lathes and instead of apples on the teacher's desk there were bandaids. Other than that, same same.
We were told we could make almost whatever we wanted. Most of us wanted to make a pepper mill but Betty had to be different, and asked to make a salt box out of Ebony. When she was told Ebony would cost an extra $60 she gave a little snort and declared walnut her wood of choice.
Hugh, our instructor. I don't think he gave us the good tools to work with. He's smart like that.
In total I think we dropped our tools or rammed them on the lathe approximately 894 times.
Yet this is how happy he was to have us there.
In fact everyone was happy. We were all smiling like simpletons who had just been given new cardboard boxes to play with.
Betty refused to wear an apron, a dust mask or accept a seat during our 5 hours there. I on the other hand crouched on the floor due to exhaustion several times, wore safety glasses and a face mask and made sure I knew where the emergency exit was on the off chance someone's arm was taken off and I needed to make a quick escape to avoid vomiting in Hugh's workshop.
If you've never worked on a lathe before or have any idea how wood is turned, it's pretty archaic. You literally just clamp a square hunk of wood into a wildly spinning machine and hold a very sharp implement to it and hope the square hunk turns round before the wood or the chisel flip in the air and make their way to one of your important arteries.
Please accept that lesson from me to you, free of charge. You're welcome.
Now let's walk you through the process of making my pepper mill from start to finish.
This is what my pepper mill started out as. A long, square piece of wormy maple. Hugh cut it to length for me and then I was on my own. He told us how to use the lathe and safety precautions to take and that was really it. You were the official lathe operator from then on.
The first step to making most things is turning the square hunk into a round hunk. To do that all you do is hold a chisel against the fence of the lathe until you have wood shavings in your underwear. Once you have that, your hunk of wood is probably round.
We always had a lathe in our home because my father was a machinist. But he was making metal bits of stuff and it never interested me. NOW I wish I'd paid attention or shown some sort of interest. But mainly he liked to be alone in his workshop and drink while using dangerous power tools, so it's probably better I was uninterested.
Once you have your round shape, you do a bunch of stuff I don't remember because it all happened so fast. You have to drill holes so the mill is hollow on the inside, plus a couple of holes in the bottom for the mill gear to fit. You have to cut off the top and do a bunch of other things that, like I said, I don't remember. Every once in a while Hugh would wander over, grab something out of your hand, fix something that was about to go horribly wrong, and then he'd whistle over to the next person and do the same thing.
One of the last steps is shaping your pepper mill. You can do anything. Make it all bumpy like a typical, traditional pepper mill, or make it completely straight up and down, WHATEVER YOU WANT. It was so overwhelming I had some kind of breakdown. Everyone else knew they wanted a bumpy pepper mill and my mother was making a salt box so she didn't have to decide on anything. I wanted to make a bumpy pepper mill because it seemed more fun to do ... but ... I also wanted something a bit sleeker. Against my better judgement I went with a sleek design.
There's no template, no pattern, no guide at all. You just grab your chisel, freehand the pepper mill and hope for the best. Once your shape is done you sand it until it's like glass and then you grab a big pile of wood shavings from the floor (or your underpants) and sand the pepper mill once more with those. Then it's like wet glass.
Now all you have to do is put the hardware in the pepper mill, sign it and decide what you're having for dinner.
Ta. Da. My Scandinavian pepper mill, right down to its finish of Danish Tung Oil. I kept telling everyone I just needed to lick it, but no one got the joke. I'm Danish you see.
If you look at the spot on the pepper mill that's directly in line with the middle of my palm you'll see two holes that look like snake bites. Those are the worm holes. And corresponding to those holds are dark stripes down the wood. Those dark stripes are created by an enzyme released by the worms. It discolours the wood.
5 hours it took to make that baby. Hugh says I could sell it for $85. The course cost me just over $100 and took 5 hours of my time so I'm not sure it's the best way for me to make some side cash.
With our completed projects.
At home in the kitchen.
Which brings us full circle to my first point. Betty is 83 and still taking courses and learning new things. Just a few months ago she told me she learned a LOT by watching the show Orange is the New Black for instance.
So the next time you think to yourself I'm too old to (insert ANYTHING here), tell yourself to shut the hell up. If 83 year old Betty can learn how lesbians have sex without a penis then you can learn how to skydive. Or play the drums or the piano or poker.
You're never too old. Unless you're dead.
Have a good weekend!
I love Betty..if I am like her in exactly 20 yrs I will get on my knees and Thank God.What a gal.You all look so cute and I bet your teacher had a ball w/ you..the class was well worth it..love those hand milled mills..Gorgeous..and fun..I'm like your mom..Orange is the new black..Shameless..lol have to see what's happening outside my lovely little country snow covered town.The only downside is sometimes I surprise myself w/ an off color word in my head..and then out of it:)So be it.
The end is priceless! So true. So hilarious. So perfectly timed. Also, wanted you to know I've jumped into a frog project that I had listed on a long term goal list from your Do More Stuff workshop. Never to late to go back to school and start my masters degree. Thanks for keeping us laughing and inspired!
Wow! Congratulations Kelly. ~ karen!
Beautiful wooden things! So far in my 50s, have taken up beekeeping, basic carpentry, trail running, bike- and skijoring and your blog has had something to do with all that. Thanks for your confidence & humour and for sharing your mom!
Oh! That makes me happy Tarra. I'd love to think I'm a tiny bit of your motivation. ~ karen!
Spit my coffee at the last paragraph! You’re the best Karen and I needed this! I seem to be saying “I’m too old” quite a bit lately and the truth is I’ll never be younger than I am today so Carpe Diem!
Indeed. ~ karen!
Thanks for a fun and informative post. You and your relatives are very cool, esp. Betty! Ladies rock! Learning things whilst on the road to aging is so much more fun than not doing so! Though you are not on that road yet Karen, your mom has given you a great blueprint on
"The Art of Doing Stuff"!
Great Life Lesson.
Beautiful Mill
Priceless Laugh for the Day!
TY Karen
I absolutely love this and I love your posts. I have a saying that we use in our family "Be like Betty." It would take me too long to explain, but this is another reason I want to "Be like Betty". She's amazing and so are you. Thanks for the morning laugh!
WOW ! I can't believe how beautiful that objet d'art is,but then I remembered who created it and of course ....I have followed you as you destructed and constructed a back yard into a Malibu ocean front terrace and a kitchen fit for a cordon bleu chef a spooky magical halloween front porch-delicious recipes and humor that has lightened and brightened my day and I feel you should be awarded some sort of planet wide award for sooper dooper achievements. Also you are the most appropriate candidate for creating said medal since obviously you have magical powers and a genius IQ.
Ha! Magical powers? Probably. Genius IQ? Never. ~ karen!
Your blog is the one thing that is must reading when it shows up in my in-box.
Great looking pepper mill, Karen, I'm partial to sleek myself.
Kudos to all of you. No wonder you are so remarkable - you come from a remarkable family!
My neighbour, 'Old Wood Guy', had me turning my own draw pulls for a dresser I restored. Very satisfying work especially if your working life (what you do to earn the money to support your life) consists of shuffling papers around and giving good phone. Actually making something useful is powerful.
Thanks for reminding me - think I’ll go visit the neighbour.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
-Teri on the wet coast.
Lmfao. This was funny...really funny...shavings in your underpants. Hahahahaha coffee snort on that one. Funny and sweet...I envy you ..I would give anything to have my Mom here..you are so blessed, I am grateful for my sisters ..built in best friends ..and I too have awesome nieces and nephews who are also friends ! And your pepper mill is the bomb! Great job. Xo
Thanks Marlyn! It was fun. And there really were shavings in our underpants. Pink Tool belt came back from the bathroom with a look of wonder on her face during the class. ~ karen!
Funny you should mention drums. When I turned 40, my friends went in together and bought me a drum kit and a lesson at the local music store. They told me to stop talking about it and play the drums already. I took lessons for about three years before life got too busy. But the kit is still in the basement and I occasionally go work out some angst with really loud, really bad rock 'n roll rhythms.
I'm also the editor of some woodworking magazines. You ever want to learn about carving, woodburning, or scroll saws, lemme know.
"simpletons who had just been given new cardboard boxes to play with"
*snort* spit coffee over this -- you're so dang clever :)
Lifelong learning, I'm in! In fact I am learning to play the drums, something I have always wanted to do. I am a little impatient because I just want to sound like a rock star immediately and that brings out how uncoordinated I am, ugh, high hat (which I called top hat), snare, foot pedal for the base back to high hat, uh wait, they were supposed to go together on that beat, shit, oh screw it just beat everything and start again. So much fun!
Love, love, love it!!! You've made my day. :)
hey, karen. i saw that pepper mill in one of your recent posts and i thought, "that looks new...i wonder if she made it." it's absolutely lovely.
we have quite a few old factories and mills that have been converted to arts and crafts venues as well as condominiums (18' ceilings!) and city/business offices. (the buildings that were too contaminated have been razed.) these buildings are really old, but it's nice to see them put to good use.
thanks for clearing up the origin of said spied pepper mill.
I saw that a couple of people spotted it in my toothpick post, but I didn't want to say anything until the big reveal. Just about killed me not to scream out "I MADE IT OUT OF A HUNK OF WOOD"! ~ karen
Karen, this is one of your best columns ever (although I did miss the eyebrow threading one... maybe that one was?)
Kudos to Betty and to Moms everywhere who inspire us not to grow moss (except in fun unexpected places) and who remind us to never stop being curious. Oh yeah, and to always be kind.
You just made my week, thank you! Also, I would love to take this course. Could you supply contact info for Y Knot? Merry Christmas Karen (psst your pepper mill was the bestest!) XO!!
The Art of Doing Stuff, and stuff you did. Kudos to all, and especially to Betty because she is a real inspiration! Besides, I happen to like salt boxes.
Good to see y'all bonding and having fun!
I love the distinction between hip and cool. Your pepper mill is beautiful.
I've been saying that since I was about 20. My friend (also named Karen) thought it was brilliant at the time, so I stuck with it, lol. ~ karen!
Congrats, Karen! fine, sleek pepper mill: sleek was the better choice- so many commercial bumpy ones around. The enzyme inclusion on the hard maple is a beautiful accent that wouldn't have worked as well with "bumpy". Thankfully, the worms that burrowed the two tiny holes are long gone; they're powder post beetles, nasty, insidious wee creatures, if you have a lot of wood around your home...... as I do. I too, play a lot with wood: just finished a birdseye maple paddle yesterday, for my 15 yr. young granddaughter's Christmas (she won't be reading this post). Now, of course, you make the salt mill!
I must make a note to plant the birch for the toothpicks.
Have a great, memorable family Christmas.
Your granddaughter is a lucky gal! Merry Christmas!
Heather, I'm the lucky one.
Awww, that confirms how lucky she is! I never had grandparents, so I'm always fascinated by the relationship. Glad you're having fun together. :)
Thanks Jack. Good luck with the birch tree. ;) ~ karen!