I can take a lot of badness in Hallmark Christmas movies. I revel in the badness. But last night as I was making dinner with my first movie of the season on, one piece of dialogue made me freeze and lock eyes with the television.
Incredulous, I parroted the line back, punctuated with a questioning wtf, followed by an, "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?".
This 15 year old photo of me with a small pike will make sense in a moment.
The premise - a mother brings her teenage son to a remote island lighthouse for Christmas hoping the experience will bring them closer together. How will this happen?
The same way it happens in all Hallmark Christmas movies: through the power of hot chocolate, misunderstandings and a hot guy, who has a lazy resemblance to a more famous actor.
Also, the lighthouse.
In Navigating Christmas, awkward, surly, teenage son meets gregarious, friendly teenage girl who says HEY! Let's watch the Christmas fireworks (huh??) from the best spot on the island, my dad's bass fishing boat out in the water. (huh??)
Um. O.K. Seems kind of cold to be on a boat and why are there Christmas fireworks? Google, google, google, - AH! Some people in the south set off fireworks on Christmas Eve.
Fine. I'll roll with it.
Then.
THEN.
This line, from friendly girl to surly boy as they sit in the boat:
"Are you hungry? My dad usually keeps snacks in the tackle box."
I look up from my soup stirring. What? KEEPS SNACKS IN THE TACKLE BOX?! Are you shitting me?
In the tackle box. That's where dad keeps his snacks on his luxury fishing boat. I fish. I know what tackle boxes are like. They're filled with old line, treble hooks, dried bits of live bait, and always, always smell like a combination of plastic, motor oil and fish farts.
She must mean her father has a different kind of tackle box. A southern tackle box is maybe actually a fridge. Or wicker basket. Or code for takeout window.
Perhaps it's a wood box that contains snacks SO delicious people tackle each other to be first to the snacks. Maybe.
Nope. There it is. She's pulling out a regular plastic tackle box from somewhere in the boat and I absolutely know there are bits of dried worm guts in there.
She pops it open, sticks her hand into the fog of fish stink and pulls out some snacks.
I'd like you to remember back to the trailer you watched above so I can point out that the line "My dad usually keeps snacks in the tackle box" did not make the highlight reel.
My dad usually keeps snacks in the tackle box. And just like that, I couldn't handle one more stupid thing from a Hallmark movie. I threw my spoon, licked the carrot soup off the remote and put the radio on.
I could handle when Winnie Cooper (the nanny) fell in love with the prince of that imaginary country. And he fell in love with her back.
I could handle when the movie budget was so low the Christmas decorations consisted of 5 velvet bows from the dollar store stuck to various household objects. No object was too stupid. Yes, let's do put a bow almost in the middle of a bare wall.
I cheered on the actors who reacted to the holiday magic of 5 bows as though Santa himself had just burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid man.
The improbable meet-cutes, the love in an instant and the complete disregard for anything that makes sense. I could handle all of it with no more than a contact lens losing eye roll.
But this was the flaw that broke the mammal's snack.
Tackle box candy canes.
I know how the movie ends. I didn't watch it, but I know. The woman with the most Hallmarky hair (loose curl and tasteful highlights) fell in love with the salty guy with the aversion to Christmas and within 3 days she'll have decided to move to the remote island with him even though she only packed 3 pairs of underwear and her Dyson hairdryer.
I searched online to find the name of the writer who came up with this but there's very little information online about who actually writes the Christmas movies.
I suspect the production company comes up with a snappy movie title, assembles a cast & crew of Hallmark veterans, and then they Mad Lib the rest.
Never again will I watch a Hallmark Christmas movie. Not in November.
I haven't been properly swaddled in a blanket of Christmas feel-good yet. I'm surly, jaded and combative in November which is not the proper headspace to accept fish fart candy canes as a touching gesture of young love.
Plus now I'm craving fish sticks and Hallmark curly hair. This is what happened the last time I got that craving.
The pike photo above makes sense now, right? It acts as a palate cleanser if you need it after seeing this.
If I eat fish sticks for dinner tonight I will blame Hallmark. I'm probably safe because I do not have any fish sticks.
I do however have everything I need to make them, stuck to the inside of my tackle box.
The End.
2.5 hours later
Scratch that. I just saw a commercial for A Biltmore Christmas while I was watching my second Hallmark movie this afternoon and I got the shivers. Now THAT'S gonna be a good Christmas movie.
Shove that tackle box to the side Captain Hallmark, because I'm back on board.
Bloody hell, y'all, please don't tell me that you, who I assume are otherwise intelligent people, waste a precious two hours on that drool? Or multiple two-hours if you are a serial self-abuser!
In my mind, if it's not "It's a Wonderful Life" or "Die Hard", it is not a Christmas movie worth watching.
But I'm not perfect ... for some obscure reason, I still watch "White Christmas" every year at least once, before I once again realize how cheese-y it is. What can I say, there's just something magical about Danny Kaye and Vera Ellen doing their "The Best Things Happen When You're Dancing" number.
I went through a phase of recording and watching all the Hallmark Christmas movies until I realized I couldn't tell if I'd already watched a movie because ummm...this plot is exactly like the plot of one I watched last year. My husband relentlessly teased me about them and I didn't care until the mind numbing sameness finally got to me. Having said that, the fish tackle box snacks could only have come from a person who has never fished themselves, or never had a relative who fished and willed their vintage (read smelly and nasty) tackle box to them. Otherwise, that line would never have occured to them. I'm sad that you wasted a spoonful of carrot soup on a bad Hallmark movie, though.
I know. Thank you for your condolences. It was a very good soup. ~ karen!
The thing that always makes me NUTS is when people on TV are peeling a carrot or potatoes, and they are holding the veggie up in the air with one hand and pecking at the peel one stroke at a time.
Here's another one: One person washing dishes in a sudsy bowl -
then handing it off to their partner to towel dry.
HEY! What happened to the rinse???
Hallmark Christmas Movies are rather like Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys novels, or for a more current touch Babysitters Club and Goosebump series---authored by a pool. As a result, many feature WTF lines and moments that are supposed to be warm and witty or sometimes suspenseful. I am a firm believer in just say "NO". There are better seasonal oldy but goody movies available on dvd that can be picked up for a "song" and played on repeat around Christmastime. The tackle box stopped me cold. Just the thought of the aged fish and bait glop smell turned me! I can watch back to back versions (4 I believe) of A Christmas Carol, White Christmas (2), Rudolph, and my all-time favorite: Enemy of the State (what--you didn't think that a Christmas movie?) as well as many other holiday themed movies. I do draw the line at Barney, but your tackle box movie has moved that line to include to Hallmark avoidance.
Hahaha! I'm so like that when I'm not in the right mood! Can't handle the ridiculousness!
Judy nailed it…
Lisa G,
That was surly boy’s job.
This is my favorite post of all time! I’m gonna go buy something from your Amazon store! Thanks for being you!
LOL, thanks Jean C. ~ karen!
You’re too funny. Just too funny…
For every Hallmark movie I watch, I have to view six hours of "Snapped" or "Homicide for the Holidays" just to cleanse the "sweetness" out.
I can only take about 15 minutes of HMM this year.
Could they just once let a woman be happy and successful on her own? Happily divorced, successfully single with a faithful dog?
Agreed!
You really know tackle boxes!
I have about 7 of them. Even though if I'm being honest my favourite way to fish is like I did as a kid with a bobber and a worm. THAT is relaxation. ~ karen!
Maybe it’s just me but I think ‘snack in the tackle box’ is a euphemism.
This.
Very astute of you, Judy! Those kind of "euphemisms" can be found in virtually all Hallmark movies.
I'm pretty good at picking up on sexual euphemisms. Any euphs in fact. This was just bad writing. ~ karen!
Hells bells you looked like that at 15??? Omg you were hot. Not that you’re not hot now but……
just sayin’ 😏
We were ALL hot@15… !
Hah! I didn’t “bloom” ‘til 20 😁
I Karen is saying that the photo is 15 years old, not that she was 15 in that photo.
Ohhhhhh…. thanks
Doh 🙄
When you consider I'm 30, it's the same thing. ;) ~ karen!
Karen - 1. you're probably right on the euphemisms (you got a whole lot of right coming out of you - that's why so many of us are here and even taking the time to comment) but it was too funny to leave alone. 2. I have been waiting for Biltmore since last Christmas. Don't know what happen to delay it, but am really looking forward to seeing what they did with my teenage stomping grounds. I had the good fortune to go to the same school as the heirs and they were generous with access for events. This movie also has two of Hallmark's best actors, so if the writing and editing is good we will be in for a treat. 3. If you haven't yet seen Three Wise Men and a Baby, you are missing one of the best productions Hallmark has done in it's recent format. There are some super references to the first Three Men and a Baby (yes, I admit to having seen it) and it was co-written by two of Hallmarks regulars, Campbell and Sustend (sp?) - the Tracy and Hepburn of Hallmark. They wrote another really enjoyable film the year before, Christmas at the Starlight. 4. The most important stuff going at Hallmark IMO now is they are finally catching up with the world - diversity wise. Some of their best work recently has shown mixed race couples, same sex marriages and of course the adorable Luke McFarlane kissing a man and letting his comic skills flow freely.
I almost went into that in my post but it brought the vibe down a bit. I'll be happy when I can watch a Hallmark (or-the-like movie) and not be distracted by how painfully obvious it is they're trying to be diverse. I'm so impressed they went in this direction though. It could have gone either way. ~ karen!
Hilarious post! I wouldn't eat anything that came out of a tackle box.
While I don't love the "quality" of Hallmark Christmas movies, I love the comfort of them **IN MODERATION. I hate that they show constant Christmas movies for months at a time. However, one of my favorite things EVER is to watch the dumbest one I can find at the same time with my best friend who lives across the country from me, texting back and forth the whole time about each new inanity. I also highly recommend the combination of Hallmark Movie Bingo (find the printable bingo cards online), wine, and one or more friends.
Oh yes. I'm going to have to search that immediately. ~ karen!
EVERY SINGLE YEAR! Himself says “stop torturing yourself!”
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Christmas movie insanity
I totally agree with the tackle box snacks. How stupid!! Clearly these people have never gone fishing, especially not to catch some stinky Jackfish like the one in the photo.
Original east coast gal. NO,NO,NO we do not keep snacks, how about soggy wax paper baloney ones in the tackle box. NO, not even tinfoil or plastic ensconced snacks. My grown child, now in post production laments the pre Hallmark Christmas Movie season, but it keeps KD on the table I personally do not watch Hallmark Christmas movies.
But Karen, with your new hairstyle and plaid shirt you too can be in a genuine for real east coast (Canada) Hallmark movie, perhaps stranded off Cape Forchu and omg, would you be forced to eat the remains in the bottom your genuine Canadian tackle box! We are officially in the season. Merry Christmas to you & yours.
There’s a season for Hallmark Christmas movies? Here in O-H-I-O, they’re on year round (who watches those in July? My S.O.). I think they’re made for men who are afraid to admit to loving soap operas.
Best rant EVER!! Tackle boxes. Ewww.
Right?! ~ karen
OK first let me say that I am not a Hallmark movie fan. Please do not clutch your pearls or gasp in horror, but I’m not a Hallmark movie fan… And I’m not… Absolutely not a Hallmark Christmas movie fan, so I had no basis for the whole Hallmark thing, truth be told, I had to go to my husband who watches this… (Yes, you read that right, my husband.) But what I AM is a girl that grew up in the Midwest and loves to fish. I know how to fish, clean a fish, bait a hook, get up at an ungodly hour that is so early , that it is still dark out. I grew up, drinking, lukewarm coffee out of an old beat up thermos sitting in a boat with my dad on vacation fishing for rainbow trout. I knew what my uncle meant when he said, he and my cousin we’re going smelting in Montrose Harbor… So yeah, you get it, I fish. I grew up, knowing the contents of a tacklebox. And yes… SPOT ON!!! that tacklebox… I grew up doing the names of the lures… but I also knew how gross it was and though that ‘nugget’ of SOMETHING may look like gum, it’s NOT!
So when I read this post, I literally felt like I had to go change my underpants because I laughed so hard. Thank you for posting this. You have absolutely, positively, hands-down… Made my Sunday! (on a sidenote, and a bit of a confession, recently, I’ve started reading cozy mysteries. Yes… One of my friends has told me it’s a great stress reliever. It’s easy it’s comfortable and sadly, she’s right. I’ve recently discovered the series by Joanne Fluke, that yes, are now made into Hallmark movies, the Hannah Swensen murder mysteries. And yes, now I feel l as a reader of those books I really ought to make the time to watch a few of the movies. I think I’m going to need to plan on some serious alcohol…)
Cathi, I like your cozy mystery reading description as “de-stressing.” I’ve only read Jane Cleland’s Josie Prescott antique mysteries but I’ll have to try some others. I don’t think I’ve ever watched a hallmark Christmas movie. After Karen’s review, I don’t plan to start.
Thanks Cathi! That's what Hallmark movies used to be. The good ones. Just a cozy good time. Now they're ... well "Dad keeps snacks on the tackle box". ~ karen!
But the tackle box was there for a reason and had to be in the story line.
The grumpy teenager runs away from it all and right to the boat where the keys to the boat are conveniently hidden in the snackle box. He starts the boat up and escapes all the angst between his mom and her love interest until the motor runs out of gas.
Of course panic sets in back in the village and a search begins once the young girl tells them about the visit to the boat.
He uses morse code (also introduced as part of the movie plot) to signal the love interest boyfriend and is rescued. Don't hate me, I have to watch fluff!
“Grumpy teenager”? Think you missed an adjective…. “stupid”. Crikey I woulda let him paddle back. I’ve never made it all the way through a Hallmark movie due to trips to the bathroom 🤢
Then there should have been a more logical thing for them to pull out of the tackle box! Like a flashlight or a bottle opener or rolling papers. Not food. ~ karen!
Thank you for "snackle box". It made me laugh very hard and now I think I need to create one. Just for snacks of course ;-)
Best. Christmas. Post. Yet.