Then I thought, yoga! Maybe Yoga.
If I don't have the aptitude to cut the 5 pounds of back fat out of my body, maybe I could yoga it off. In the olden days I would have preferred something like kick boxing or even just kicking, but now that I'm older and more mature, and lazier, I'm looking for a way to incorporate relaxation into my exercise regime.
But some people who do Yoga look like they need to lay off the cream puffs themselves, so maybe Yoga won't work for getting rid of the water wings I have floating just above my waist band.
If my goal was to be very bendy and own a lot of good quality stretchy pants then Yoga would be my go-to exercise, but I wanted a good workout. One that would make me feel strong, and fit and energized. And better than everyone else who wasn't wearing a purple Lululemon jacket with holes in it for my thumbs to stick through, while I browsed the snack aisle of the grocery store.
Then I remembered my niece. She's what you'd call crazy. And exercise obsessed. She likes it. She genuinely likes working out or running until she stinks like ammonia. She recently tried Bikram Yoga and claimed to hate it. She hated it with a fierceness normally reserved for people who club baby seals.
She hated Bikram yoga so much she loved it.
Bikram Yoga is a form of intense hot yoga. Some describe it as militant. All classes are 90 minutes with the exact same poses in the same order every class.
Moksha Yoga, on the other hand, is also hot yoga, but there are a variety of levels, intensities and class lengths. They sometimes even have live music! Seems way more civilized.
Which is why both the fella and my niece preferred the thought of Bikram Yoga.
Here's what happened. A couple of months ago, the fella asked me if I'd try out Bikram Yoga with him. Sure. Shit. Why not? Let's ask my niece too. She's always wanted to go. She's available. GREAT! Done. We're all going to Bikram Yoga.
Only the day of the Bikram class I got one of my very famous migraines. So I thought standing on my head, or whatever goes on in Yoga class, would be stupid.
So I had to cancel yoga, and the fella being a gentleman agreed to cancel with me until I was feeling better. Also, I told him he wasn't allowed to go without me.
But my niece. My niece has 3 kids and works so she doesn't get a lot of opportunity to get out of the house unless it's to go to hockey practice, parent teacher meetings or the emergency room.
So, my niece went to Bikram Yoga. And here is how it went down ...
(transcribed from a series of text messages and phone calls)
Dear Moksha Yoga. Which days do you have live folk music again?
→Follow me on Instagram where I often make a fool of myself←
I agree with you Karen! NO thanks...that sounds like HELL. I HATE exercise but I know that I "HAVE TO" do it or those water wings you talk about? Well you get the idea! I do the cheapest easiest thing known to man and have done it for years! I have to fake myself out when I exercise so that I forget I am even doing it!
Gazelle (you can get them at Sears for about $199.00) I put a movie in that I know I will like and wear my ht rate monitor and make sure I keep my ht rate where it needs to be and for 45 minutes I gazelle away! Easy peasy! I also eat clean and lots of veggies....stay away from excess sugar and I'm good to go. Looks to me like you eat pretty clean if I look at your weekly menu. :)
If I start eating badly again (I LOVES the foodies) then those dang water wings return immediately!! This only started happening to me after I was mid forties! Before that I could eat like a truck driver and never gain an ounce! sucks now! LOL
Oh snap. Okay. Good to know! I have joint issues, and apparently yoga is really good for it, so I was all "oooh, hot yoga. It's winter, that'll be awesome." And now I'm like, definitely NOT going to do that. But I will look into that Mischa Barton kind that everyone is talking about. Sounds like fun!
I like brussel sprouts, but I don't like weird meat or fish or seafood. Everyone's always like "oh, Patti, this lamb is delicious. you should try it!" And I tell them that I am too old for peer pressure.
I made the mistake of reading this while I was eating and almost choked on my lunch, I laughed so hard!
I have done Bikram yoga for 4 years and I LOVE it even though after the first class, I thought I would literally die. I am not very competitive, nor am I a masochist or very athletic but it clicked with me. I am 59 and am in the best shape I have ever been in and I wasn't too shabby back in my distant 20's.
It is not for everyone but it is great for those of us who stick with it. It is extremely important to be well hydrated before the class. I now practice without water during class.
For another very funny account of someone's first Bikram class google: "yoga mat for sale Craigslist".
I think The Fella would really like it!
Thank you, Karen for all the laughs and vicarious adventures.
I too love yoga, but HATE hot yoga. I have learned to like Zumba where I can dance around and look like a fool while I sweat...and wouldn't you love to see the fella do THAT class???
Thank god (or someone else) for your posts they are much needed to survive january.
Thanks Mila. That's a fun comment to get. ~ karen!
I LOL'd. I also peed a little.
If anybody wants to save some money on Bikram, just come do it in my backyard. In the summertime. In Phoenix. When Maricopa County issues a health advisory warning against outdoor activities. While I sit in my air-conditioned house and watch with a shaker of Geminis.
http://www.marthastewart.com/328020/the-gemini
"And not a single Brussel Sprout was eaten that day."
Geez , thanks Karen. My kids gave me 10 lessons of bikram yoga for Xmas. Now I'm vomiting just thinking about it.
Right with you Dana. Nearly died. Haven't laughed so hard in freakin' forever. Never been to Phoenix, but I can agree, Bikram is best performed in the backyard during a Texas (or Arizona) summertime. When the heat index is deadly. Then you'll get the full effect. Required equipment: one of those backpacks with a gallon of water in it & a straw taped to your face. And a partner to watch, spot, & drink Irish coffee bombs (with a goodly shot of Jameson's or Tullamore Dew) and make sure you get a refill the moment you're out of water. I'd be happy to be a gopher, as long as I can sit in comfort on the computer in the AIR CONDITIONED inside.
OMG!!!!! That is EXACTLY how I felt about Hot Yoga!!!! Hated every second of it. I almost did pass out. Really. I had to lie down for the last half of it. And the best part? Looking a the massive puddle of sweat under and around the guy in front of me. Yuk.
I don't know a thing about these different yoga's..I thought yoga was yoga..Definitely does not sound like fun to me..Knowing what I do about the Fella I bet he could do it!!
Laughed out loud a bunch of times, and that was before I even made it to the transcript of texts and calls.
Similarly, this is worth a read (I lol'd at this too!):
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2597736393.html
OMG Sue..That is hilarious!!!
Sue, THANK YOU for posting the Craigslist link. I've had the "non-flu" flu for almost 2 weeks now, and I can't tell you how good it felt to laugh like that again! Of course, it also made me cough non-stop for about 5 minutes, but totally worth it.
Karen, you've done good.
Your a baby Karen, just go do the Bikram. LOL!
http://www.dawnajonesdesign.com/
Dawna - As if. That kind of goading may have worked on me in grade 3, but not anymore. You can suck it. I'm not doing Bikram and I'm not eating Brussels sprouts. ~ karen
LOL As my dad always said when we wanted to do something and he didn't: "Let's not and say we did."
You're opening a can of worms doing a post on hot yoga btw. Consider the moksha. Different studios and even instructors at the studios have different preferences for the thermostat, so hard to generalize about how much hell you'll go through, but best bet is to ask up front how hot they make it. 40C is probably too hot for you. And your niece. On a side note, she shouldn't have got the chills, but it does sound like she actually got hypothermia. Likely a consequence of cotton clothing and too much sweating. WHich is why hypothermia occurs more on a nice day than a cold day, improper clothing. She shouldn't have had that reaction post-yoga. That said, not everyone can handle the heat in the midst of the class, but still, the reaction post-yoga was not normal. Trust me, I taught hot yoga (not that hot, just a little).
Jackie - I don't know. From the myriad of people I've spoken to, her reaction was completely normal. And Bikram yoga is very strict about their temperature and humidity. There's no variation on that. I had the same reaction from Crossfit so it how Bikram made her feel doesn't surprise me in the least. ~ karen!
Haha, I can see your stance is unwavering. Bikram is strict, no doubt. I was referring to Moksha. We have about 5 studios in Calgary that are hot. really depends on the studio and the instructor, even within a franchised Moksha studio. My friend owns 3 of 'em here and I can attest to their quality being better than Bikram. (quality=less puking in class. Seriously, it's just a mess to clean up!). Have you tried brussel sprouts with maple syru-oh nevermind!!
Karen,
This was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. And it effectively talked me out of trying Bikram yoga. It sounds as torturous as some of those runs where you run through fire. No thanks. But thanks for the good laugh!!
Jenna - My boyfriend. The one who wanted to do Bikram Yoga. He's done that run through fire run. https://www.theartofdoingstuff.com/tough-mudder-torontoa-lesson-in-business/ Tough Mudder. ~ karen!
Wow. Just read that post. Your poor foot!! Thank you for warning me that viewer discretion was advised before looking at the picture!
Btw, what was the first most painful event? Because the electric shock thing sounds awful.
Almost as awful as a disgustingly muddy foot.
Jenna - I know. My foot was the worst. I didn't get the sympathy for it that I thought I should have. The worst according to the fella was #1 electric shock at the end of the race. And #2 jumping into ice water. ~ karen!
the first time i tried bikram i wondered why anyone would want to torture themselves like that. but.. i ended up hooked. i practiced for a little over a year and had never been in better shape. have you tried vinyasa yoga?
I want to befriend your niece. We could try waterboarding together as a next experience.
I tried it twice but only because it was a 2 for 1 special. I hated it!! The smell in the room is nauseating alone. Can you imagine the mold that must be growing in there?
Tearing coming down my face *laughing hysterically*. Too funny !
I so needed this laugh this morning after nearly not sending, then sending my kids to school kicking and screaming when the teacher's strike didn't happen. I need an Irish Coffee. I'm signed up for CANDLELIGHT RESTORATIVE YOGA tonight at 8pm, determined not to puke, fart, or do anything other than revel in my inner tranquility...no Bikram for this chick.
Thanks as always for the morning laughter. I have never had any desire to try yoga, and this confirms why. Mud runs where you get chased by zombies are a different story - way more fun.
Bikram is the worst! I held out for most of the class, then bailed on it once throwing up felt like a very real possibility. While I did feel great on the way home (probably just relief), I developed the worst migraine of my entire life that night. Calories be damned!
Karen,
I totally agree with you-- my life is complete without Bikram yoga, Brussels Sprouts, and water boarding.
I believe that the best exercise is that you will continue to do, so it should be something you enjoy, or at least something you don't hate. Bikram yoga does not come close to fitting that bill.
Bonnie