Sometimes I go through my posts and come across one that even makes me laugh. This is one such post. I also thought it would be a good way to introduce some of my newer followers to what I went through 8 years ago. Spoiler alert: it was a breakup. Double spoiler alert: I've never been happier and if you're going through a breakup, believe it or not, you have incredible happiness to look forward to.
originally published in 2013, 3 months after the very sudden end of a 10 year relationship
Idris Elba
Age: 40
Occupation: Actor
Dear Idris,
I don't know if you've heard or not, you probably have, but the fella and I have broken up.
So I figure now is the perfect time for you and I to pursue our relationship further (beyond me watching you on The Wire and thinking ... yeah ... I could probably have a really good relationship with a mid level drug dealer).
I appreciate the fact that you look manlier than I do. That's kind of a prerequisite. Even a feminist gal likes to feel like the gal. And since I'm often covered in dirt and wielding a power tool someone like Justin Bieber, for instance, just wouldn't do. Also he's too young. Also I just couldn't be with someone who, according to past photos, kept losing his shirt until about the age of 24. How upset little Justin must have been that he kept losing his shirts. If I were him I'd have questioned my laundry service.
Johnny Depp was on the list for a while because he's a bit of a weirdo and that appeals to me, but he's prettier than I am so that's no good.
Gordon Ramsay was also on the list because he's manly but he can also cook. Plus he makes a decent living. Then I realized I'd never be able to cook anything for him, for fear of being called a f*cking donkey and having all my pots thrown at my head. Also I have no idea how to make Beef Wellington.
So Idris, it looks like you're it. You're handsome and manly and you have a good sense of humour. I actually have no idea about your sense of humour but I'm going with the fact that you have a wildly terrific sense of humour. You crack me up. Heh. We'll be so happy together. I've heard rumours you might be the next James Bond so then I can call you James, which will be a blessing, because I'm not entirely sure of how to pronounce your name. First or last.
I know this would be a long distance relationship, what with you living somewhere else. Where is it you live? I think it might be England. I've always wanted to visit England! The Union Jack is my favourite flag. We can go for curries and visit the English countryside. We will walk dogs. You will smoke a pipe and I will acquire an English accent by day 3 of my visit just like Madonna did. We will have such fun walking along stone walls and picking daisies. If you have time. You're probably busy. I bet you don't visit the countryside at all. It's always work, work, work with you.
Oh yes, I'm sure my moving to England would make things a lot easier for you. Well you can forget that Mr. Controlling. Do you have any idea how small the bags of chips are there compared to here? And by chips I mean CHIPS not french fries. See? There's that too. Oh God. There's going to be such a language barrier between us.
There is the redeeming fact that chickens outnumber humans in England, but it just isn't enough to put up with your nonsense.
And just so you know, having a British accent doesn't automatically make you charming. You wanna know what's charming? YOU deciding what to have for dinner one night for a change. You don't even have to MAKE IT. Just come up with the idea. THAT'S CHARMING.
And you can think again if you assume I'm picking out your mother's Christmas present. It's your family and YOU can deal with picking out and buying their presents. She's not MY mother!!! I have enough family members of my own to buy for let alone having to remember to buy your niece a grade 8 graduation present.
It's always me, me, ME doing everything. It's exhausting. You really should be a bit more considerate of my time and feelings. No, I'm not a big time movie star like you, but you know what? I HAVE CHICKENS. YOU THINK CHICKENS RAISE THEMSELVES? Plus I have a certain schedule I like to adhere to when it comes to eating and television watching and I can just tell you're not going to be the least bit accommodating. Because you're selfish.
And I'm not entirely positive, but I think you probably snore. You look like a snorer. A loud one. Do you have any idea how nice it is to have an entire bed to yourself with nothing sweating, farting or snoring beside you? Well I do, and let me tell you it's NICE. You're such a jackass. You really are starting to bug me.
You think I don't have my own life to live? Well I'm putting a stop to this right now. You've become way too demanding over the past few daydreams. I installed my own central vac. I'm independent. And handy. Plus I know how to spell most of my name in sign language. I'm a catch. You need me more than I need you. In fact without me you'll probably move back in with your mother. So needy.
And I'm sick of it. You're suffocating me here. Honestly. Just back OFF.
We gave it a good try but this just isn't going to work out.
Sincerely,
p.s. Do you have Daniel Craig's email address? Thanks in advance.
→Follow me on Instagram where I often make a fool of myself←
Adam L Bond
I dont snore. :)
Linda in Illinois
I am literally laughing out loud... bravo Karen.. you are so delightful..
Chris
Just came across your work, conclusion. you are as nutty as a fruit cake. Wish there were more people like you in this world.
Maria
This is amazingly good!!! I can't stop laughing!!! Love your writing and charm, I should make this letter into a huge poster as a reminder that we can indeed pull ourselves up from the deeps of despair because we are worth it! Thanks for sharing so honestly :)
Maria Luisa
I think you are the funniest person in earth!!!
I love what you write!!!
My boss introduced me to your blog and I think it is great!!, keep up the great work.
Greetings
Maria Luisa
Alicia
You tell him sister!
Being single after two 4 year relationships back to back was the best thing that ever happened to me. Hang in there.
And goddamnit you ARE a catch.
The fella is a damn fool.
Lizmo
I'm just going to leave this here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMJUbZrNnA8
Karen
Oh boy. OH BOY. ~ karen!
Kim from 3 peanuts
You are so so so funny. I kept laughing and my son kept asking me what I was laughing at. Laughter is the best medicine. You were funny before but I think you're even funnier sans fella.
Deb
Well, I was gone for the first week you were back. Although I missed the first week of posts, I am getting to read all of them at once. Welcome home. You were missed.
West Coast Nan
Missed you, thanks for kicking Idris to the curb, what was he thinking, messing with your mojo? You are better than that.
Anne
At last!!! So glad you are back. I missed your wit and see that it is in fine form once again.
Francene
Oh my...I just stumbled upon your blog. The fire pit instructions is what got me here; your open letter to Idris Elba is what will keep me coming back. Toooo funny and just the laugh I needed to get started on this rainy, soggy Saturday morning. And, since you have kicked Idris to the curb, I shall do my one good deed for mankind today by finding him and helping him overcome his break-up with you. I have the just the cure for what ails him: homemade blueberry muffins. (If he is counting carbs, does the Paleo diet or is gluten free then he can watch me enjoy his muffin and mine---I'm nice like that!) But the first time he farts, we are done....
Happy Saturday,
Francene
Karen
Welcome to my blog Francene! You caught me at a bit of an unusual time (right after the breakup of an 11 year relationship). You may find I swear more often during the next few months than most people consider appropriate. ;) ~ karen!
joanna
sheeeeees back! :-)
Sue Hawkings
go for IT ;)
Natika
I came back from vacation to find you're back too! So happy!
Sharon
good to have you sistah! thanks for the laugh!
Sara @ Tried & Twisted
Hooray! You're back!
Good choice with Daniel Craig! Benedict Cumberbatch might be more of my choice for English flirt, but he's a bit skinnier than your average hunk. But I like the skinny ones.
theresa
I heard that Idris was up for Dr Who but it went to that other guy--Peter something Italian who is Scottish.
Glad your back and have the ooomp to keep blogging 'cause I enjoy your site so much I tell all my friends about it!!
Karen
Thanks Theresa. Keep tellin' em. Tell every person you know. I have way more stuff to pay for now, LOL. ~ karen!
Patti
Love this post, had me laughing out loud! So glad you're back! And this guy is too handsome as my mother would say, surely nothing but trouble.
Stan Nowak
Hi Karen, my name is Stan and I live down the street from you just past the Museum. My wife is a big fan of this site, so I've started reading it too and I'm loving every minute of it (except about you and the fella, of course)! if you want to see Idris Elba in another show, try 'Luther' a BBC police detective series. Best! Cop! Show! Ever!!
Hope you're at the cactus Parade tomorrow - I'll be one of the guys collecting 'Toonies for Tunes', so bring some $$$!
Karen
Hi Stan! I've seen Luther and LOVE it. Great show. I had trouble deciphering the accents at first but caught on fairly quickly. :) Just finished watching the last episode of the final season. ~ karen!