1/6/2019 Self-Appreciation: The Flip Side of Self-Compassion - Neff
Why Women Need Fierce Self-Compassion: An Essay by Kristin Neff
Amazon Bestseller and #1 New Release in Social Work
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer: The seeds of
self-compassion already lie within you—this workbook will help you uncover this inner
resource and transform your life. Learn more from Kristin.
SELF-COMPASSION
Dr. Kristin Neff
HOME ABOUT WORKSHOPS/EVENTS RESEARCH PRACTICES
RESOURCES CONTACT
Self-Appreciation: The Flip Side of Self-
Compassion
ometimes it’s more dif cult to see what’s right about ourselves than what’s wrong.
For some of us even thinking about our positive traits makes us uncomfortable.
Praise and compliments can make us squirm, and we often don’t know how to
respond without self-consciousness. Flattery feels a lot better than insults, of course,
but how many of us really take the praise in? Own it. Delight in it. For a whole host of
reasons it’s often trickier than you might think to feel positively about ourselves;
most of these stem from fear.
https://self-compassion.org/self-appreciation-the-flip-side-of-self-compassion/ 1/4
1/6/2019 Self-Appreciation: The Flip Side of Self-Compassion - Neff
S One fear involves setting up overly-
high expectations. Underplaying
our good points means that we’re
more likely to pleasantly surprise others by
doing well rather than disappoint them by
doing poorly. We’re also afraid of letting go
of the devil we know. If we’re in the habit
of cutting ourselves down, recognition of
our positive qualities will feel alien to us.
Another fear is the perception of being
vain. Nobody likes a narcissist — except the narcissist.
So how do we celebrate our admirable qualities in a healthy way? I believe the
answer is self-compassion, which involves treating ourselves with kindness, a sense
of common humanity, and mindfulness when considering our perceived inadequacies
— though in a different guise. I like to call it “self-appreciation.” When we can enjoy
what’s good about ourselves, acknowledging that all people have strengths as well as
weaknesses, we allow ourselves to revel in our goodness without evoking feelings of
arrogance or overcon dence.
Let’s rst consider kindness as it applies to self-appreciation. Would you take your
friends’ good qualities for granted without ever acknowledging them or letting your
friends know what you like about them? Probably not, yet many of us do so to
ourselves. It’s a great gift of self-kindness to appreciate ourselves and to
demonstrate our approval with sincere praise. We don’t have to speak this praise
aloud, making ourselves and others uncomfortable in the process. But we can quietly
give ourselves the inner acknowledgement we deserve.
The sense of common humanity inherent to self-appreciation means that we
appreciate ourselves not because we’re better than others, but because all people
have goodness in them. To appreciate others’ goodness while ignoring our own
creates a false division between us and them. But as a distinctive expression of the
https://self-compassion.org/self-appreciation-the-flip-side-of-self-compassion/ 2/4
1/6/2019 Self-Appreciation: The Flip Side of Self-Compassion - Neff
universal human condition that animates all our experience, we honor everything
when we honor ourselves. As the Zen master Thich Nhat Hahn writes, “You are a
wonderful manifestation. The whole universe has come together to make your
existence possible.” Celebrating our achievements is no more self-centered than
having compassion for our failings. We can’t really claim personal responsibility for
our gifts and talents. They were born from our ancestral gene pool, the love and
nurturing of our parents, the generosity of friends, the guidance of teachers, and the
wisdom of our collective culture. Appreciation for our good qualities, then, is really
an expression of gratitude for all who have shaped us as individuals. Self-
appreciation humbly honors those who have helped us become the person we are
today.
Self-appreciation also entails mindfulness. Just as we need to notice others’ good
qualities in order to appreciate them, we need to consciously acknowledge our own
positive features. However, we’re often so focused on our mistakes and aws that we
don’t even see when we get things right. What do you notice most when you get a
work evaluation, the nine points of praise or the one point of criticism? Some may be
concerned that if we focus too much on what’s right about ourselves we’ll ignore
much needed areas of growth. This is true only if our focus is, in fact, “too much.” If
we take a lopsided view of ourselves — “I am perfect and have no weaknesses
whatsoever” — that would certainly be a problem. But the truth is that every human
being has both positive and negative traits. Rather than running away with an
exaggerated storyline about either, good or bad, we instead need to honor and
accept ourselves as we authentically are. No better and no worse. The key is having
balance and perspective so that we can see ourselves without distortion.
William James, one of the founding fathers of Western psychology, once wrote that
“the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” Luckily, we
can meet this essential need without depending on other people to approve of us.
When we treat ourselves with the same kindness with which we treat our good
friends, we’ll have the support and care required to help us thrive.
https://self-compassion.org/self-appreciation-the-flip-side-of-self-compassion/ 3/4
1/6/2019 Self-Appreciation: The Flip Side of Self-Compassion - Neff
Share the good word.
6
« »
CONVERTKIT FORM
First Name Email Address SUBSCRIBE
COPYRIGHT © 2019 · SELF-COMPASSION, KRISTIN NEFF. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. · LOG IN
Kristin Neff is Co-Founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.
https://self-compassion.org/self-appreciation-the-flip-side-of-self-compassion/ 4/4
