ITS NOT WHAT YOU SAY BUT HOW YOU SAY IT

BIBLE READINGS

PROVERBS 15 v1: A soft answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger. BLUE LETTER BIBLE

PROVERBS 15V1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up
anger. NIV

JAMES 3V 1-12 “TAMING THE TONGUE”

IS YOUR TONE RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER

Couples argue about a whole lot of things for example;

 cleanliness
 punctuality
 not feeling loved
 not feeling cared about
 not feeling respected or acknowledged
 sex & intimacy
 child-rearing
 fairness
 in-laws
 responsibilities & chores
 & other subjects

Partners have legitimate differences in the areas. But, it is ‘THE WAY WE’RE
TALKING’ and the tone of our voice that really getting under people’s skin. Someone
listening might think your partner or you was talking to a child, an employee or any street
person from his or her tone of voice. That is why many problems remain unresolved or they
escalate from small to big issues.

A. CONVERSATION DESTROYERS

When it comes to assessing the meaning of communication in relationships, only 7% of that

meaning comes from the spoken word, while 38% comes from the tone of voice in
communication.

Words that may seem neutral can become provoking if spoken with a tone of voice that conveys
disgust, disrespect, contempt, rejection, dismissal, indifference, sarcastic, demeaning or
contemptuous, causing the listener to feel hurt and disrespected. Most negative tones are
encompassed in the following four most harmful tones or ways.
 Criticism: negative statements or comments about your spouse's character or
personality.
 Defensiveness: a means of blaming your partner that implies "the problem isn't
me, it's you."
 Contempt: a form of sarcasm and cynicism involving name-calling, eye-
rolling, mockery and hostile humor that conveys disgust.
 Stonewalling: tuning out of a conversation by turning away, leaving or acting
as though one could care less about what someone else is saying.

If You want your listener to focus on your words, not be distracted by your demeanor. Then
You need to learn how to watch your tone – and use it to get what you want. E.g a soft tone
of voice is often interpreted as lack of confidence – but too loud, and you’ll be seen as
aggressive

No matter what kind of relationship it is, your tone of voice when communicating can
change the atmosphere of the room. Whether it's in conflict or a normal conversation,
your tone can be helpful or it can be hurtful.

How you speak, and what you and your partner say to each other, greatly impacts your
emotions and relationship quality. In support of this statement, another recent study found
that couples who show appreciation for each other by saying “please” and “thank you” had
the happiest marriages. Even small, infrequent signs of gratitude helped keep partners feeling
connected, better prepared to survive rough times, and avoid divorce.

Think about it: A comment directed to you in a sarcastic or critical tone comes across as a
negative blow, right? Yet hearing the same words, delivered in a kind and loving tone, has an
entirely different and upbeat feel, doesn’t it? The big communication difference lies in the
tone of voice we choose when we communicate with others.

B. WHAT YOUR TONE IS SAYING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1.If you speak to your partner with a dull and flat tone but speak to another person of the
opposite gender with a warm and suggestive tone then your partner will start to feel jealous or
think something fishy is going on.

2. You might be saying something good but ruin it with the wrong tone. It is not just about
what you say but how you say it.

3. When you react with a judgmental tone when your partner is confiding in you, your partner
will start to keep things from you and share less sensitive matters.
4. When you react with a sarcastic tone when your partner shares with you his/her success or
suggestion, your partner will stop making suggestions and not bother informing you of
his/her progress.

5. When you correct your partner with an attacking tone, your partner will become defensive.
But when you do so with a loving and respectful tone, your partner will accept correction
easily.

6. When it comes to love making, your tone can either turn your spouse on or off.

7. When you speak to your children with a threatening and harsh tone even when you think
you are disciplining, your child will begin to avoid your presence and keep things from you.
A welcoming tone makes your child run to you, seeking your advice easily, and consuming
your wisdom feeling understood. Many parents push their children away just by their tone.

8. If you speak with the tone of a dictator to get your spouse to do what you want either
because you are the husband who is the head of the family or you are the wife who earns
more than the husband then you are killing the warmth in your marriage. Once you lose the
warmth it is difficult to get it back.

9. If your tone at home is cold then your spouse will not look forward to coming home to
you.

10. The more you use the words "stupid-pfutsek", "imbwa iwe", "haiwawo", “F-word”, the
harsher your tone becomes. Learn to make your speech well-seasoned, avoid curse words,
stop emulating celebrities who get paid to look bad and your tone will be warmer.

11. People who shout and try to sound intimidating tend to think they have power but actually
they come off as unstable, scared and struggling with issues. But those who speak with a
peaceful and gentle tone come off as powerful and stable and have more power because they
attract influence and admiration; not fear.

12. When you speak to your boss or pastor, most often you are mindful of your tone. Be
mindful of your tone when you speak to your spouse and children for they are more important
than your boss.

13. We pick tones from our surroundings. If you find your tone has become distasteful, rude
and harsh, check the tone of your friends. If you find your child speaking with a negative
tone, check your tone... Maybe your child is learning from you.

14. If you don't heal from your past pain then you will communicate hurt and pain through
your tone thus becoming easily irritable, harsh and mean chasing people away, making you
hurt even more.

15. The more you become considerate of your partner's feelings the more you will work on
your tone delivery to communicate love.
C. HENCE YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU SAY BUT
YOU NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL HOW YOU SAY.

SO HOW DO WE HELP OUR TONES OR MONITOR OUR TONES?

1. Be pleasant- TARAMBA VANA HANDITYISWE

 A wise person knows when he needs to give advice and when he needs to stay calm
and silent,
 a wise person understands the situation and then put forward his opinion calmly and
pleasantly,
 if you sound offensive other people for sure become defensive, hence be pleasant with
your words and have a proper choice of words.

2. Don’t be harsh with truth- HATIDI ANA MAFIRA KUREVA

 Don’t beat a person by truth, try to put forward truth with polite and gentle way,
 try to speak with lot of affection,
 try to say the truth in loving way,
 don’t say things for your benefit, say things for their benefit,
 try to speak as plainly as you can with lot of affection and love, here you don’t need
to sound diplomatic or sarcastic you need to speak slowly calmly and genuinely,
 you need to keep smile on your face and that smile should be genuine, not fake, and it
shouldn’t be like you are making fun, smile should be like you care for the other
person hence you are saying it for their betterment.

3. Take care of tone and intensity- TARAMBA VANOZVIITA maMC PESE PESE.
 Many times I have noticed people say right things and they don’t even use harsh
words but still people take them negatively and avoid talking to them, and reason for
such misunderstanding is their tone and their pitch, they become loud, their body
language become aggressive, and thus even after saying right thing with proper words
people misunderstand them, hence you need to be very calm and composed,
 whenever you want to put forward your opinion or suggestion be silent and talk
softly,
 at first listen everyone attentively without interrupting them in between and ones they
finish saying their view then talk to them softly by saying they yes you understand
their point but still you views differ from them and then say out your reasons calmly
smoothly.

4. Be careful with the time –RAMBA KUVA CHERO ZVAZVAITA

 Before confronting or before putting forward your opinions or suggestions you need
to be careful about time, like you need to understand that is it the right time to
confront, or you should wait,
 is it the right time to put forward your suggestion or should wait, is the person in the
mood to face the reality, if person is already stressed then sharing views can’t be a
good idea, hence you need to wait for the right time and before saying anything need
to ask the other person gently “ IS IT THE RIGHT TIME TO TALK.”
 And if they feel like hearing then they will for sure ask you to speak. Hence always
understand the situation and understand whether it’s a right time to talk or not and
then confront.

5. The WHAT, The words you say can set pace of tone – TARAMBA PFOCHO
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK:

 the WORDS you choose to use;

 the PHRASING of the words you choose;
 the FRAMING of the words or content; and
 the POSITIONING of the words or content.

YOU CAN ALSO BE HELPED TO MIND YOUR TONGUE BY THE FOLLOWING:

Lower Your Voice: Try to reduce the register of your normal speaking voice. Seriously.
Talk in a deeper voice. This will prevent from sounding shrill, which can put your spouse on
edge.
Relax: When you get upset or are under stress, your body tenses up. This can lead to your
voice sounding agitated or strained. Relax.
Slow Down: Try slowing down when talking. This will give the listener time to understand
what you’re trying to tell them. Another risk of speaking too quickly is that you aren’t giving
yourself enough time to think about what you sound like while you’re talking. Speaking
slowly gives you time to choose your words, as well as remember the other keys to speaking
with a positive tone of voice.
Compliment: build –don’t break, love – don’t hate, use compliments where possible
Agenda: notify or forewarn your partner if there is as issue to discuss that way you come to
the discussion on level ground and prepared.
Know the office you are addressing: partner, kids, employee, friend

THANK YOU. MAZVITA. DANKIE