My Grandniece Was Thrown Out of Her House for Being Gay. What Can I Do?

My husband and I have been together for 35 years. At first, his large family was open to us as a same-sex couple. But as they became more involved with an extreme religious group, we felt less welcome in their homes. Eventually, we cut ties with many of them. One of our nieces with whom we remain close told us that our 16-year-old grandniece recently came out as gay. She was asked to leave home by her mother. She moved in with her father (her mother’s ex-husband), but she is still dealing with recriminations from the family. We want to support her, and we think we could help her navigate the coming-out process. The problem: The girl has no idea we exist; apparently, we were written out of the family story. We know her family would not want us to be involved, and we would hate to cause trouble for the niece who told us. Should we reach out to the girl or wait until she is an adult at 18?

UNCLE

Call your grandniece now! She is a young person who was rejected by her mother: If she needs support, she needs it today — not in two years’ time. As for your involvement, who cares about the reaction of adults who would throw a child out of her home? And there’s no reason to tell anyone the source of your information. Now, your grandniece may be wary of two uncles she’s never met. But that’s a risk worth taking in the face of her mother’s cruelty.

Call or write your grandniece at her father’s house. Share your story with her and let her know she can confirm it with her aunt. Invite her to a meal or a coffee or a walk in the park — whatever she’s comfortable with. I expect she will welcome the invitation, but she may not be ready for it yet, so don’t be upset if she needs some time to process.

One of the great strokes of good fortune in my life has been having an uncle who modeled a loving gay relationship for me since childhood. And when I was your grandniece’s age, he became a steady source of emotional support, too. I wish the same for your grandniece. Get back in touch if you need help, OK?

Can’t I Just Swab a Deck or Something?

I have a couple of friends who own boats. They often invite a dozen or so friends to spend the day on the water. They typically ask us to pitch in $10 or $15 toward the slip, gas and other associated costs. One owner did some renovations recently and upped the suggested contribution to $25. I’ve always felt uncomfortable being asked to subsidize the cost of boats. You can count on me to bring plenty of snacks and stay afterward to help clean up, but this price increase rubs me the wrong way. Doesn’t it seem excessive?