Shouts & Murmurs
Expiration Dates According to My Mom
All cheese is expired. This one’s just becoming “bleu” around the edges.
I’m Not Afraid of Conflict
Whenever a colleague is unkind or unfair, I let them know . . . that, unfortunately, I’ve just noticed the time and I’d better leave immediately so that I won’t miss my bus.
Protest or Principle: Withholding Sex from My Wife
I vow to go without sex to prove that I am in support of what my wife is in support of, politically, and also in terms of not wanting to have sex with me that much.
The Electable Female Candidate: Part 2
She gets every cultural reference, from brat to Brat Pack, from simp to “The Simpsons,” from skibidi to yabba dabba doo.
Description of a Guy in a Fantasy Romance Novel
In his human form, Algor resembled a mix of George Clooney, Tom Cruise, and a Boeing 747. In his magical form, Algor resembled a demon rhinoceros with wings.
This Election Just Proves What I Already Believed
The list of issues I was right about goes on and on. Guns? Kamala Harris owns too many, but also not enough.
Our Driverless Cars Are More Human Than Ever
Our alert system automatically blares a train horn if the vehicle ahead of you fails to speed off within 0.28 seconds of the traffic light turning green. That’ll keep traffic moving!
Career Fair, Class of 2028
Become an A.I. operator. The work is dull, but you’ll make enough money for rations and to live in a pipe in Williamsburg with twenty other people.
January 6, 2025
The Capitol is breached. Security cameras catch Senator Josh Hawley running in fear from a passel of L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.+ activists attempting to garland him in Pride bunting.
What’s Your Parenting-Failure Style?
Like to watch TikToks while your toddler eats a bagel from the subway floor? Take this quiz to determine how bad a mom or dad you really are.