Popeyes Sandwich Return Confirms America Is on the Brink

A chicken sandwich. Photo: Nick Kindelsperger/Chicago Tribune/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

On Sunday, citizens of the United States gathered en masse, in cities around the country, to pay homage to the dying American empire. Fittingly, this was done not at church or at the public square, but at a fast-food chain or, more specifically, Popeyes, where they participated in the collective experience of waiting for hours for a fried-chicken sandwich. Popeyes announced the return of the sandwich, which was “sold out” at the end of August after it caused a feeding frenzy and some disgruntled, chickenless customers even threatened to assault overworked employees.

Others simply took videos of those who did — which, taken out of context, you might think are videos of people waiting in line for, like, dried goods after an attack on our electrical system or something. As the videos show, people waited in their cars for reportedly as long as a couple of hours to finally get a first (or another) taste of a fast-food chicken sandwich.

Between this, Heinz realizing it could trick people into buying premixed ketchup and ranch (“Kranch”), the Sbarro in Times Square closing, and Olive Garden trying to thin out the population with a “Lifetime Pasta Pass,” it must be said repeatedly and forcefully: America might be past the point of no return.