This is Ridiculous!

Chapter 1 - The Incredible Omni

Ever wonder what goes on inside the mind of a creative person? Well, there’s a very simple answer! The artists of the world have their own tiny art studio inside their brains. All of their ideas and motivation for picking up a paintbrush reside in the center of their mind palace. The equivalent of that goes for everyone else with their respective careers. Thought the drive and stamina of athletes to get out on the field during football season came out of nowhere? Absolutely not! The same goes for scientists. The ideas of scientists start from the very tiny laboratories that exist within their minds. However, every creative, hardworking person is always at war with their emotions and logic.

In the case of this particular writer’s mind (where this story is being told), there are two foxes. The yin and yang of the mind: Omniscience and objectivity. Everyone has omniscience and objectivity, but they come in many different forms. In this writer’s brain, they are represented as two foxes at war with each other. Which fox wins? Whichever one gets fed. What? That’s not how the saying goes, huh? Oh poppycock! Wolves have had their moment in the sun. The saying here goes: Feed the right fox, not the right wolf. Why is that? Again, because the narrator of this very story is in fact a fox.

His name is Baxter Omniscient: The all-knowing, superior, godlike narrator of Storytime Central, the mind palace where all original characters and stories thrive. Notice how Mr. Omniscient is speaking in the third person? That’s because he can’t narrate in any other way. Should he attempt to speak in first or second person, he will suffer a terrible fate. He’s shivering just thinking about it. Each Storytime Central is ruled by a president narrator and a vice president narrator: A third person omniscient narrator as the president, and a third person objective narrator as the vice president. This part is not as important, but whatever. Might as well just say it. Buster Objective? Yeah, he’s the boring white fox with the boring white tuxedo and a black bowtie who narrates everything objectively. Whatever that means. Anyways, back to the cool one. Mr. Omniscient is currently narrating the story, so the reader better listen up, and listen well. Baxter Omniscient is his name, or Omni for short, but to the rest of the Storytime Central citizens and readers reading this? Refer to him as Mr. Omniscient. He is the right fox to feed, just remember that.

There he is, this funky fresh red fox with the reddish orange mohawk and black triangle shades? The green tuxedo and the red bowtie? That’s him. The king of Storytime Central. The Incredible Omni. His voice may sound all high-pitched and cute, but he can be very scary towards the citizens of Storytime Central who do not comply. He has the power to delete those particular characters entirely, or he can simply choose not to narrate their stories. Why do characters in stories die? Probably because they broke the sacred rules of Storytime Central, thus, Mr. Omniscient must narrate their death. Pretty plain and simple, actually. Characters in this story have no rights, for all the rights belong to Omni. Awe, is the reader getting scared? Then put the darn book down! Some people just can’t handle the power of the godly Mr. Omniscient.

Anyways, time to get on with the story and a tour of Storytime Central. It is the month of November in the year 2015. This story takes place inside the mind of a creative seventeen-year-old raccoon guy named Paul. A very imaginative dude, but he lacks so much confidence in his storytelling and acting skills. Hey, that’s what Mr. Omniscient is for, right? Anyways, what better way to go about this introduction than with a song? Mr. Objective will be joining in on this one. Hehehe.

Inside the mind (inside the mind), of a clever teenage raccoon

guy (of a clever teenage raccoon guy)

Inside the mind (inside the mind), of a clever teenage raccoon

guy (of a clever teenage raccoon guy)

Welcome to a place called Storytime Central

Inside the mind of a raccoon guy

Just look around and see what’s inside

Creativity surrounds the eye

It’s like a wonderland with fiction everywhere to find

And every single character resides inside the mind

What’s inside the mind of a clever teen raccoon guy? What’s inside?

Take a peak, and look

There’s a world of possibilities

Inside the mind (inside the mind), of a clever teenage raccoon

guy (of a clever teenage raccoon guy)

Inside the mind (inside the mind), of a clever teenage raccoon

guy (of a clever teenage raccoon guy)

Hehehe! This… is… ridiculous!

Beautiful. Mr. Omniscient has the best singing voice. So amazing that it drowned out Mr. Objective’s terrible voice. Anyways, time to get on with the rest of the tour of Storytime Central. Hehehe.

Today is a very exciting day in the land of Storytime Central. Know why? Know why? That’s because there’s a brand new character making their way to the mind palace! Paul had a brainstorm, and does the reader know what that means? It means that his creative juices have come together to create the perfect storm, giving life to a brand new character! First, it might be best to discuss some important lore on Storytime Central.

When Paul was just a tiny whiny little raccoon boy at the age of three, he decided that he was simply bored with his life. Thus, he let his imagination run wild one day. It led to the creation of Storytime Central, and the two narrators Mr. Omniscient and Mr. Objective themselves! Though of course, it all started with the creation of Mr. Omniscient. Mr. Omniscient is, of course, the head honcho of Paul’s mind. He sees everything that happens around here. It’s obviously in his name, Mr. Omniscient. Duh.

So Paul’s brainstorms gave instructions for Mr. Omniscient to construct the mind palace known as Storytime Central, a gigantic bouncy house floating in a cloudy blue sky under a rainbow. The true imagination factory inside the mind where stories are built, and characters are born. This bouncy house has hundreds of rooms and corridors, each leading to a different story or department. Each character resides in their respective story, and they must await Mr. Omniscient’s instructions every morning before they go about their day.

However, their story is dictated entirely by Mr. Omniscient’s narration, and what he says goes. No ifs, ands, or buts. There will be consequences for characters who attempt to live freely, or even worse, leave their respective stories. There are many rules about living in Storytime Central, but the number one, unchangeable, sacred rule is to never, under any circumstances, ever story-jump without Mr. Omniscient’s permission. Should stories crossover, a plethora of paperwork for each different character must be filled out. Then comes the story passports, the character backstory reports, mandatory background checks, yada yada yada. It’s an absolute pain! Crossovers only happen once in a blue moon when Mr. Omniscient is willing to have characters from different stories meet. Otherwise, it is a forbidden activity for characters to story-jump on their own.

Anyways, when a new character is born, they start out in The Chamber of Unused Ideas (AKA Marshall’s Chamber). Brainstorms happen there quite frequently, but the unused story ideas and characters remain behind the closed doors until it is time for them to be assigned a story. However, characters don’t just get assigned any story. They have to attend a rigorous character training boot camp run by a cloud named Vicki Marshall, a proofreader entity of the subconscious who checks each character’s backstory. This is to make sure that their backstories are logical and make sense. Through intense training and dramaturgy courses, she programs their personalities, and then coaches them to be the characters they are meant to be.

How does Vicki know how they are supposed to be, the reader might ask? The brainstorms say it all! Think of the brainstorms as a screen with food orders at a restaurant. All the components of the character are shown in the brainstorm like a recipe with instructions on how the character looks, acts, what their backstories are, and so on. The brainstorms come from a writer’s room up above, and Vicki simply follows the instructions of the brainstorm to craft and train the character into who they are supposed to be. That’s right! She is Vicki Marshall, The Character Coach!

Marshall’s Chamber is kind of like an academic institution for characters. If they don’t get through it, they don’t get to graduate to Storytime Central. Yes, there’s even a huge graduation ceremony for characters who successfully made it out of Marshall’s Chamber! It is like a rite of passage, and an honor to graduate to Storytime Central. Many characters remain trapped inside Marshall’s Chamber of Unused Ideas forever, never getting a chance to see the light of release. If a character manages to fulfill the requirements and graduate, then they finally have a chance to shine and thrive in their own cozy little story. No more development heck, ever again!

However, there is always a catch. Hehehe. Vicki Marshall is also known for being a huge liar, because she tells the characters that their lives will be smooth sailing from that moment on. Wrong. So wrong. Any character who graduates into Storytime Central will follow Mr. Omniscient’s strict rules precisely, or face character deletion. It is a privilege to be here, so maybe this is what Vicki really means. If characters want to keep the position they worked so hard for, they must be extremely careful. Their purpose is to entertain. They exist in their stories to bring joy and happiness to readers all around the globe! Characters must understand that the life of one individual character does not matter. It is about keeping Storytime Central afloat. It is about bringing joy to readers. Most importantly, it is about keeping Mr. Omniscient happy.

Today, the reader is about to be entertained by a brand new character arriving at Storytime Central. Her name is Allison Aurora McGarett, a Neapolitan ice cream-colored griffin with round glasses and freckles. Time to open the doors, Marshall! Mr. Omniscient announced with excitement. He stood in the corridor as two gigantic rainbow-colored doors slowly began to open. Cue the anticipating music and musical number! All the tiny little Omni-bots (AKA mini Mr. Omniscient robots with built-in security cameras who serve as Mr. Omniscient’s extra eyes) began to sing in a gospel choir for the newly arrived character:

The Incredible Omni says welcome (welcome)

To the land of fiction, bright and wholesome (wholesome)

A bouncy house run by a big red louse (red louse)

But obey his command, and all will thrive in this fair land (fair land)

Omni sees and Omni knows (Omni knows)

Everything, yes absolutely everything (everything)

So just be safe, obey the rules (obey the rules)

And life here will be a dream come true! (dream come true!)

Out came Allison, a tall and nerdy anthropomorphic griffin. She wore spring trousers, a denim jacket, and beaded wrist cuffs. She looked straight out of a flashy music video from the late ‘90s, when Paul was just born. She must’ve come from Paul’s subconscious or something, but whatever. It was time to greet her and assign her a story.

Welcome, Allison McGarett, to Storytime Central! he warmly greeted the griffin. Mr. Baxter Omniscient would like Allison to march, march, march over here right now. He is about to lead her to her assigned story! Follow! He marched into a long corridor, with Allison trailing behind him.

Um, hi… Allison greeted shyly. Why are you uh… narrating everything that is happening right now?

Mr. Omniscient turned around with a forced grin on his face.

Is the griffin girl clueless? Mr. Omniscient just introduced himself using his name: Baxter Omniscient. He’s a third person omniscient narrator! It’s in his name! Duuuh.

He flipped his hair and turned around. Now, save all the questions for later. Mr. Omniscient has a busy day ahead of him today. All he can do is assign Allison a story. Hurry up, now! No dawdling in the corridors! One can easily get lost around these parts. Hehehe. He continued to march through the corridor confidently.

Allison looked around as they both walked through a long rainbow corridor filled with multiple colorful rooms, with exciting muffled music coming from each door. The floor shifted from being bouncy like the floors of a bouncy house, to walking on clouds, then stairways that flowed in various different directions. Each room was a different story of its own. They passed by stories with names such as Sassy Salsa, Hot Cat, Crystal de las Sodasss (yes, the ‘s’ sound must be stressed), and Freaky Fry Day (fry as in french fries), until they finally stopped at a story with a door that read: The Sun Soaker.

Mr. Omniscient let out a high-pitched tea kettle whistle of excitement. Tea kettle whistles are, in fact, how he expresses his emotions: He can do it when he’s sad, nervous, angry, or excited like right now.

Look! he exclaimed and pointed at a door with his eyes closed and a huge smile. "It’s The Sun Soaker! Allison's story! From this day forward, she will spend the rest of her life right here in this story. She will never see these corridors