TONES CLONES AND BONES

About The Authors

Growing up on opposite coasts of the US, Jeff and Kent didn’t meet each other until later in life. With over 55 years combined in the music industry; producing, touring, and performing with many artists, the pair finally met seventeen years ago. Their sense of humor collided, and they instantly bonded over the stories of their road experiences. While their careers have taken very different routes, once they crossed paths, they knew after working together that they shared a connection that rarely is seen in any industry.

Soon they realized that they had seen so much of the industry; the idea of a fictious tour could be fun to write about, with the right element added. That element was murder. Murder on a rock and roll tour loaded with satire on the industry that they already thought was humorous. They started penning ideas back in 2009; created characters and scenarios with the intension of making one another laugh. Soon they were writing one chapter after another with ideas that they developed over numerous phone calls and an occasional meeting over a beer.

As time moved on, they had what was the basic building blocks for half a novel. But both became busy with other projects and the writing process slowed down. Phone calls continued, and the ideas flowed as the two became addicted to their stories. It was agreed that at some point when they had more time, they would continue to finish the manuscript.

Then Covid Fucking 19 reared its ugly head and there was time. While not much else in the world was moving, Jeff and Kent were on the phone almost daily. Their ideas kept flowing and soon they had enough material not just for one novel, but for several. Now well into their third novel, they are proud to release their second titled, Tones, Clones, and Bones.

Jeff: Having seen it all on the road, it was fun to take that knowledge and create something that people will enjoy. This book follows up our first book ‘Are We A Bus?’. The characters continue and life moves on for them. I hope everyone that reads this enjoys it and laughs out loud just as Kent and I did while creating it.

Kent: To say that I’ve lived the rock and roll dream, would be an understatement. What I have seen on tour is far funnier than This is Spinal Tap ever was. I hope to live a few more years in the arena.

Tones, Clones and Bones

Jeff Agins

And

Kent Niepert

The book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the authors’ imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright©2023 Jeff Agins and Kent Niepert

All rights reserved, including the right to print this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information on bulk orders or special discounts please contact Scaggz Publishing at [email protected] or write to Scaggz Publishing, PO Box 1349, Queen Creek, AZ 85142

ISBN: 978-1-7374027-3-2 (paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-7374027-5-6 (Ebook – Kindle)

ISBN: 978-1-7374027-4-9 (Ebook – EPUB)

Table of Contents

About The Authors

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Epilogue

A Special Dedication

Chapter 1

Spud Burger, the world’s worst booking agent, wanted to make a statement and show the music industry that the world’s greatest guitarist is back. Jurgen Weislangwolf’s last tour of North America was a catastrophe. A killer following the tour killed many people along the way for no apparent reason. He left two FBI agents looking like bumbling, clueless morons as he repeatedly eluded them. After Jurgen’s bass player, Heinz, was kidnapped by the unidentified assailant, the tour was canceled by the FBI. Now all of that seemed distant in the past.

Spud had scheduled a press conference weeks ago; it would be grand. Jurgen Weislangwolf, known to his fans as the Doctor of Dynamics because of his out-of-this-world ability on the guitar, would play a solo piece blasted to the shores of Redondo Beach from a boat. The Doctor would perform Beethoven’s Violin Concerto third movement on his Universe Guitar. A guitar so powerful with its nine strings and forty-five frets that it could cover every note on the piano and more.

It was important to make an impact with this press conference to increase the confidence of the promoters, who were show buyers, and the fans to prove that this tour would be different than the suddenly shortened last tour. Spud had money issues and needed his commission from this tour. He was losing more of his artists on a monthly basis due to his less-than-honest business practices.

Spud purchased a flight for the Doctor to arrive early in the afternoon for the 5:00 pm press conference. He would pick up the Doctor and bring him to the press conference and then put him right back on a flight to Austria late the same day to save expenses.

It would be a spectacular display of the Doctor’s ability, performing on the rear deck of the yacht that his silent partner, retired millionaire Brian Wallack, owned as they sailed up to Redondo Beach. The media would be there in force; this was the perfect plan that would lead to Spud booking additional shows at higher guarantees for the Doctor’s upcoming tour of North America.

The Doctor agreed to do this as his life has not been going well since the canceled tour. He picked up odd shows in Europe and slots twice a week at the local bar in his hometown of Salzburg, Austria. His longtime girlfriend, Bea, and their eleven children have been miserable since their diet had been reduced to mostly rice and beans. He needed money that the back-to-back tours of India and North America would provide him for nearly three months. More important to the Doctor, he would get out of earshot and not have to listen to the ramblings of Bea. That alone was worth a ton of gold.

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Kurt Neusy Neustadt and Jeb Acorns approached the marina in Santa Monica in Neusy’s BMW, ready to get to work on the one-off gig. The press conference would be easy. One amp and one mic with a PA aimed at the beach from the yacht.

Neusy, said Jeb, the Doctor’s tour manager of many years. This is it, turn in the marina here, we just need to find the boat. Spud had the equipment delivered for us this morning.

This will be a piece of cake, replied Neusy, Jeb’s friend and touring partner. Jeb trusted no one more than Neusy on the road, relying on his always-willing-to-help attitude and problem-solving ability. What’s the boat called?

"The Unsinkable IV."

"What happened to the first three Unsinkables?"

I asked the same question. Apparently Spud Burger crashed all three. Two into piers and one into a cruise ship.

That makes me feel safe, said Neusy as he stepped out of the car, his shoulder-length blonde hair blowing in the ocean breeze.

Spud is no longer allowed to operate any vessel on the water. The Coast Guard suspended his privilege of operating a boat; he had no choice but to hire a captain. Spud should be picking up the Doctor now, so we have about an hour to get the gear set up before they arrive.

"It will be great to see him again after that last tour got so ugly. Look over there! There it is, the Unsinkable IV. Wow, it’s a big boat!"

Damn, look at the size of that rear deck. Well, he did call it a yacht, said Jeb, whose beard had now fully grown in. Perfect gray and white to match his hair tied back in a ponytail.

Jeb and Neusy walked the dock to where the Unsinkable IV was berthed. It was the largest private-owned ship either of them had ever boarded. Eighty-four feet in length, six decks, and painted a brilliant powder green. They walked the gangway and were stopped by a middle-aged balding man wearing shorts and no top. His mostly gray hair, what was left of it, was slicked back. What do you want?

We are the Doctor’s crew, said Neusy.

The who? said the captain.

The Doctor of Dynamics, Jurgen Weislangwolf!

What the hell is the Doctor of Dynamics?

We are here to set up the gear before Spud arrives with the Doctor.

The captain’s face seemed to acknowledge that he knew who Spud was. He moved aside for the guys to board. I’m Captain Noah, Brent Noah, but everyone calls me Flip.

As they boarded, Neusy gave Jeb the I-hope-this-motherfucker-does-not-flip-this-boat look. Jeb nodded, then motioned with his eyes to the left. Neusy grabbed two of the life vests off the rack on the wall and handed one to Jeb.

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The embers burning in Scaggz’s fire next to his tent in the mountains outside Los Angeles were ready. He had perfected his spice blend that he used to thoroughly rub his freshly caught California mountain beaver. His blend of salt, pepper, brown sugar, chili pepper, and garlic was now tweaked to perfection. He finally was able to catch these elusive rodents at will after accidentally falling on one a few months back. The secret, he discovered, is that California mountain beavers are attracted to his brother’s cologne.

He placed the mountain beaver over the fire and contemplated what the next months would entail. Not since he lost his job years ago as stage manager for guitarist Jurgen Weislangwolf had he felt this much passion and enthusiasm for touring once again. On the last tour, he made his presence felt, a one-man force, while meticulously causing problems that ended the tour early. There must be more, a reason to purge more of the additional dead weight.

While Scaggz tended to their dinner, his brother Jimmy preferred to stay inside of Scaggz’s VW Kombi as he was not keen on the camping idea. In fact, he despised camping. He was not sure how much more of this he could take. It had to end soon. His tour with the Doctor ended after his disappearance, which his brother orchestrated perfectly. It was the final incident that caused the tour to be canceled as the FBI recalled the visas for the mostly Austrian band. But five months in the woods with his brother, eating all sorts of wildlife, was enough.

Jimmy, said Scaggz, the Doctor announced his tour of India a few weeks ago and today he will announce that the next North American tour will follow right afterwards. We must go to his press conference.

I am ready to get out of here, said Jimmy through the open doors of the van. I disappeared as Heinz Beckenschultz, the Doctor’s bass player, so now I cannot risk anyone seeing me until I make my big reappearance. I hate this up here. I haven’t eaten broccoli in months. Just this shit you are always cooking. How can I go to the press conference? I will be seen.

Patience. Isn’t that what I told you in the beginning? We need patience. You will stay in the van; I will go and listen from the beach. You want to mess with him just as much as I do. Remember the audition, when he knew you as my brother and called you a hack and a poser that would never play in a touring band. Remember that always! This is the reason you reinvented yourself and took all those lessons. Moving to Austria was genius. Think about all you did to get the Doctor to notice you as Heinz. You had so much patience then. This is just like that. Scaggz cooked the rodent crispy on the outside and tender on the inside.

OK, I must admit that this is one of the best things we have eaten since we have been up here in the woods, remarked Jimmy.

Finish up, you’ll get your wish, we will come down off the mountain and head to the beach. After the press conference, we have to go back to Minnesota where you will reappear once again as Heinz Beckenschultz. The brothers finished the mountain beaver, leaving only bones, then urinated on the fire before driving to Redondo Beach.

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I am sure glad we are only setting up these fourteen effect pedals, exclaimed Neusy as he was checking the connections for the Doctor’s amp and minimal effects. What do you know about the India tour?

Not much. The offers are excellent, but I think Jurgen wants to use it as some kind of motivational journey, said Jeb as he turned on the rented PA system.

Well, whatever, as long as we get paid and can enjoy some Indian beers, I am in. Speaking of which, I am about ready for one now.

Neusy and Jeb finished their work and decided to have a couple of beers at the marina bar. Wish all the setups were like this, said Jeb.

You got that right. Glad it’s just the two of us going to India. I can only take so much of Hocker and Marlon. Hocker is a good worker, but I need space from him sometimes. Marlon is as neurotic as they come but seemed to be OK last time out, said Neusy. Jeb gave him the eyes of agreement as they were approached by a pair resembling the Blues Brothers. Agents Sparrow and Crow, what are you guys doing here? Still on the FBI’s payroll?

Jeb laughed as he sipped his California Wildfire Smoked IPA in the marina bar. Agents, nice to see you!

Agent Jathan Sparrow said, We heard the Doctor has another tour planned. They all shook hands.

"We came out for the press conference. We heard you boys are on the Unsinkable IV, found out it was docked here and came out here to see for ourselves. We want to watch from the beach in Redondo and are hoping something will reveal itself, although a long shot. All that happened last time and minimal clues. You know that headquarters will be watching closely—anything happens, they will have you two on a short leash," added Agent Jester Crow, the taller, skinnier one of the pair.

I see you have not changed your ensembles. Still rocking the Blues Brothers look, said Jeb while Neusy was drinking his Pacific Ocean Shark Vomit Lager and gagged slightly.

It’s just our regular look. Fucking people! Always saying shit like that to us. Fuck off! said Sparrow, and the agents walked out.

Neusy ordered the seasonal Smog Free LA Lager and Jeb a Pig’s Foot Stout served with a slice of bacon in the glass. They bumped glasses as the Doctor walked in. He immediately walked up to the pair enjoying their beers and said, Jebs und Neusy, my boys, how are you two? I have missed you both. As they hugged, they both noticed the Doctor seemed to have been working out. Jeb, you gained a little weight, but it looks good on you. Und Neusy, yah, you know without a GPS you still can drive well. I miss your driving, yah!

Jeb looked over at Neusy, who was giving him the what’s-up-with-the-compliments look. Jeb gave a head shake and eye roll to indicate he had no idea. Yah, you two with the beer. I know you both love it. So happy that you can enjoy. The Doctor wore his stage wigs now in public. His white Mozart wig was tied back in a ponytail. Jeb noticed it was not the original that his grandfather bought at auction, but a nice replica.

Spud said, as he offered his hand to the two touring warriors, Great to see you boys again. The Doctor seems extremely excited about this tour and what we are doing today. Then to the bartender, I’ll take the Ocean Shark and a shot of whiskey, along with a glass of red wine for the Doctor. I’m quite sure my friends here have a tab open. After the drinks were served, Jeb paid the tab before anything additional could be added.

They finished their drinks and walked to the Unsinkable IV, the Doctor talking the whole way. Yah, the flight, it was so nice. I had this baby screaming a few rows ahead, but it was like music, I kept hearing melodies. This man next to me, we talked the whole way here. They were approaching the yacht. Wow, this is a big boat. Spud, you did so well. You are the best booking agent in the whole world!

Jeb walked up first, realizing something may not be OK with the Doctor, just as Neusy said to him, Is he doing drugs now?

Something is not right, said Jeb as they passed Flip smoking a joint on the deck where they boarded.

Yah, someone will have a good trip, said the Doctor to Flip. Now I will check the equipment. Neusy, you go plug in my guitar.

Neusy plugged in the guitar and turned on the amp. The Doctor played a run through while Flip maneuvered the yacht out of the marina. The ride down to Redondo Beach would not take long, but Spud wanted to go out four miles past the horizon to make the arriving Unsinkable IV more dramatic as it appeared.

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The beach at Redondo was in full party mode, packed with people spilling out onto the street and into the adjacent park. There were vendors of every type, along with celebrity impersonators from Hollywood who were there to take pictures with the crowd for a tip. Superman, Batman, Marilyn Monroe, Darth Vader, three different Elvis impersonators, as well as Spongebob and a Donald Trump impersonator. The party carried up to the pier that overlooked the beach and the ocean. The pier had various restaurants and bars that all were taking advantage of the boost in business generated by the press conference.

Scaggz had parked the van two blocks away and walked to the beach while Jimmy had to wait in the van. Scaggz was walking the beach looking for the perfect spot to watch the event when he spotted the FBI agents, who blended right in with all the impersonators.

Now with his hair grown out again and full-on beard, he doubted they would remember meeting him over five months ago. To test his theory, he approached the agents and yelled out, I love the Blues Brothers, as he took a selfie with them. He was quick to hand them a dollar then sprinted away. He looked up over his shoulder and saw a crowd of people that also wanted a photo with the impersonators.

Scaggz, down by the ocean, still could not find the ideal spot to watch the event. He looked up at the huge pier staring down at him, loaded with restaurants and shops. He scaled the pilings and ascended to the top but positioned himself under the pier platform. From this vantage point he could see the ocean and the beach unobstructed.

People, we are FBI! said Agent Sparrow as they showed their badges in unison, as if rehearsed, each with a handful of dollar bills. This caused more of a stir and a cheer. More people surrounded them for pictures thinking it was all part of their act.

I want one with the badges, said a woman with her children.

Yes, a picture with the badges! shouted someone else.

Agent Crow liked the attention and was putting more cash in his pocket than he had space to carry. Sparrow, annoyed, finally slapped Crow on the arm and dragged him away from the crowd. The people followed until they walked to the pier steps. Crow said, We just need a break, people. We will be back later.

A large sigh ensued, and the people started walking back to the beach. A couple said, Please let us be first when you come back. Crow was about to speak but Sparrow yanked him up the stairs. The agents walked up and stopped at a Mexican Cantina, ordered a taco each and made their way to the railing where they could see the ocean and the beach unobstructed just like Scaggz, who now was right below them on the support posts.

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Jeb could finally see the beach at Redondo in the distance. Neusy was on the rear deck with him. They checked the systems, and all appeared OK. The Doctor appeared from below and said, Yah, you two really are so good. I see the beach.

You must wait to play until I tell you, we are too far from the beach for them to hear it clearly, said Neusy.

Scaggz could now see the yacht approaching, still a mile out. What a huge yacht. How did they afford that? Probably Spud Burger did something that the Doctor would end up paying as some fictitious expense.

The agents also noticed the Unsinkable IV approaching. There it is. Keep scanning the beach, look for anything unusual, not normal, said Crow.

This whole press conference is not normal. Look at all those people. You got news cameras, vendors selling who knows what, people drinking on the beach half naked, and these impersonators. Not to mention people wanting our pictures. Then you have those people in the water surfing, then coming ashore to smoke weed. Maybe we should change the colors of our suits to gray, said Sparrow.

No way, I always have worn black since my father bought me my first suit. People are just idiots! I don’t know why they are always calling us the Blues Brothers. I saw the movie back in the day. We look nothing like them, plus my skin is way too dark, replied Crow as he took off his fedora to scratch his head while Sparrow removed his sunglasses to get a clearer look down on the beach.

The Unsinkable IV was now a half mile from the beach. Get ready, Jurgen, instructed Neusy. Just a little further.

Yah, this is amazing, that many people want to see this. Why do we not get more people at the shows? asked the Doctor.

Well, this is a beach, and it is like a party; look at all the people having a good time. But a lot has to do with the venues you are booked in, said Jeb, and he and Neusy both looked at Spud as he was downing his third shot of whiskey since boarding the yacht.

Yah, well don’t blame Spud, he is a good man, replied the Doctor. Do you have a pick for me to use?

I put a couple on the amp, answered Neusy. As the Doctor turned around, both Jeb and Neusy noticed he had a small tattoo under his left ear towards the back of his neck that was now visible with the light wind blowing across the deck. It was just the number one.

Strange, I never noticed he had that tattoo with all the years I’ve worked with him, said Jeb.

Yeah, me neither, but it makes sense since he does not think anyone can even play on the same planet as him. Conceded asshole would get a tattoo saying he is number one, said Neusy. OK, Jurgen, we are about where we need to be; just wait for the boat to turn so people can see you.

On the beach, the onlookers were standing up now as the Unsinkable IV was only 250 feet out and could no longer get any closer. Spud was unsure what the laws were but had to pay Flip an additional thousand dollars to bring the Unsinkable IV this close to shore. This is it, said Flip. We need to be quick.

Jeb once again switched on the massive PA, which gave feedback until Neusy adjusted one of the slides on the sound board. The people on the beach screamed when they heard the feedback. The Unsinkable IV turned parallel to the beach so that the people on the beach could now see the rear deck and the Doctor standing facing them with his hand in the air.

Neusy started the backing track. It was Bach’s Violin Concerto third movement. The people on the beach were quiet. Neusy increased the volume of the PA, but still not much reaction on the beach.

The Doctor also noticed this, he turned around and adjusted his custom Galactic Amp to its maximum level of 900 watts. The onlookers screamed. Neusy, maxing out the PA, could only hear the Doctor as Spud rented a PA too small for the task at hand.

The news cameras were rolling, and the onlookers were in awe of the Doctor’s playing. They were silent for the entire ten-minute length of the movement, which included an improvised section. It was loud on the deck of the yacht. Jeb looked over at Neusy to see if Neusy noticed it as well. It was clear from Neusy’s what-the-fuck look that he too sensed something off in the Doctor’s playing. His vibrato seemed out of time and his playing uninspired. Both so slight that the average listener would not notice during a live performance.

But they knew, they have seen the Doctor play live hundreds of times and during rehearsals the Doctor always emphasized these things. Jeb too was a victim of the Doctor’s criticism when he was playing his guitar on the tour bus to kill time. The Doctor told him, Ach, if you must play your guitar on my bus, then you must play it properly. I cannot stand to hear you play unless you play it right. Jeb never brought his guitar on tour again and now watches movies on his tablet to occupy his free time.

The Doctor finished the third movement of Bach’s Violin Concerto; the crowd on the beach erupted in cheers.

More! More!

That was fucking amazing!

Play some Centipedes!

But that was it, Spud walked over to the microphone as Flip was ready to bring the Unsinkable IV further out to sea. Spud announced, Ladies and gentlemen. The Doctor of Dynamics. The crowd screamed once again. His North American Tour will kick off in a few weeks. Visit his website or Burger Musical Bookings International for all the tour dates. Thank you for coming out. Flip, let’s get out of here.

Flip put the yacht in motion, and they headed back to Santa Monica. Well, that went OK. I was wondering how this was going to be with this boat thing, said the Doctor. Spud, you did well. But now I need my red wine. Jeb handed him a glass of red wine, but the Doctor grabbed the bottle from his other hand and finished it in one long sip. Neusy looked over, watching what was going on, then watched as the Doctor put the empty bottle down and grabbed the glass that was offered to him a few seconds earlier.

What the hell is going on with Jurgen? You need to talk with him, Jeb, said Neusy. His personality is off. He is not critical like he always is and his playing… You heard it too, I saw you. If he is on drugs, it will be a disaster. Remember when he was drinking before he went on stage. It was a nightmare. And what was with playing Bach’s Violin Concerto? He was supposed to play Beethoven.

He told me right before he went on that the backing music he gave you was for Bach. I asked, ‘Why? The press release said you will be playing Beethoven.’ His answer was, ‘Suck my Bach!’ So yes, something is way off with him. I will talk with him once he is back home. He is always more approachable when he is home and relaxed. But now we need to take him back to the airport once we get on shore.

Once back at the marina in Santa Monica, Flip berthed the Unsinkable IV to the relief of Neusy and Jeb. They all walked ashore. Neusy and Jeb handed Flip their life vests, who did not find it humorous. Once on the shore, the Doctor said, Achh, that was some good red wine. I want some more.

Jeb answered, We need to get you to the airport. Your flight home is in a few hours.

Yah, Jeb, you are always so good with the time.

Jeb shook his head, as normally he would get the Doctor’s verbal lashing. They walked to Neusy’s car, said goodbye to Spud, then headed to LAX to drop off the Doctor for his flight back to Austria. On the way, the Doctor in the back seat said, Achh, when we go to India, you both will see what is going on.

Jeb didn’t want to ask; he looked at Neusy who was looking forward, not acknowledging what the Doctor was saying. Good thought, Jeb! Let’s just get him back to the airport and sort out what issues he is having when he is back home, said Neusy.

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Scaggz, high up on the pier, could also tell there was something not quite right with the Doctor’s playing. The Doctor was not right. He must find out what is going on. The Doctor never plays like that. Back at his VW, his brother Jimmy was in the passenger seat. When Scaggz opened the door, the smell of steamed broccoli hit him. We have to see what is going on with the Doctor. His playing was off. I am not even sure that was the Doctor playing. He was too far away to see for sure. Why did you leave the van to get that food?"

Relax, it was right across the street. No one saw me and I was hungry. What are you going to do?

We’re driving up to Santa Monica. We should be able to beat them up there, said Scaggz as he pulled away from his parking spot and headed up the coast.

They arrived in Santa Monica and there was no sign of the Unsinkable IV. They waited in the parking lot in a spot behind the restaurant at the marina. There Scaggz could see the marina but they would not notice him. Just the back of the VW to the water. Jimmy pulled a second container of broccoli out of a bag and began to eat that as the Unsinkable IV arrived.

They watched the passengers exit the yacht and then watched Neusy, Jeb, and the Doctor walk to the parking lot. Scaggz maneuvered his VW to the side of the restaurant, waited for the three to get into the BMW, and then followed them out of the parking lot.

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Neusy drove down the coast and then across to LAX. The Doctor said, Yah, this was fun, thank you for driving me. Neusy, see, you do not need your GPS, you made it here as if you had one.

It’s just driving to the airport; I have done it many times.

"Achh, yah, but you do it