I am Leonard and Other Stories

Praise for I am Leonard

"I am Leonard is several of my favorite dystopian nightmares rolled into one, narrated by the heroic love child of Scrooge and the Grinch."

Leod Fitz, author of The Corpse-Eater Saga

"Sorry, Will Smith. Richter penned the perfect homage to Matheson’s I am Legend."

Brian Kaufman, author of Dead Beyond the Fence

Praise for L.I.F.E. in the 23rd Century_

‘Satire is a dying art in the USA, so consider this novel an endangered species. If Monty Python adopted a chimp and read it 1984 as a bedtime story, this is what it would dream.’

Aaron Spriggs, author of The Strange and Savage Life of a Brasskey Journalist

I am Leonard

And Other Stories

Jason R. Richter

Copyright © 2020 by Jason R. Richter / Diskordian Press

Cover by Liam Relph

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Visit DiskordianPress.com for more information

Dedicated to everyone that continues to support this type of behavior.

Specifically, Paul for the profanity and McKinney for the motivation.

Contents

Also by Jason R. Richter

Publishing History

I am Leonard

The White Elephant

Pictographology

The Fortress of Evil

Afterword

L.I.F.E. in the 23rd Century — An excerpt

About the author

Also by Jason R. Richter

L.I.F.E. in the 23rd Century

Publishing History

The White Elephant. First published in The Mountain Scribes Anthology.

2009

Pictographology. First published in Crossed Genres, Issue 21, Invasion.

August, 2010

The Fortress of Evil. First published in the Probing Uranus anthology as The Continuing Adventures of Agent Jonas Maxwell, Intergalactic Space Agency: The Fortress of Evil.

2010

I am Leonard

And Other Stories

I am Leonard

And Other Stories

Jason R. Richter

Chapter One

I am Leonard

The Ishmael's closest to my apartment now has a human barista sitting behind the counter. If this turns into an ongoing annoyance, I will take my business to the Ishmael's on the next block.

I didn’t hear what the person at the front of the line said, but the barista leans into the microphone on the counter and repeats the order.

Half-caff mocha, he said, his head bobbing to his affected cadence, soy, whipped cream. He rises from his stool and shuffles in either a dance number or rhythmic seizure. Half-caff-scoodle, he scatted, mocha-broodle, soy-whip-froodle.

Third in line, I see the drink slide out of W.A.L.T., the coffee machine. W.A.L.T. says your half-caff, soy, mocha with whip is ready. That's what W.A.L.T. says.

Yesterday, I walked up to the coffee machine and spoke into the microphone myself. Today, the barista had a government grant to elevate everyone’s experience.

He shuffled around a few more times, sat down, and handed the customer his drink. Savor that, brother, said the barista. Who else wants some?

The next customer, a woman, mumbled her order to the barista.

Coming right up, sister! Into the microphone, he said, Iced caramel macchiato, upside down with whipped cream. He went back into seizure mode when the machine had the order. Caramel-froodle, macchi-scoodle, upside-doodle, whip-noodle.

The machine said, W.A.L.T. says your iced caramel macchiato, upside down with whipped cream is ready. That's what W.A.L.T. says.

The drink slid out, but the barista repeated his jazz-scat, not once, but twice, before he handed the woman her drink. Relish that, sweetheart, he said. She giggled, as she walked away.

What do you desire, my friend? he asked me.

Typically, I spend a half-hour in the coffee shop catching up on the news, before I leave for work. This idiot, with his scat and shuffle routine, had destroyed most of that time.

Drip, I said.

Excuse me? he said.

Say the word ‘drip’ into the microphone, so I can get my coffee and go.

He leaned forward. Drip, he said into the microphone. He stood up to start dancing, but I raised my hand.

Let me do it for you, I said. Drip-doodle. I did a jumping jack.

W.A.L.T. says your drip coffee is ready. That's what W.A.L.T. says.

Can I have my coffee? I asked.

He snorted and slid my cup across the counter. What are you supposed to be, bro?

What do you mean?

What’s the costume for, my dude?

I looked down at my clothes, then around the room at everyone else. Sure, I was the only person wearing a tie and slacks. The only person who owned a shirt with sleeves, comb, and mirror. The only person who didn’t look like a refugee from a post-apocalyptic action movie. But that was no reason to call my clothes a costume.

I’m on my way to work, I said.

He laughed. No really, what’s with the costume, homey?

I have an office job, and that’s where I’m heading, after I finish my coffee.

Whatever, he said. If you aren’t going to tell me, step aside for the next customer.

As I walked away, the Slam-Go app popped up on my phone –commanding me–to rate the interaction.

I chose Slam.

The barista tried to be avant-garde but succeeded at being annoying. The jazz-scat he performed, as he served my coffee, was off-key, unnecessary, and stale.

That's what showed up on my screen, anyway. With the Sub-Vocalizer app activated, it sounded like I was trying to improve my gorilla impression, as I balanced my cup on my walk to a table. The Slam went directly to the barista’s personal SpaceBook, the Jazz-Scat Barista Guild page, and Yarp! page for the café. His universal rating dutifully decreased.

Two other things happened when I sent the Slam.

1. Immediate attrition of the line in the coffee shop. People are willing to wait for a mediocre cup of corporate coffee, but not if the barista's jazz-scat is anything other than on-point.

2. The troll army in the ether began lambasting me for being judgmental, cold-hearted, and uninformed. You know, the usual troupe of bomb hurlers hiding safely behind their screen. There were only two noteworthy posts. One commented on the diminutive nature of my "gennytallya, and the second assumed I was an ass-faced Red Sox fan–not that anyone had mentioned baseball–and hoped I would be mudred violetly." As compared to chartreuse or yellowy, I suppose.

Ah, trolls. If you knew how to spell, your entertainment value would decrease exponentially.

Slam-Go was for skin-to-skin interactions only. Reviews couldn’t be brigaded into submission. None of the anonymous horde could increase the barista’s universal rating one dot unless they walked into the café and bought a cup of coffee from him. Most of them were cursing my name from a different continent. The flame war flickered out by the time I got my coffee from the counter to a table. It started and stopped in an instant, but not exactly instantly.

After a moment at the table, it sinks in that I should have ordered my coffee in a Tug-O. Just to my left, a poet waves his E-Quill, chanting the words, as he writes them in neon green in the air above his table. He is lean, in a twitchy sort of way. His hair is spiked into a matching neon green mohawk. He’s wearing a tan shirt and black pants. The shirt’s too tight, the pants too baggy. To my right, about five or six tables away is another air scribbler. He’s shorter and more muscular than the other guy. He has the same clothing on, but in reverse–tan pants, black shirt. His hair is cut in two equal racing stripes, just above his ears. His hair and luminous squiggles from his E-Quill are hot, hot pink. Between the complimentary E-Quill colors, mirrored clothing, and one complete haircut between the two of them, it’s surely a setup.

The crowd is enthralled. The poets’ combined chanting builds like nuclear proliferation. Mohawk gets a little louder, then Racing Stripes gets a little louder than that. Then, Mohawk gets a little louder still. And on, and on.

And yawn.

And on, and on some more.

Mohawk shouts Monkey goggles, pig knuckle, as he paints the words on the air in front of him.

Racing Stripes responds with, Outcaster, hoodie whip, as he laces the air with letters. His strokes are huge.

A pause.

They stare each other down across the café. With a deep breath, they both shout, Vagabond skeet farfle.

The crowd gasps. How could they both say the same random three words, everyone wondered?

Everyone, but me.

The poets charge at each other, stopping belly to belly, nose to nose. They shout gibberish into each other’s faces, into each other’s mouths. Right arms flail their words to the sky, from the top down. The older, higher words melt and dribble down onto the newer words. The men crouch down, as they write and scream, their noses always touching until they sit cross-legged, knee to knee, nose to nose.

And then, silence.

The piece of art rotates in a full circle for everyone to enjoy. It’s a flaccid penis writ large complete with neon green pubes and sagging neon pink scrotum. The piece makes its single revolution, and the two men whisper, Armistice.

Then, the drawing vanishes.

The coffee shop customers erupt in applause. Phones went into the air. The poets hold their own phones up, so they can catch the flung e-change from the adoring masses.

Their name is an animal, then a shape, I thought. Ever since those idiots in Antelope Disk did a performance piece on Blu-Tube and won an Oscar, everyone has mimicked them.

Mohawk took a bow and said, Thank you, so much.

With tears in his eyes, he thinks this is his one, big break. His elevation point.

Racing Stripes said, "We are Cattle Sphere."

I knew it.

Cheering increases as Slam-Go pops up on everybody’s phones. I watch as the screen racks up emblazoned Go green lights, quintuple stars, and two thumbs way, way up.

And my one fist, Slam branded into the knuckles.

I take what’s left of my coffee and make my way to the door. I’m about to take the last swallow when confetti cannons go off.

Someone actually brought confetti.

To a coffee shop.

That’s brilliant.

I drop my cup of recycled, paper-flavored coffee into the bus tub.

I give humanity two thumbs way, way down.

Chapter Two

My footsteps echo through the empty lobby of the office building. Doors to the street swing closed, darkness envelopes me. I pause a beat to give the electric eye in the ceiling time to register my presence. Fluorescent bulbs buzz on to light the length of the corridor. Not that I need the light. Across the lobby to the