Next Level Basic: The Definitive Basic Bitch Handbook

Introduction

First let me say, despite what you might think if you’ve seen me on Vanderpump Rules—I am not an authority on life what-so-fucking-ever. But I am a premiere authority on being basic AF. I’m opinionated and judgy (which is one of my main skills, and if they gave out Academy Awards for judginess I would definitely need a trophy room), so I have some pretty strong opinions about what’s important in life: ranch dressing, ghost tours, cocktails, hangover patches, hot dogs, actual dogs, the perfect pair of Loubs, Game of Thrones, and Ouija boards, to name a few things.

In my experience, there’s nothing more boring than people who take themselves way too seriously (I live in LA, so I should know). This book is for everyone out there who is tired of pretending they would rather read War and Peace or see a Daniel Day-Lewis movie about sewing than watch a Saw marathon and drink a delicious but basic AF cocktail like a Kir Royale (nine parts champagne and one part crème de cassis, whatever that is. The point is, it’s mainly champagne). This book is for people who want to let their basicness shine and listen to show tunes while they drive to the gym (with a full face of makeup, natch), but then drive past the gym and head to the bar instead. It’s for the Khaleesis*

of the world, who know that the best way to get over a breakup is to assert your authority and coerce people into doing things for you (in 2019 that means having them buy you pizza and wine), and express your rage by any means necessary (in my case, that means singing show tunes at the top of my lungs). I’ve survived some very public and dramatic breakups, often with a camera crew documenting the entire before and after, so you could say that getting through them is one of my specialties.

So, no, I’m not ever going to be featured on Goop or give a TED Talk, but I do know some things. Like, let’s be real—everyone wants to look good AF on Instagram, and I can help with that. Most people would secretly rather eat the best hot dog on the planet than eat $26 roasted heirloom baby kumquats with a foam framboise reduction (and I can help with that too!). All humans have basic tendencies, and I am the living embodiment of a human who embraces her inner basic bitch, with pride.

In this book, I’m not going to share deep life lessons about finding myself during an (expensive) ayahuasca ceremony in the Amazon or feel-good stories that make it seem like I have it all figured out. This is me getting real, raw, and taking my basicness (and hopefully yours) to the next level, because embracing those tendencies can give you the confidence to speak up and do things you might never attempt if you were hiding your truest, most basic self. Reading this book will be like catching up with your honest, and yes, slightly bitchy friend. I will tell stories about losing my virginity, totally screwing up on social media, and learning that I don’t know shit about life—which is a pretty good lesson to learn in your twenties—and how not everything can be solved by bingeing on Taco Bell. I’ll explain what not to do on Instagram or Twitter (like, everyone knows that picture of you sleeping is really a selfie). I’ll tell stories about being basic AF in high school, and then basic AF in my twenties, and I’ll reveal embarrassing and true moments from my life (because not everything ends up on Vanderpump!) that prove that being basic 2.0 takes guts. I mean, you have to be kind of brave to live in foodie LA and admit that hot dogs and Cool Ranch Doritos are among your favorite foods. But YOLO, right?

I hope you can read this book and not only have a laugh and a little departure from the stresses of your everyday life but also feel like you can relate. We need to take back the joy of being basic and wear it as a badge of honor. The next time you go on a first date or meet a new group of people, I hope you feel comfortable being exactly who you are and that you don’t worry about saying or doing the right thing, because there is no right thing. Except when it comes to charging your cell phone. People who run out of charge are the worst and they deserve to be slowly tortured with nipple clamps, and with this book I am going to prove it!

If you’re not yet basic AF, I’m not judging you. Well, maybe I’m judging you a little. What I want is for everyone to embrace whatever they’re into, even if society or their boss or some asshole online says it’s lame. If you think chanting in a yoga class is the best thing ever, then good for you (even though it makes me want to gouge my eyes out with steaming-hot pokers). If you want to order the seasonal sugar-filled pumpkin-flavored whatever at Starbucks rather than some froufrou European drink, own your truth. Embracing your basicness can actually make you a happier person for one simple reason—because it’s fun. It’s so much more fulfilling to bond with people over your shared love of, say, overplayed pop songs or astrology than it is to sit in a corner and act like a hater. It gives you a sense of community and bonds you with strangers in a world that can be pretty isolating and harsh. It’s a lot more fulfilling to sing Sweet Caroline in a bar with a bunch of strangers than it is to pretend that you don’t know the words, missing out on something that’s fun, memorable (depending on how many shots you do), and social. That’s the essence of the Next Level Basic mentality—stop being a hater and enjoy yourself!

If your perfect day means a Kardashian marathon on the couch with an Aperol Spritz, that doesn’t make you any less cool than the guy who spends his day home with his microbrew, listening to jazz (which sounds boring AF, BTW). Personally, I’m tired of people feeling ashamed of what they’re into just because they’re afraid someone might make fun of their love of bedazzled ranch dressing bottles or because they watched Kylie’s ten-minute pregnancy video more than once. I mean, I did. And if you didn’t, I bet you’re tempted to google it right this second. Welcome to Next Level Basic.

Maybe you totally believe in the whole Mercury-in-retrograde thing (I do). Maybe you idolize Chrissy Teigen (who doesn’t?). And maybe you really love the whole rosé-in-a-can craze. So what if someone else says pink wine in a can is lame? Life is way too short to care what someone else thinks about what you think is cool, especially when it comes to something as personal as wine. So let’s stop taking ourselves so seriously and get back to basic—because I bet even Dame Judi Dench is probably out there at the local pub living her Next Level Basic best life. Let’s follow her lead.

*

 Since starting my podcast, a community of badass, smart, funny basic bitches has organically arisen. And those BABBs are called Khaleesis. I mean, it’s pretty basic to name Khaleesi as your fave Game of Thrones character, because she is kind of the ancient version of a basic bitch, with her platinum-blond hair and braids. So it only makes sense that fans of my podcast are named after her. . . .

SECTION I

Basic AF

   CHAPTER 1   

Find Your Voice

You might not be shocked to find out that I was never a wallflower, but I was also not a typical teenager. I mean, sure, I hung out at malls and got embarrassed by my parents if they were anywhere near me in a public place, but I also pretended to read tarot cards and practiced mental telepathy, which (shocker) never really worked out. So I guess you could say I was quirky. In grammar school in New Orleans, I was the student council president because I ran a pretty kick-ass campaign where I plastered every wall of the school with posters that had a cartoon version of my face on them, plus streamers and glitter (looking back, it was a precursor to my current passion for party planning). Had Instagram been around back then, I would have paid the people in my school with the most followers to do sponsored posts for me.

Was this basic? It definitely was. But I still had a lot to learn. The thing is—taking your basicness to the next level is a process. It takes confidence, y’all. We all have basic tendencies, but admitting those tendencies like a boss bitch is the key. Embracing your most basic self and not caring what anyone says about your love of selfies or your passion for My 600-lb Life means you have become a confident badass who speaks her mind and doesn’t care what the trolls have to say about it. What I’m saying is: to be a Next Level Basic bitch, you first have to be a boss bitch. I learned this lesson pretty early on.

I’ve been called Bossy Stassi for as long as I can remember—and I take that nickname as a compliment. The teachers at school once called my mom and dad to tell them that other parents were complaining because their kids weren’t getting enough attention—because I was stealing it all by being a kiss-ass who loved to ham it up. I was the quintessential hand raiser in class, so being the center of attention has just always been standard for me. I legit can’t help it. (God, I’m such a freaking asshole.) You might say I was born to be a reality-show whore and share everything about my life with anyone who will watch. It’s just my destiny. BTW, I’m aware of how ridiculous it sounds to say that reality TV is my destiny when people in history like Gandhi and Mother Teresa actually got real shit done, but reality TV just feels like something I was meant to do—for the greater good of humanity. (Just kidding!)

So holla if you, like me, always felt you were special. Like you just looked around and knew you were different. And it’s not because you were smarter than anyone, or cooler than anyone, but because you just had something that’s a little different and unique. And I’ll just add—why is it considered a douchey thing to say that you’re special? Do you think Beyoncé is ashamed of being special? Exactly. We should all feel freaking special, even if we’re not dancing and singing on a giant stage in six-inch stiletto thigh-high boots, as pillars of fire shoot up all around us and millions of people watch our every move. You’re special. So don’t apologize for it—embrace it!

A long time ago I realized that strong, opinionated, comfortable-in-their-own-skin bawse queens are often labeled bitches. And you know what? I’m totes okay with that. If knowing what I want makes me a bitch, then so be it. Knowing what you want sounds easy, right? But sometimes you need to do a little work to figure it out, and own it. It took me a few years to tap into my own inner boss bitch and learn to find my voice. You know—that thing that makes you you. Your style, your brand, your je ne sais quoi, as the French say. Because those bitches always say it best.

So, based on my history as Bossy Stassi and my deep-seated annoying love of attention, as you might guess, my boss bitch tendencies showed up at a very early age.

Like many of you, I had (and still have, BTW) a passion for the Spice Girls. I get excited every time one of their songs comes on, and any reunion-tour gossip turns me into a delirious thirteen-year-old fangirl. Like, seriously, I need to be sedated. If you need proof of my obsession, at age nine I would diligently memorize dance routines to Spice Girls songs and hold my own auditions during recess for my own New Orleans Spice Girls crew. Some kids didn’t make the cut, which had the parents all up in arms if their precious snowflakes were left out. But that’s just life, right? Don’t even get me started on the whole every kid gets a participation trophy thing. I knew early on that if you want something to happen you need to make it happen yourself. You don’t just get a trophy for showing up.

Still, I can’t say I found my voice until a few years after my Spice Girls crew had disbanded. My big moment didn’t happen until I traveled to Los Angeles one summer as a fifteen-year-old musical-theater hopeful with a Doritos chip on her shoulder.

As a teen, I was artsy AF. I could not have been more artsy—I went to a performing arts school and studied theater. I thought I was the shit—maybe because I was so successful as the dictator of a teen Spice Girls crew way back when. So during this artsy era, at the age of fifteen, my dad took me on a trip to Los Angeles. I knew I wanted to go to an acting conservatory, and my dad somehow knew Robert Redford’s*

acting coach. This acting coach agreed to let me sit in on one of his classes while I was in LA, even though I was some random teenage wannabe actress from Louisiana and the only starring roles I’d had onstage were at school in New Orleans. And in my own head, obviously.

We flew out to Los Angeles—the early 2000s Los Angeles, before Sur and Vanderpump were even a thing. The day of the class, I got dressed in my army-green bomber jacket from Express that was two sizes too small. Side note: I had seen a pic of Sienna Miller wearing a green bomber jacket, so I squished myself into this knockoff because I felt insanely cool, like I belonged in LA, a place way more advanced, style-wise, than Louisiana. I also had on my Free Winona T-shirt, which I wore all the time