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Wednesday, 25 December 2024

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• Argument Clinic

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Argument Clinic

Argument Clinic is a sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus, written by John Cleese and Graham Chapman. The sketch was originally broadcast as part of the television series and has subsequently been performed live by the group. It relies heavily on wordplay and dialogue, and has been used as an example of how language works.

Plot

Michael Palin pays a receptionist (played by Rita Davies) to have a five-minute argument. The receptionist directs him to Chapman's room, but when he walks in, Chapman hurls abuse at him. Palin interrupts, saying he wants an argument, not abuse, and Chapman apologises, directing him to another room. As Palin leaves, Chapman calls him a "stupid git".

Palin then enters Cleese's room, where Cleese immediately starts an argument, claiming that Palin has already been told that it is the right room. The argument is petty, and consists primarily of the two men contradicting each other. Eventually, Cleese rings a bell signifying the end of the argument, and after Palin pays for another five minutes, Cleese claims that he hasn't. Palin leaves in frustration.

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'); } else { var query = elem.find('.keywords').html(); $.ajax({ context: elem, url: 'https://wn.com/api/upge/cheetah-search-adv/video', cache: true, data: { 'query': query }, dataType: 'jsonp', success: function(text) { if (text.length > 0) { video_id = text[0].id; elem.find('.player').html('

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• Argument Clinic

  by Monty Python

Argument Clinic

by: Monty Python

Man (Michael Palin): Ah, I'd like to have an argument,
please.
Receptionist (Rita Davies): Certainly sir. Have you
been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument,
or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but
only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started
off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. Uh,
Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you. (closes door)
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Abuser (Graham Chapman): What do you want?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Abuser: DON'T give me that, you snotty-faced heap of
parrot droppings!
M: What?
Abuser: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type
really makes me puke, YOU VACUOUS, TOFFEE-NOSED,
MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to
just stand...!!
Abuser: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Abuser: Ah yes, you want room 12a, Just along the
corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Abuser: Not at all.
M: Thank you. (closes door)
Abuser: Stupid git!
(Walks down the corridor, Knocks)
Arguer (John Cleese): Come in.
M: Uh, is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No, you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No, you didn't.
A: I did.
M: Didn't.
A: Did!
M: Didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five
minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely
told you.
M: No, you did not.
A: Yes, I did.
M: No, you didn't.
A: Yes, I did.
M: No, you didn't.
A: Yes, I did!
M: No, you didn't!
A: Yes, I did!
M: You didn't!
A: Did!
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No, it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No, it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not!
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not!
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no!
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh look, this is futile!
A: No, it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No, you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: Well, an argument isn't just contradiction.
A: Can be.
M: No, it can't. An argument is a connected series of
statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No, it isn't.
M: Yes, it is. It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary
position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying, "No it isn't".
A: Yes, it is!
M: No, it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any
statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No, it isn't.
M: Yes, it is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look--
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
(pause)
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay
for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh
come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless
you've paid!
M: Oh, all right. (pays)
A: Thank you.
(short pause)
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've
paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No, you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No, you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that!
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got
you!
A: No, you haven't.
M: Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare
time.
M: Oh, I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh, shut up. (closes door)
(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
M: I want to complain.
Complainer (Eric Idle): YOU want to complain? Look at
these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the
heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well
not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh, my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm
sick and tired of this office.
(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)
M: Hello, I want to... Oohhh! (Terry clobbers Michael
with comedy mallet)
Head Hitter (Terry Jones): No, no, no. Hold your head
like this, then go "Waaah". Try it again.
M: Uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now...
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head
lessons in here.

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Loading...'); var query = jQuery('.radio_query').val(); jQuery.ajax({ data: { query: query }, url: '/api/upge/cheetah-photo-search/radio', success: function(text) { jQuery('.radio-search-results').html(jQuery(text)); updateHeight(); $('#RadioSearchTable').tablesorter(); $('#RadioSearchTable').trigger("update"); } }); return false; // do not submit the form }); $(".search-tools-btn").click(function () { header = $(this); content = $(".search-tools-content"); if(content.is(':visible')) { content.hide('slow'); header.html('Tools '); }else{ content.show('slow'); header.html('Hide '); } }); });