Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.
An NYU spokesperson recently affirmed the university’s aim to practice “institutional restraint” in response to escalations of pro-Palestinian demonstrations at the university. Like the warnings you dole out to your socially unaware uncle at Thanksgiving dinner, the university said it will only speak on issues when it “must.”
To support the university’s public relations efforts, an NYU Handshake position opened last week for an Institutional Restraint Consultant role. WSN obtained the application, which required a Notes App apology portfolio and a passive-aggressive email-writing test, which was reviewed by a search committee including Campus Safety head Fountain Walker and Vanderbilt University’s ChatGPT bot. After this lengthy screening process, a university spokesperson announced that the applicants were narrowed down to a shortlist.
Joe Biden
Outgoing President Joe Biden is going to need a new job eventually — only 82 years young, he still has a long life ahead of him. And if a soon-to-be former president knows anything, it’s how to dodge interview questions. Whether it’s by finding chicken-dressed babies to bite or asking a reporter if they can “keep from getting hit in the head by a camera” when receiving press inquiries, NYU probably won’t be expected to speak on anything. Ever.
President Alma Coin from ‘The Hunger Games’
After successfully fabricating a rebellion against the Capitol and securing control over Panem, the obvious next step for President Coin would be to quell voices of dissent at a university. As long as you ignore the elephant in the room — or the arrow in her heart — from the latter half of “Mockingjay,” it’s no surprise that Coin’s secured a spot on NYU’s shortlist.
Cody Ko
YouTube video essayist and The Button enthusiast Cody Ko knows how to exercise restraint when responding to backlash. When allegations of him having sex with Tana Mongeau when she was 17 and he was 25 surfaced, Ko decided to bring the house down with a DJ set to Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” rather than actually address the issue. With Ko as a consultant, you probably won’t receive a school-wide communication again — unless he decides to release a 30-minute video of him reacting to a Tisch student’s Sight & Sound final.
Switzerland
Who better to consult on neutrality than the permanently neutral state? Having the oldest foreign policy of neutrality in the world, Switzerland could teach NYU a thing or two about biting its tongue. This one’s a no-brainer.
Tree Paine
Paine is NYU honorary degree recipient Taylor Swift’s decade-long publicist, lauded by Swifties for being a stalwart defender of the pop star. A subject of many TikTok fan edits, Paine is known for responding to Kim Kardashian’s claim that Kanye West asked Swift for permission to use the word “bitch” in his song “Famous” — which is about Swift.
“I mean, we all watched ‘Miss Americana’ on Netflix,” an NYU spokesperson said of Paine in an interview with WSN. “She’s the queen of PR. I’d never have to write an NYU Campus Advisory message again.”
The university spokesperson refused to comment on whether or not Paine would be consulted in the event of a whirlwind romance between an NYU administrator and a National Football League player, or if Scooter Braun finagles ownership over a Clive Davis student’s song recordings.
Only time will tell which candidate will be tapped for the position. Who knows if they can survive the university’s cycle of public relations disasters, or if we’ll be getting another purple wall added to our campus? If all else fails, there’s always Melissa Nathan at The Agency Group.
WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.
Contact Dani Biondi at [email protected].
