Tag Archives: Infomercials

Betty White’s muffin on the boob tube

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Betty White’s muffin on the boob tube

Which came first: the Snickers ad, the Facebook group, or SNL’s crowdsourced mandate to fete American sitcom icon Betty White? American as Apple Pie
To me this blonde’s netroots smack of a publicist’s hand, and White’s performance Saturday night all but validated SNL’s reluctance until now to spotlight the octogenarian’s one note routine. The SNL tribute could laud only her age, raising the specter that a proverbial domestic bread might have been named for her.

Betty White was a broadcast fixture, not a luminary. On the plus side, she hasn’t stooped to pitching life insurance on infomercials, although I suspect her screen persona lacked the gravitas. It does look like the Snickers “Divas” campaign wants to boost White’s brand recognition up to the visibility of its other stage and screen legends.

Of course Betty’s first name predates namesake archetypes of American comedy, but it’s no indication of her contribution. When a McGruber sketch had the title comic break character to wend an impassioned I Love You to grandmother White, I was horrified to predict that the actress’s persona had no stretch to stray from her signature negativity.

White may have begun her career in the age of the Honeymooners, but her caricatures belong squarely to the American sitcom as it devolved into cynicism. The high notes of Mary Tyler Moore and Golden Girls were achieved in spite of muddy cutouts like Betty White. The social relevance of every sitcom that followed was twilighted in my opinion by Oliver Stone’s brilliant parody of American television in Natural Born Killers.

Seeing Betty White on SNL reminded me of attending a celebration of another show business icon Shirley Jones. Both larger than life, both admirably spry, and both masters of well-honed chops, but we’re talking pork chops, with no more hue than the rosy cheeks of Paula Dean. Luminescent as they come, Jones could emote with a twinkle, but that didn’t make her Lena Horne. I know, apple pie is not an art medium.

Betty White can play the ditz or calculating shrew. Where else was SNL going to go with her but convalescent home vamp? I’m not sure the jokes made at the expense of her muffin weren’t clammier than Alec Baldwin’s Schweddy Balls. Hohoho, the ultimate promise of the boob tube.

Like surviving veterans of the wars quickly receding in our memories, White deserves honors rekindled with every new generation. Like the soldiers’ contributions, I’d say her deeds in particular were forgettable. We don’t ask our aging vets to reenact their killings. Bad jokes are worse than reenacted, they’re swung around afresh.

Leave Betty White to shill for candy bars, she’s part of America’s cultural pantheon and deservedly so. Laugh track optional.

Leave it to pirates to run honest bourse

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Leave it to pirates to run honest bourse

rocket propelled grenade RPG-22With investment bankers trying to weasel another broker’s percentage from a carbon-credit trading system, comes a living example of rudimentary venture capitalism. In Haradheere, Somalia, there’s a stock market for pirates, by comparison, something benefiting all participants.

The pirate’s market is no middleman’s monopoly. It works just like the collectives of investors who floated Britain’s privateers and the Dutch East Indies Trading Companies, just two examples of crown-sanctioned adventure-mercenary conquerors. Had you wondered why the definition of “float” includes the economies participant to navigational buoyancy?

Got a boat, a weapon, a tip on an incoming treasure galleon? Invest the pirates with your contribution and reap a stake in the rewards. Every successive stock market since the formative times, from commodities, to insurance, to futures, etc, have well surpassed the illegitimacy and immorality of the seafaring pirate variety.

Sang the Pirate King in The Pirates of Penzance: Away to the cheating world go you, Where pirates all are well-to-do.

While the corporate media decries the savagery of the lawless Somali coastal enterprises, sophisticated traders descend upon COP15 to extort a cap-and-trade protection racket from a world desperate to arrest climate change.

The pirate bourse is a reminder of what purpose the stock markets used to play. If you had a money-making idea, and needed investors, that’s where you went. But to describe a business proposal as germinating from an idea, is to peddle platitudes defining entrepreneurship as being about intellectual innovation. In practice, business opportunities chiefly present themselves from licenses obtained from the state, to operate lucrative monopolies. It usually takes the combination of disproportionate profits and manageable risk to interest wealthy investors.

I think I enjoy this Somalia juxtaposition particularly because Wall Street can’t get a piece of the pirate action. Only those with real pirate commodities need apply. And of course, only those financiers brave enough to circulate in a “pirate’s lair” like Haradheere. So the suddenly infamous Dalsan Bank of Haradheere is basically for scrappers and warlords only, and certainly no whites need apply, unless it’s to be ransomed.

Here’s a snippet from yesterday’s Reuters article:

Piracy investor Sahra Ibrahim, a 22-year-old divorcee, was lined up with others waiting for her cut of a ransom pay-out after one of the gangs freed a Spanish tuna fishing vessel.

“I am waiting for my share after I contributed a rocket-propelled grenade for the operation,” she said, adding that she got the weapon from her ex-husband in alimony.

“I am really happy and lucky. I have made $75,000 in only 38 days since I joined the ‘company’.”

If it sounds like a personal testament for a get-rich-quick scheme, it is! But unlike the television infomercials, this bourse is grounded in providing a legitimate function in Somalia.

Note that the ransom from which Ms. Ibrahim expects to profit was paid for the release of a “tuna fishing vessel.” For those who want to judge the pirates like terrorists, the inconvenient characteristic about the Somali pirates is the role they play as coast guard for a national government not up to the task. Somalia’s inability to police its waters means that international boats visit to plunder the fisheries and dump toxic waste. Illegally, obviously. The fishing villages of Somalia suffer the most, and it’s from their workforces that the pirates recruit their expeditions. The pirates arrest the wrongdoers and assess large penalties and criminal fines before the lawbreaking crews are released.

Singin’ the Bail-out blues…

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..except nothing that ugly could possibly be put to music..

There’s a massive effort from the Far Right to blame the Liberals, blame the Working poor (whispered rumors are that it’s those MINORITIES) when the evidence has been staring us right in the face for all this time.

Infomercials on how to Get Rich Without Trying filled the late-night, early morning TeeVee…

The loans that were defaulted, turns out that not only most but the Vast Majority of them were to people who were speculating.

Not people who were buying homes to actually, you know, LIVE in them.

The “Flip that house” show is still on HGTV…

Buy a house at a flexible rate, wait while the real estate value goes up, then sell it at a profit.

The Infomercials promised that you could do this with “little or even NO money down! How could you possibly lose?”

Buy a house with no money, sell it a week later, pay off the balance of your mortgage and use the rest as paper collateral, “Cash Instrument” on another loan, preferably two, and do the same thing over again.

“How could you possibly lose?”

ummm… maybe by following the instructions, yeah, that’s a fast way to lose.

NOW, How Much Would You Pay? BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

these “Cash Instruments” essentially a post-dated check backed by an extremely ætherial government guarantee of payment…

then get used as collateral for secondary and tertiary levels of loans.

Now, the Republican-controlled Congress, (until January 07), top heavy with Harvard MBAs and even Doctorates in Economics, and of course the Investment Banks and the Brokerage Houses, for some reason now they’re saying they’re the victims, that none of them had the experience or the intellect to spot a Pyramid Scam in the works.

Especially not when given a 15 year head start on spotting it.

They say they were forced to give loans to Poor Risk (meaning: underpaid Minorities) customers, but neglect to mention that most of those owner-occupant houses didn’t default.

They also weren’t “required by Federal Law” to push the bank guarantees off onto the Speculators, in fact, they seem to be complicit in those crimes.

And all these Financial Experts, especially those in Congress, like McCain, have had their Corporate Sponsors spend Large Money telling us how vigilant they were over our economy…

WELL, DUH!!

So the most they can claim is Not Guilty By Reason of Massive Incompetence.

But they come, not hat in hand, not humbly, but Arrogantly, demanding that we pay their bills, with no questions and no oversight.

Because, so they say, they’re the only ones who have the competence and experience to do it.

my yass.

We’ve just experienced the full measure of their “Competence”

Then there’s the little matter of that Federal Insurance on the mortgages.

It wasn’t there. Why was that insurance not there?

Two Words: Eye Rack.

Seems Mr Bush, whose Grandpoppy, Poppy and brothers are all Bankers, has had a little Fancy Finance Finagling going on to “pay” the bills on that mess.

It makes the Treasonous Actions of Reagan, North, Poindexter Bush Sr Secord and Casey look like a trial run.

Which essentially it was.

This time instead of funding the Cuba Libre, the Contras, the Medellin Cartel, the Taliban, Hizbollah and al Qa’eda, it goes directly into the American Taliban in other words BlackWater, Halliburton and other more highly organized Terrorist Groups.

But they’re going to blame the entire collapse on a relative handful of low-budget homeowners.

Eat the Rich.

Celebrities to soothe airport terror anxiety

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In an airport the other day I overheard Connie Chung making an announcement. Our national threat level is elevated to Orange apparently, further precautions are necessary, etc, etc, please report any suspicious activity to the TSA.

Was that Connie Chung’s voice? Why? What was wrong with the usual anonymous voice paging John Smith, paging Mister John Smith? Was a celebrity voice necessary? Did her publicist get Connie the gig, was it a court ordered community service, or did the Department of Homeland Security feel a familiar yet authorative voice was a necessary means to ease passenger suspicion that they are the dupes?

So here was Connie Chung doing her part to calm the travelling masses being led to their ignoble fate of unreasonable suspicion. I don’t know why, I thought of Judas Goats in the slaughterhouses. Does Connie have to Fedex a recording to the TSA at each elevation of the Threat Level?

Now I remember seeing Homeland Security TSA infomercials starring a variety of famous comedians, playing on monitors above the first post-911 lines awaiting the beefed-up airport security. So you laugh off, or shrug off while laughing, the indignity of being told to take off your shoes for the inspectors. Most people bring flip-flops to the gym navigate the few steps from the locker room to the showers lest they contract someone else’s athlete’s foot. These same people are being forced to share foot fungus with thousands more public soles than they are accustomed.

As I was about to board the airplane, I was called out for an additional search by a TSA officer. By called out, I do not mean approached, nor addressed. He simply barked “Sir. Step over here.” He may have said please, I do not remember it in his abruptness. Instead I was looking beside me to see to whom he might have been addressing his command. Maybe I had come in after he had begun with a salutation as is customary when strangers initiate communication. Having seen no one beside me, I looked back at the uniformed TSA guy in time for him to shout “STEP OVER HERE!”

I’m of course only about to respond “Who? Me?” but he’s already talking over me shouting his order again. I was left with no option but to offer my hasty compliance.

I’d have to say I was too startled to fuss about his manners, and I was eager to get aboard the plane, but I would otherwise have loved to mess with this little tin-pot jerk.

I had no objection to being frisked again, or to having my bag searched once more for whatever items I may have purchased from Southland Corporation in the terminal after the last security check. But I will not be shouted at. No.

And my thoughts return to the celebrities trying to facilitate our compliance. I’m reminded of Tadeusz Borowski’s memoir of the concentration camps “This way to the Gas, Ladies and Gentlemen.”