This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
anna marenghi 🛸✨’s review published on Letterboxd:
This review may contain spoilers.
I know white girls go crazy for Venom Horse
The epitome of superhero movie slop. Embarrassingly bad. Most ChatGPT ass movie of all time. This cannot be a finished product. Laughably shit acting all throughout, plotlines that begin and end in individual scenes, caricature of a script with non-existent lighting, disgusting shot compositions and editing, and clearly unfinished and untextured VFX. All in service of an action comedy superhero roadtrip movie about an ugly man who canonically doesn't shower in days and stinks of piss - and his unfunny stupid alien fuck. I hate the symbiotes. Top three worst things about 90's Spider-Man alongside One More Day and the Clone Saga. Venom is a franchise that should never have happened. We are getting Sony-issued superhero slop about nothing characters until we die. I honestly respect their commitment to the bit, but when you make a movie where the main villain is literally some guy's dog?? Lmao. Lol even
But hey, I'm so glad that we as a society decided to say fuck paying the lighting-guy anything. I'm so glad that I as a colourblind person cannot actually see the fucking movie, because the end fight is just grey and the normally colourful alien freaks in the comics are all just various shades of grey. I'm so glad that we had a horde of random Symbiotes from the comics just show up at the end, all without names and all attaching themselves to literally un-named characters. Perhaps the funniest part of the whole movie is when a random side character that Dr Christmas (yes that is her name) talked to earlier in the film once, who had one line, gets knocked unconscious in the final fight before it cuts to a Symbiote escaping containment and we think oh it's gonna attach itself to her. But no. It attaches itself to a literal brand new character, and Dr Christmas' friend fucking dies. But that would be lying, because the actual funniest part of the film is how Venom shot down a plane and it is quite literally never mentioned.
But that would be lying, because the actual funniest part of the film is when the blue (??) Symbiote is getting questioned by General Angry Man and his friends about who Mr Evil Space Cunt is targeting, and takes a beat before saying "the black one". But that would be lying, because the actual part of the film is how there's a double super secret Area 51 hidden under Area 51... called Area 55. Even though that's not how A: the Nevada grid pattern works and B: how subsequent numbers work. But that would be lying... because the actual funniest part of the film is how we sit and watch a merry band of characters who quite literally do not matter sing 4/5ths of Space Oddity by David Bowie out of tune, and we have to sit for literal minutes with Tom Hardy hating it. Thanks I hate it too.
I honestly cannot wait to see what slop we get out of Kraven, the inevitable Sinister Six Where There Definitely Will Not Be Six Of Them Vs Null The Goo God, and whatever else they can mine from the content mines. Cinema is so fucking back. Another Sony Spider-Man I Guess banger. I never once laughed with the movie but laughed so hard at it. At a certain point it felt like I was bullying a kid, but honestly I would be completely justified in doing so. Stupid ass film in a stupid ass franchise made by a stupid ass company who loves pushing out stupid ass superhero slop on a plate. I cannot wait for more
Also the literal only character arc in the film is that Tom Hardy gets his shoes taken away from him on multiple occasions all so he can be barefoot. In one scene a guy pisses on his bare feet. It's honestly impressive how many different scenarios they put him in to make him go barefoot.
