If Matvei had a brother like mine, things might have turned out differently for him or... maybe not.

My older cousin is probably one of the smartest people I know, but for fuck's sake, he’s never given me any useful advice except for this one time. Almost a decade ago, after we finished school, we were hanging out at his place when he suddenly said, “Whenever you’re dropping your girlfriend home, and if her parents invite you in for a glass of water or something, just say, yes. Also, try to make this happen as early as possible when you start dating someone.”

I asked him why, and he just shrugged it off, saying, “Get to know them, nothing more.” I knew there was more to it, but I didn’t press further. At that time, I was single, so I didn't think much of it.

Fast forward 10 or 11 months, I started dating someone. One evening, she asked me to drop her home. As we reached her place, she asked if I wanted to come in and say hi to her parents. I declined, saying I was tired and would meet them some other day. Just as she turned to walk away, her father came out and insisted, “Come in, don’t go like that.”

I don't know what the fuck kind of supernatural state i was in, but time literally slowed down to a crawl for a second. I jumped out of my car like I was dying to meet her father. I ended up spending almost three hours talking to him and her mom. The entire time, she looked at me like her head was going to explode and tentacles were about to sprout from it.

That was the first time she got really mad, and the reasons were as follows:

1. “Why the fuck did you eat so much? I thought you were full a moment ago.”

2. “I thought you were tired and sleepy. What happened there? You never talk to my friends that much when we meet.” (To be honest, her friends are as dumb as mine. A simple “hmm,” “ok,” or “sure” are enough to answer all their questions.)

3. “And what was that about ‘Yeah, I’d love to go on a weekend trekking trip with you, uncle’? You don’t even answer my calls on weekends until you emerge from your temporary coma at 3 in the afternoon you dickhead.”

There were a few more things she was upset about, but I can’t remember them now. The point is, she wasn’t happy. Perhaps because I actually followed through on all the promises I made to her father! 😂

As for Matvei, he wasn’t as lucky, smart, or equipped with a brother like mine. Otherwise, over a friendly conversation while sipping tea, he could’ve asked Olya’s father how much he benches to gauge how hard he could hit or swing a fucking TV at his face. He might have casually inquired about the number of guns he had, his skill with power tools, or even whether his handcuffs were standard issue or fucking imported. Or, in true Russian fashion, he could have simply asked how crazy his daughter was and whether it was manageable. Maybe then he could have avoided the fate of breaking his personal best of 12 minutes in the empty…💀 at least, he should have tried.

In short, “Why Don’t You Just Die” is one of the best dark comedies of all time. The pacing, in my opinion, sets a golden standard. This was my fifth watch, and it still feels like the first time.

Oh and ya, a year or so ago, I asked my cousin why he gave me that advice. He said, “Remember I was dating a girl back then? One day, I randomly joined her family for tea and her father asked, ‘So, are you friends with her boyfriend?’ He was confused at first, but as the conversation went on, he found out she was double dating and had told her family that he was her best friend 🤣. I know it isn't funny, but every time I think about it, I can’t help laughing my ass off 🤣.