Bunny🐰🪓’s review published on Letterboxd:
One of these days, I'm gonna kill myself.
On Saturday early morning, I decided to invite my friends over for the weekend. It had been a while since we all hung out, and this was our first gathering at my new place. The initial plan was to stay in and watch the 2nd test match, but since it was still raining and the day got called off, we just sat around talking about random stuff. One of my friends started poking around on my PlayStation, and we ended up scrolling through the media section. Out of 96 or so movies, for some reason, I went, "Yeah, let’s watch Hellraiser," thinking it was the original. Ten seconds in, I realized my mistake and said, "Let’s watch something else." But almost everyone insisted, "No, no, let’s watch this. We haven’t seen the remake."
And that’s how you end up playing a game of "Would You Rather" with yourself: Would you rather rewatch this entire movie with your friends, or jump off the balcony of your new apartment? I should’ve picked the latter... 🥲
First things first, I’d like to apologize to Rick Bota for constantly making fun of him and being too harsh. Our guy Rick assaulted this franchise in portions, slowly over multiple movies. But this motherfucker didn’t just kill it, he violated its soul. Even after the thing was dead, he kept poking it, asking the same question over and over again: “Hey, are you dead? Are you sure you’re dead? But are you dead, though?” Still, I’m pretty sure this was heavily influenced by the installments that came out after the first two movies, so sorry but not sorry, Rick. And fuck you again.
The movie opens with your standard day in a Hellraiser flick, someone gifts/gives something in a box, and that something (aka the cube) claims its first victim while hinting at where the plot will go. Fast forward, and we’re introduced to Riley, a lazy, kind-of-recovering drug addict and recently homeless (which she deserved, by the way), who decides to "get her shit together" by finding a job that pays more. And what job might that be? Oh yeah, rob someone... 😑. And you guessed it, it’s the cube. So, all hopped up on drugs, she starts messing around with the cube in a park. Then Pinhead appears (this is the exact moment when the moron train starts, and trust me, it goes from 0 to 200 km/h in a heartbeat). On a normal day, Pinhead would just claim her right there no questions asked. But this genius, for some reason, goes, "You slay, bitch... I’m gonna claim your brother instead." 😵💫 WHYYYYY? WHY, YOU DICKHEAD? Where are you from, the underworld or fucking Daily Wire, you bald Matt Walsh.
These things pretending to be cenobites are anything but. They hardly function as priests of Leviathan, and more like the mafia. What do you mean with all this “You do this for us, and we’ll do this for you” (said in a Russian accent). Since when did you start negotiating with your victims on subscription plans, Lament Plus, Leviathan Pro Plus Plus... 💀 What is this, Cenobites LL Fucking C? And since when did the cube turn into a literal weapon you can stab someone with to mark them as a target. And I mean mark anyone, even the cenobites themselves 🥴. What else are you gonna do to an entity that’s already one of you and can’t feel anything, give them a spa in a furnace or a full-body mani-pedi in a stone crusher.
And what’s up with being able to stop the cenobites with traps or doors? Last I checked, they could appear anywhere they wanted. And let’s just say you did find a way to imprison them in that lame-ass mansion-turned-cube you know a house is a three-dimensional object, right you moron...? Your base is still just concrete and cement. All of this is beyond brain-dead, and I’m not even exaggerating.
And what the fuck is up with that antique art collector guy? The way he was introduced made it seem like he knew almost everything about how the underworld or at least the cenobites functioned. How the fuck does he not know that even if, for some reason, he could control the cenobites or at least make them listen, it’s always gonna end in an eternity of pain and suffering. This is just pure nonsense and unnecessary brain rot that goes on for two fucking hours. Even if you ignore everything that I said above, a Hellraiser movie has no right to be this long no matter what. It’s a crime at this point.
So, the movie ended, and everyone started giving their thoughts. Most of them kind of liked it, but one of them looked at me, and we both went, “What the fuck was this shit? 😂" And then the argument started.
In our group of six friends, we've known each other for a really long time, some even since we were little kids. Naturally, we argue a lot almost every other day and we love it. But this group also represents the type of audience that would have watched this movie. Me and one of my oldest friends, who has seen all the Hellraiser movies, were on the same page. The others had either watched the original or one or two movies here and there, or were first-time watchers of anything from the franchise. Their opinion was, “It’s not that bad. You’re allowed to explore things how you want to and provide a breath of fresh air.” And sure, I’m all for that and matter of fact Inferno is a great example of how to do it. But that doesn’t mean you can just do anything with it. There are a set of rules laid out in the first two movies, especially the second one, which is why it’s the most important film of the franchise.
Let me break down something basic with an example. Imagine our golden boy Keanu Reeves came into contact with that cube and tried to open it, just to see what’s inside. Then the cenobites appear, one might say, “Oh, they should spare him, He’s such a nice guy.” But the cenobites don’t function that way, they’re going to claim you, no matter how saintly you are. Similarly, let’s say Keanu pointed a gun at one of “THE... Island People” and forced them to open the cube. The cenobites would still claim Keanu because he manipulated someone against their will. Sure, something horrible might happen to The Island People too, because... obviously they deserve it. But that’s up to the cenobites. It’s all about that particular moment, and the cenobites follow a set of rules. But what we have here are some assholes just going about shit as per God knows whose convenience. They don’t stand for anything, and that’s their biggest flaw. When you don’t stand for anything concrete, you’re not the Pinhead I fell in love with years ago, you’re just a round-headed pincushion. In the end all I can say is, FUCK OFF FILM.
Now, while I’m at it and there’s still one more day left in the month, I’m gonna end it with the work of the biggest dumpster fire of a guy named Michael Chaves next. Then I’ll go on a month-long spree of 4-plus star movies, because now I need to balance that ever-tilting scale back to the right.
Hellraiser Ranking:-
• Hellraiser (1987)
• Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)
• Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)
• Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)
• Hellraiser: Judgment (2018)
• Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (1996)
• Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)
• Hellraiser: Deader (2005)
• Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)
• Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)
• Hellraiser 2022
