Have you ever just been completely flabbergasted by the reactions people have to a movie? That rarely happens to me. I mean, I despise Spring Breakers but I've heard defenses for them and I get them even if I can never agree. I'm capable as a critic of seeing what people like in a movie usually even if I don't and vice versa.

Except. Here.

Prometheus baffles me. I have seen countless reviews extolling how intelligent it is. I've heard it's a film that pushes the boundaries of the genre. I've heard it's so exciting and unique. And I'm at a loss.

I need to start by saying I concede the movie has an interesting idea: What if we met God and he was actively hostile towards us? This is a great idea and in the hands of a filmmaker who wanted to pursue ideas it could've been spectacular. Unfortunately Prometheus comes from the idealess Ridley Scott, a filmmaker I'm at an utter loss on. Rather than a moving look at the question of human existence, we got this.

So what is it? It comes down to this in my mind: it's a monster movie and a bad one at that. It's a movie about an alien goo that...does something to people and there's worms and stuff. There's also a threat to wipe out Earth but really this is a monster movie. And look, there's nothing wrong with being a monster movie but you need rules. Part of what made Alien so great was there was a sense of rules. Here, the monsters do whatever because the script says so.

Making things worse are the characters. This movie is a hellish collection of horrible people who act not unlike drunken monkeys given new toys. The characters that aren't are either too passive (Shaw) or just plain useless to the story (Why the HELL was Charlize Theron in this movie!?! Seriously it's distracting to see a truly great actress in a nothing role.) Oh and Guy Pearce shows up to explain why old age makeup is a bad idea unless done by Dick Smith.

The movie also falls flat due to what should be its highlight. It's a big R-rated horror action movie so it should work as a horror movie, right? No, not at all. None of the horror is at all effective and I know why. This movie is lit like a Holiday Inn. There is more light here than in most feel good movies and while it's honestly a really gorgeous movie, it's just not scary or exciting.

And really the movie's big idea gets lost. This is a movie about confronting God. The movie has next to nothing to do with that really and it doesn't say anything about it. It's window dressing ultimately.

(Let me pause here to note that yes, I'm aware some of my complaints can be fixed by watching the extended edition. I don't care. I've read what the scenes are and nope, they don't fix my issues.)

The movie does have virtues. Fassbender is incredible. As I said, it looks great. The opening scene is incredible. But, I've had 5 years and several chances to reevaluate it. I'm sorry, this movie is dreck.