What a difference 11 years makes. I'll tell you what those 11 years did for me- it made me extremely nostalgic for the 1990's. I thought I was the only one who would be. But, clearly, a reboot of Scream is what everyone's been clamoring for the past half of this almost-half-over current decade (and what we have to show for it other than Justin Bieber controversies and Frozen-inspired Rap Battle videos on YouTube, I couldn't tell you). (By the way, isn't YouTube almost 10 years old now?) There's just one thing about this whole deal that perplexes me: do people want a real Scream movie? Or just something that has the Scream brand name on it (with Trademark Symbol and all)? Because... come on, you guys. You know this isn't Scream. You do know that... right? Now, that seminal scene of the Bitchy Cheerleader and her slightly Less Bitchy Best Friend gabbing in the bathroom is over 70% of this movie. Without the benefit of being clever pitch-black commentary. On anything. At all.

If you actually saw Scream, you would know that that scene was not glorifying the behavior of Stupid Girls Everywhere- it was basically putting that behavior on trial. (Probably because that's not what people really wanted the next president's America to be... Whoops!, right?) Now, every girl is the Cheerleader and every guy is the two unnamed jerks in Principal Himbry's office. How's that for meta? But... do you want to know what the problem with that is? That is literally any millennial horror film. Pick one. Any one you'd like. People aren't people anymore. They're all bitchy bobbleheads with one-liners and "snappy" dialogue. And, if you follow me, you've heard all this before. Many times. I'm offended that I have to rehash all this again. Whatever this is supposed to be, Final Destination already did it. And, over the course of 5 films, fully studied the landscape of Dumb Movie Characters (from 3 different Presidential administrations) in so much as any post-Scream slasher film could.

Why do I bother to take this critical junction in discussing a late-arriving Return to Franchise sequel? Because, if you remember Scream 2 and 3, you would remember that Sidney's Character Arc was already fully complete. When you scrape the bargain basement meta off this pile of garbage, what is it actually about? Rehashing every single thing the past sequels already fully dealt with. Then subsequently, rightly, buried. I get that lots of people were disappointed with Scream 3. But, like it or not, that is the official end of the trilogy. There is no fucking cousin. There is no bullshit "Sidney will now relive her Old School" (yes... the fucking movie actually uses that phrase in reference to the "legendary" crimes of Billy and Stu- which, by the way: so not the fucking point of that entire section of the first movie) (or Mrs. Loomis being in the second at all) "Woodsboro Days through the next generation." And there sure as hell is no "The Whole Town is Mad at Sidney because the Murders are Starting Up Again." Of all the piss poor ass reasons to shoehorn her character into another goddamn go-round with "Ghostface" (who is not really supposed to be a character in his/its own right, it just keeps working out that way thanks to Roger Jackson's voice), that is the worst.

This is easily the worst Scream 4 that could have been made. It is every single thing a Scream film should never be. It's flaccid. It's masturbatory. It's hackneyed. It rips off Scary Movie 3 without so much as a wink. That's right, kids: this sequel to Scream rips off a Weinstein-produced sequel to a Weinstein-produced spoof of a Weinstein-produced...yeah, you get it already. But, guess what? That scene is infinitely more clever, timely, and meta than this pointless sequel. And, most irritatingly of all, this is barely a redo of the 3rd film which apparently is the only reason it exists. When you criticize remakes, Kevin Williamson, then you do a terrible remake of your own good film- it's extremely difficult to give a damn about anything you say. "Don't fuck with the original," indeed, Scream 4.

(By the way, I'm not really going through a Pink phase or anything. I just have to give her credit for that amazing music video.)