I have never seen the original which I really thought was going to help me accept this remake at face value but it turns out that it didn’t help me whatsoever. Now I just have to watch the original if only to cleanse my entire being after watching something like this. You would be amazed at how many one line reviews I had cooked up for this thing but it’s bad enough that I need to talk about it some. Never reaching the point where I’d call it incompetent, it certainly knows it’s remaking a beloved cult favorite from the 90s and wants to create a vibe with whatever they have. The problem is it finds a way to be incredibly grating with every piece of dialogue and most of the acting while being a complete snooze simultaneously. Looks like a great cologne advertisement for about 70 percent of the runtime.

When it comes to overtly sad, mad or otherwise anti-hero’s with some problems I usually always gravitate towards it. You add in that he’s wearing a duster with no undershirt, eyeblack and walks through a rain soaked city well then he’s kind of infringing on my territory. My culture is NOT a costume and some of us are out here living it for real without having to get all Jared Leto Joker tatted up only to do a Pete Davidson on testosterone replacement therapy impression like we got here. Fair play to Skarsgård because he looks pretty enormous but I’m hoping he saved every ounce of energy for Nosferatu. The first 40 minutes is such a commitment to some of most laughable relationship building ever yet I almost respect their commitment for playing it so seriously. It’s really just the same energy that the most popular high school couple would have as they’d be acting so toxic and manic while doing some shit like these two here. Almost makes you think what if Danny Huston wanted them dead not because of some phone video but he just thought they were annoying as fuck and super cringe. 

Saw Volker Bertelmann did the score that’s really working overtime, maybe the only aspect of the movie that’s consistent with some sort of vibe. Even the songs within the soundtrack made no sense to me. Thankfully I had two other friends with me in a nearly empty theater on a Saturday night because it took all of our combined powers just to stay awake. Tough scene here and you should definitely avoid in my opinion, one of the worst of the year.

2024 Ranked