i was expecting a hell of a lot from this film but i was NOT expecting a spy thriller

queen coppola ranked

Watched on Tuesday October 20, 2020.

how did this film come into being? did they start off by saying 'lets make a film about a porn where its important to follow the story'? did they say 'lets get ryan gosling and just fucking uhhh'? did they say 'lets have a really funny detective story and weigh it down with a child to give it a strange patronising moralistic undertone it didn't need'? im gonna be honest with you i think it started with 'lets get ryan gosling and just fucking uhhh.'

constantly reminds you how high hill house set the bar and constantly reminds you how far away its falling from it. for me just falls flat under the weight and pressure of its bigger better sibling

nope, i like the approach to the subject matter but this just feels exploitative

2 things:
i) if only steve buscemi did live forever
ii) if only steve buscemi did chain himself to a refrigerator so that he would never have had to appear in this movie

recommend to anyone that hasn't seen this and recommend to the creators of mamma mia 2 who, also, have not seen this

its cherless though. cherfree. without a cher in the world. cher she goes. no cause for cherlabration. breathing with no cher. idk her cherabouts.

i, for one, enjoy fun

This review may contain spoilers.

☺️😬😬😬😬👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩😬😬😬🔪☠️

only ❤️ thing ❤️ that ❤️ could ❤️ make ❤️ those ❤️ dead ❤️ mouse ❤️ sculptures ❤️ more ❤️ beautiful ❤️ is 💖 stuart 💖 littles 💖 corpse✨✨

This review may contain spoilers.

imagine literally spending an entire year thinking that your wife won't speak to you and no adult will even look at you, but reconciling yourself that at least youve found a friend in a 9 year old child that sees dead people. karen if you're reading this please let me see my children, billy says its what your grandmother would have wanted.

as much of an emotional gut-punch as this film is it also has ryan gosling saying the line 'wowwww where are we, huh? we're inside a robot's vagina' so really i think it balances itself

scott: 'evil ex boyfriends'
ramona: 'exes'
scott: 'why do you keep saying that?'
*enter roxie richter*
scott: 'her?'

This review may contain spoilers.

kind of awkward when you invite a dude in for a shag at like 10pm and he runs off to buy a diary instead without telling you. and he knows the exact route to the diary shop and everything, this isnt his first precoital journal adventure

i dont see what the appeal is in watching jim carrey 24/7. if it was ryan gosling i would get it but it is not

this film didnt DESERVE ryan gosling, he and his melted tubs of haagen daz dodged a bullet

every single day i want to give sofia coppola a warm beautiful hug for this warm beautiful film and how much it means to me

no homo but ah! to be in john travolta's* arms

*young john travolta thank you

maybe it just didnt

click

its like if someone listened to abba and made mamma mia about a heroin addict

Watched on Thursday September 24, 2020.

Watched on Tuesday September 22, 2020.

Watched on Tuesday September 22, 2020.

Watched on Monday September 21, 2020.

This review may contain spoilers.

bigger anti climax than edward breaking the bed in breaking dawn: part 1

to recap: a bunch of people stood out in the snow and said 'we could fight but... you know what? fuck it lets just go home im not even that bothered anymore' and thus the twilight saga ended on the same cold and sterile note it began

Watched on Thursday September 17, 2020.

ill admit cluedo sounds fucking stupid when you admit wheres waldo sounds fucking stupid

mr. kaufman has, yet again, had a good idea and mr. kaufman has, yet again, failed to deliver on it.

Watched on Friday September 11, 2020.

thank you, stephanie meyer, for teaching the kids that sex has consequences 🙏🙏

thank you, bill condon, for making a 117 minute film about it ⛪⛪

thank you, CGI people, for absolutely fucking nothing 👶🏻👶🏻

im only rating this so highly because i am in awe of an AUDACIOUSLY uncomfortable 10 minutes in an already notoriously uncomfortable series

you ever just 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ have a family gathering 🧚‍♀️🙏👯👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 and invite your girlfriend 👰👸💃who gets a papercut 👀👀 and loses an excessive amount of blood from it and bleeds all over the carpet ❤️❤️❤️ and then your bros sniffing the blood 🥵🥵 and tries to murder your girlfriend 🤔💃💯 and so then you fucking yeet her into a wall to protect her (?) 🛷🎯😧😳🤪 like 'NO bro please do not murder my girlfriend' 🚫⛔🚫⛔🚫🚱 but you accidentally push your girlfriend into a conveniently placed pile of glass vases 🍸🍷🍸🍷meaning you slit her entire fucking arm open 🙋🙋‍♀️🙋‍♂️🍰so you just stand there looking stoned and constipated and bored for about a minute 😐😑😎😩 right guys 💪💪💋 hahahha because me fucking neither

vertical cinema? *insert jerry seinfeld squirming his way out of a hug from ke$ha and saying 'yeah, no thanks'*

edward: i want to eat you.
bella: 😌💦💦
edward: no no i want to eat you eat you. i actually want to eat you.
still bella: 😌💦💦

just watched the reunion table read and had a huge smile on my face literally the whole way through. i love this film to death.

donate to water for people!

Watched on Monday July 20, 2020.

to paraphrase michael scott- i love the film! but im not sure it's a good film. and also, im not sure if i love the film.

either watch this or watch the full film- unless you're madly in love with one there's no need to watch the other because they're the exact same. they're good, but it all gets a bit too tiring once you've seen it all.

im so glad this is here its incredible

im gonna write up some comprehensive notes on all the characters in this film that were likeable:
-lily was quite charasmatic, but was strangely ambivalent and encouraging towards the creep telling her he broke into his exes home and stood silently watching her have sex with another man. actually it could be a strech to call her likeable
-other blonde girl that silently shook her head and walked away when aforementioned creep tried to apologise for being aforementioned creep: ✅😊
-

some notes on woody allens $153M earning historical fanfiction:
-nice 10 second guitar piece. please dont loop it over the entire movie and in every single scene ever again!
-owen wilsons voice is incompatible with me being able to take him seriously. it is at once, his greatest strength and his greatest weakness.
-owen wilson looking ernest hemingway dead in the eyes and saying 'my wife is pretty sexy' in a line delivery a la christopher walken was strange and unsettling, more please!
-this devolved into an exercise in tedious and obnoxious name dropping. thank god everyone in the 1920s conveniently referred to each other exclusively by their first and last names or i would have had just no idea that that man was salvador dali!!!
-the themes here are very nice and are wonderfully romantic and charming, all credit where credits due there, except theres no single hint of subtlety or skill, by the end youre beaten over the head with the films messages so relentlessly that i think yeah! you know what, maybe the 1920s would be a nice place to be because at least then i wouldn't be watching woody allen jerking off to his 'famous people alive in 1920s' google search. that was harsh, and unnecessarily vivid- its a nice film!

this film is 151 minutes!!! why are so many family movies so long?! i do not have the attention span for this film today, i certainly did not 14 years ago.

but its good! a complete fucking drag occasionally, but otherwise better than I'd remembered. Surprisingly most of the moments I'd remembered from the Pirates franchise actually came from this movie, so i cant shit all over it.

will be checking back tomorrow to make sure i actually did watch this and it wasnt just a wildly elaborate fever dream

of course the coen brothers are talented, i will not deny it!! with so much happening and such an all star cast, you simply must have some skill to make a movie this boring.

elle fanning speaks: wow, incredible!
elle fanning whispers: wow, incredible!
elle fanning moves: wow, incredible!
elle fanning scowls: wow, incredible!
elle fanning laughs: wow, incredible!
elle fanning cries: 🥺🥺😢😢😭
elle fanning campaigns for nuclear disarmament: wow, incredible!
elle fanning exists: wow, incredible!

thank you for reading my poem.

This review may contain spoilers.

philip: pOPS IF YOU HAD ONLY HEARD THE SHIT HE SAID ABOUT YOU wait why are you dressed all in black?! is someone dead???
hamilton: not yet 😉😉😉😏

congratulations to rachel mcadams, her entire wardrobe and hair departments, the writers of 'jaja ding dong' and the 5 seconds of nadja the vampire. you were all sensational!!!! and well done to everybody else that was a part of this and still has a job!! i promise you were part of a movie that is definitely, absolutely, indisputably, passably entertaining and watchable.

but sometimes the world just needs passably entertaining and watchable to rally around and mock together, and when we don't have the eurovision song contest to do that, we can at least attempt to fall back on the not-the-eurovision-song-contest-but-it-violently-and-heavy-handedly-pokes-at-the-same-itch the movie.

under any other circumstances: very bad!
under these circumstances: still very bad! but its a slow year for cinema and im in a eurovision mood today

so this movie has a 3 star rating here. unsurprising! it is, very often, a very bad film. but i like it. i like it a lot in fact.

to be totally honest the main draw of this film for me is its style. i mean its sensational. its inject-this-movie-into-my-bloodstream levels of stylish, and i think about shots like this and this and this a hell of a lot.

lea seydoux is an icon and raises the movie a million levels. she gives an exceptional performance a bond film like this almost doesn't deserve, and she oozes style effortlessly. i cant wait to see her return.

christoph waltz, who should in any conceivable world be the perfect casting choice for the big menacing behind-it-all bond villain is remarkably unremarkable and bland, and is the biggest let down and weakness of the movie (maybe tied with the script, which is to be held at least partly accountable for the completely flat character.) i just dont know what happened here, when hans landa to me is one of the great performances and a masterclass in acting. christoph im not even mad, just disappointed, and i think that's worse :((

coming after the masterpiece that skyfall was this movie is wild and kooky and bizarre (there are many more tentacles than anyone would have bargained for in the opening credits), and its drenched in painful straight-faced mellodrama. but i actually fucking love it because it is wildly stylish, and its movies like this that prove sometimes it can be criminally easy to please me.

2 entire stars for the way stanley tucci called kristen bell a slut

i very often think about the striking similarities between this movie and the story arc in the office in which michael becomes disenchanted with dwight after andy has been convincing him that hes untrustworthy in an attempt to gain the second-in-command position, to which dwight is forced to leave the office and then in dwights absence michael realises that andy is no better and has cunningly usurped the position, and really it was dwight that really cared for michael and was there for his needs all along and that he had been blind to it. unfortunately only one of these has ed helms violently punching a hole in the wall to a chorus of his own a capella rendition of rockin robin, so really please you decide which is better.

because if anyone can make me feel for bored and lonely white capitalists it's my queen sofia coppola

1. Somewhere
2. Marie Antoinette
3. The Virgin Suicides
4. On the Rocks
5. Lost in Translation
6. The Beguiled
7. Lick the Star
8. A Very Murray Christmas
9. The Bling Ring

Harley you better eat up your spot while it lasts because a million better films are coming for you honey xx
edit 1: except...onward?
edit 2: and downhill
edit 3: also gretel and hansel
edit 4: justice league. gasp, another bad year for dc
edit 5: artemis foul

1. On the Rocks
2. The Hunt
3. The Invisible Man
4. Underwater
5. Love Wedding Repeat
6. Shirley
7. Scoob!
8. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga
9. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs. the Reverend
10. Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpion's Revenge

...plus 9 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

its exactly tf you think it is, every film i ever log goes here, excluding tv things and shorts.
sometimes where theres a few films in a series i wont use all of them, but at least one.

• Scream
• Cobain: Montage of Heck
• Bram Stoker's Dracula
• Crimson Peak
• Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
• A Ghost Story
• Phantom Thread
• The Lighthouse
• The Dark Knight Rises
• The Room

...plus 492 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

im bad at logging shorts here, so ill update more as i remember them :)

1. 2:30am at a 7-11 near Disney World
2. Vincent
3. Love, Death & Robots: Beyond the Aquila Rift
4. Angel
5. It Was On Earth That I Knew Joy
6. Necktie
7. Love, Death & Robots: Zima Blue
8. Pauline
9. Jack-Jack Attack
10. i thot i wuz free

...plus 27 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

in conclusion: every working actress in hollywood needs to watch the fuck out because samara weaving and maika monroe are coming for you, and i am now completely worn out from the gasp-theres-someone-in-the-basement-that-changes-everything device, thanks 2019, new plots in 2020 please

1. Portrait of a Lady on Fire
2. Saint Frances
3. Monos
4. Marriage Story
5. Ready or Not
6. 1917
7. Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood
8. Villains
9. El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie
10. Jojo Rabbit

...plus 45 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

1. Portrait of a Lady on Fire
2. My Life as a Zucchini
3. It Was On Earth That I Knew Joy
4. Pauline
5. Water Lilies
6. Tomboy

1. All Good Things
2. The Place Beyond the Pines
3. The Big Short
4. Blue Valentine
5. Drive
6. Blade Runner 2049
7. First Man
8. The Nice Guys
9. The Notebook
10. Song to Song

...plus 3 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

it's my colours list but... smaller and with much less irritating upkeep

• Spirited Away
• Irreversible
• I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House
• Ex Machina
• La La Land
• Beetlejuice
• Ready Player One
• Onward
• Last Days
• Corpse Bride

...plus 50 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

1. Inglourious Basterds
2. Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair
3. Reservoir Dogs
4. Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood
5. Pulp Fiction
6. Django Unchained
7. Jackie Brown
8. The Hateful Eight

(okay but- fucking. gorgeous. posters.)

1. The Lobster
2. Alps
3. Dogtooth
4. The Favourite
5. Kinetta
6. Necktie
7. The Killing of a Sacred Deer

1. Irreversible
2. Climax
3. Love
4. Enter the Void

• Kill Bill: Vol. 1
• Ready or Not

• Shock Treatment
• The Death of Stalin
• Us
• American Psycho
• Rear Window
• The Goonies
• Life of Pi
• I Am Legend
• The Nice Guys
• The Wolf of Wall Street

...plus 9 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.