• Hansel & Gretel

    Hansel & Gretel

    ½

    One of those films you watch as a kid and gets buried in your subconscious, for good reason.

  • The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

    The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

    Just reading the premise I can already tell that this will be the greatest film of all time

  • Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey

    Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey

    I suddenly have a more positive view of public domain laws

  • Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    ★★★★½

    1. Holdo doesn't tell Poe the plan because it's literally established in the first fifteen minutes of the film the First Order is inexplicably able to track the Resistance fleet through hyperspace, alluding to a possible mole. The only time they ever encounter each other is when they are surrounded by other Resistance members, which isn't really the ideal place for long-winded divulgence about escape plans.

    2. Luke igniting his lightsaber for "a brief solitary second" upon seeing a vision…

  • Morbius

    Morbius

    The movie Sony Pictures doesn’t want you to see

  • The Gringo Papi

    The Gringo Papi

    ½

    The Gringo turned himself into a Papi, funniest shit I ever seen

  • Oppenheimer

    Oppenheimer

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    It brings me absolutely zero joy to say that I found Oppenheimer to be disappointing - not hugely, but definitely not as airtight, percipient, or transformative as its almighty 89 Metascore or current 4.4/5 score on here would suggest. The subject matter here is incredible, and seeing a nine-digit budget go toward a film that includes Oppenheimer, Heisenberg, Bohr, Einstein, and Feynman is very satisfying if you're like me and like to spend inordinate amounts of time reading about fascinating…

  • The Batman

    The Batman

    The amount of likes on this review is the amount of people who believe Paul Dano will get beat up in this film

  • Scott Walker: 30 Century Man

    Scott Walker: 30 Century Man

    ★★★★

    What is the best part of this movie:

    Is it when 3/5 of Radiohead and Bowie show up in a single scene?

    Or is it when Scott instructs a percussionist to punch a slab of pork again and again until he gets the sound “right”?

  • BioShock

    BioShock

    If this sucks it will be like if I had a cousin who I told my friends was so cool and awesome for years finally introduced himself in real life to my friends and shit his pants in the first interaction with them

  • The Tragedy of Macbeth

    The Tragedy of Macbeth

    ★★★

    Macbeth for people who like The Lighthouse more than Macbeth.

    You can tell a lot of the actors don’t really feel confident reading the Shakespearean dialogue, much less conveying it in a way that is not only consistent with the current psychological state of their character but the piece as a whole and playing off of each other. Many opt for naturalism, which ironically as an acting style developed by Stanislavsky with the advent of psychology in the early 20th…

  • The NeverEnding Story

    The NeverEnding Story

    ★★★½

    False advertising

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