bee ✧˖°.🍉’s review published on Letterboxd:
tw: attempted suicide
update:
shortly after my attempt yesterday, i began experiencing symptoms of an overdose and i waited for the darkness to settle in and wrap me forever in its eternal slumber.. yet it didn’t come.. the past 24 hours have been hectic for me, as this is the most vulnerable & foolish i’ve ever been, whether it was the decision i made to overdose and having to deal with the physical consequences (minus the lethality)- or reaching out to my close ones, having an extensive therapy session that made me feel bad for my therapist and even pouring all my emotional baggage on here.. i feel so guilty. but alas, i’m still here..
i’m still here.. :(
i wanted to thank you.. those of you who reached out. i was- and still am- overwhelmed by the response and kind words of encouragement that you have left. i had to reread them a over and over to comprehend them and believe that they were real- and not my brain playing tricks ob me. it sounds ridiculous, i know, but i’ve yet to heal all the self-hate that as you read, continues to tremendously torment my very existence.
on another note, i’m sorry. i’m sorry you had to see me like this, at my very lowest, i hate that you had to see this side of me. when i’m so in deep with my heavy feelings and they become too much to carry around, and weight my heart down, i attempt to end them the only way i know: by dying. as any person overthrown by their negative emotions would, i made a stupid decision. i’m sorry for wasting your time. i’m sorry if worried or scared you. i’m sorry i kept you waiting for so long. i’m sorry. i truly am. your words of support & care truly touched my heart and mean so, so much to me.
unfortunately, depression, like a terminal illness, is difficult to cure. i cannot promise that yesterday’s attempt will be my last, nor that i will heal anytime soon, as i am in a very deep pit of depression at this point in my life. but let it be known that i love everything this community has given me, an internet home that understood me more than any person in my life ever did.
i think, for now, i’ll try going back to the sense of normalcy i had in my online presence, as watching films and engaging with like-minded individuals who get it, while not healing me, does provide a temporary escape. again, thank you so much for making me feel less alone, i love you all, and i appreciate you. i really do.
- bee
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