The Bachelorette recap: Toxic men tell all

Welcome back, rose lovers! We made it through four hours of The Bachelorette — and we're down to the final two men.

Let’s recap!

Fade in on the Tealight Candle Thunderdome. Our handsome host, Jesse Palmer, strides on stage as the guys lead the crowd in an appreciative chant: “Jesse! Jesse! Jesse!” After the crowd simmers down, Palmer introduces the men — several of whom have made CHOICES with their jewelry.

I guess Sam M. has to head out to Mordor after this. Before Palmer gets to rehashing all the drama with the guys, he throws it back to Hawaii, where Devin just showed up at Jenn’s door for a surprise chat. As you probably recall from last night’s episode, Devin is spiraling because Jenn didn’t say “I love you” back — which either means she is not going to choose him or (more likely) that Devin has never seen this show before. “This is probably the end for me,” he says in his voiceover.

Jenn will be the judge of that, sir. Let’s listen in to their convo.

Look, I get that Devin is upset and nervous, but MAN does it take him a long time to express his point. “I’m just in a weird headspace with my feelings,” he says. “I haven’t been the priority in so many of my relationships… I feel like I’m the safe option for you because I am the way I am. I feel like I’m wanted here but I don’t feel like I’m needed here, and that scares me. Because I risked everything for you. My feelings, my sanity. I want to get to the end, but I don’t know how to get there with you right now — that’s not for lack of feelings. I love you… Proposals are next week, and I still don’t know where your head's at, and that scares the [bleep] out of me.”

Jenn listens, her face registering various levels of concern. When she speaks, she apologizes to Devin for not “reassuring” him. “I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship,” she admits, choking up. “I want to do that for you… I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here.” Girl, just say “I love you”! It’s ok to say it to two finalists — just ask Ben Higgins!

Welp, all that’s left now is for Jonathon to be sent home. You know I’m not jumping the gun, rose lovers — Jenn has now told two of her three finalists that she loves them. Clearly, the odd one out is getting the boot. Rose ceremony roll call! And our final two are… Devin and Marcus, of course. They each hug Jonathon goodbye, and Marcus whispers a few extra words of support.

Okay, that’s pretty sweet. If ABC hadn’t already named Grant the Bachelor, I’d be in full #TeamJonathon mode right now. As he bids farewell to Jenn on the Bye Bye Bench™, Jonathan chides himself for being a “slow burn,” adding, “I think you were perfect for me, and I wasn’t perfect for you.” Ooof, poor guy. That said, it’s highly unlikely that Mr. Jonathon Johnson is going to be single for long. In any case, it’s time to welcome him to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome!

Looking good, sir. Also looking good? Brett, Bachelor Nation’s big, burly sweetheart. While Jenn sent him home night one, the 28-year-old from Pennsylvania got a lot of love in his DMs, some of which get thrown up on the big screen. Some are normal (“You are suchhh a stud”); some are decidedly not (“Hi, do you do foot content?”). The big old lovebug handles it with class and humor: “I do not do foot content — yet.” GET THIS MAN ON PARADISE, STAT!

Oh, hooray. It’s time for the drama montage — which, of course, features a supercut of Sam M. saying “keep the main thing the main thing” and “ferocious love.”

Ugh, I am so sick of all these guys. If I never have to see Aaron Erb’s smug face and his stupid statement pearls again, it’ll be too soon. But Palmer kicks off the discussion by asking him to explain his decision to drop a “wrong reasons™” bomb on Jenn on his way out the door. Aaron says he was trying to warn Jenn about Sam N. (the “love virgin,” for those of you with memories as short as mine), and… Spencer?

Hell yeah, Hakeem. I second that “WHAT?” Honestly, Aaron’s explanation is pretty lame — he says it seemed like Spencer wasn’t “fully healed” from his broken engagement — but honestly, all he wants is more camera time. And bro, no one — and I mean ABSOLUTELY NO ONE — believes your claim that when you gave Devin that (fake) self-help book, you weren’t intentionally trying to recreate what happened to your brother on his season. Speaking of the better Erb…

Even he thinks Aaron acted like a d-bag. “Aaron, you’re my twin, we were in the womb together, but I don’t think the book’s the move,” he says. “I don’t think anybody should tell somebody that they are or aren’t read.” PREACH, better Erb!

Moving on. Palmer then pivots the discussion to Sam M. and his beef with Devin, who, of course, is not there to defend himself. It’s gross to give that controlling, obnoxious liar any more screen time, but at least the segment gives us this sick burn from the host:

Oh, and the burns just keep on coming. “Have you ever seen Mean Girls?” asks Jeremy. “And, like, Lindsay Lohan’s character claims she hates Regina George, but all she does is talk about Regina George? That was like Sam and Devin.” Clearly, Jeremy has studied the Bachelor Nation fandom — we do love a Mean Girls meme. Nice work, sir.

For his part, Sam M. says he wishes that his “delivery” would have been “better,” but he’s always been “all in or all out” when it comes to love. Can we be done with this guy now? Unfortunately, no.

Ugh. Of course, Sam M. gets a whole hot seat segment. Gross, but inevitable. After watching the montage of his “journey” on the show, Sam M. pretends to be chastened by his behavior. He also claims that he did, in fact, love Jenn — he just “fell short” when it came to expressing why he loved her. As for his comment that Jenn was “dull” in their final conversation, Sam M. wants the world to know that he was referring to the lack of energy and light in her eyes. Audience, are you buying it?

I didn’t think so. But Sam insists that he’s in full Learn and Grow mode. “All I can do is watch this and take the mistakes that I made in all of this, and make sure that I can correct them and apply them to the next relationship that stands in front of me.” Whatever, dude. Clear the couch — it’s time for Jonathon to take the hot seat.

HELL YEAH! Jonathon is headed to Paradise in 2025. Thank you, reality TV gods. Now do Brett!

Grant — a.k.a. the next Bachelor — shows up next. He’s “grateful” and “excited” for his “journey.” He seems like a nice enough young man, and the other contestants seem to genuinely like him — which is always a good sign. See you in January, bro.

Enough testosterone. Let’s get the woman of the (two) hour(s) out here.

Jonathon compliments Jenn’s dress and then thanks her for helping him grow as a person, or whatever. “You have such a big, big heart,” raves the Bachelorette. “And I’m happy to have crossed paths with you.”

That’s nice. But I’d much rather hear from Jenn about the guys who annoyed her — like Thomas N., for example. Jenn is still irked that he pulled Devin aside to yell at him in week 2. “You could have settled the drama later on,” she says, adding that she appreciated their night one conversation about growing up with immigrant parents. “Had you kept your focus on me, maybe the journey would have turned out a little bit different for you.” Thomas N. agrees. “If I could do anything back, it would be to not leave you alone and deal with Devin later,” he admits. “That was on me.”

Now for the good stuff: Jenn Tran is ready to GO OFF on Sam M. Cue the split-screen!

“I’m going say this in words that you’re going to understand, so I’m going to keep the main thing the main thing,” begins the Bachelorette. “I watched this back and saw how you interacted with all these men, huffing and puffing your chest everywhere… On top of that, with our relationship, everything was about you.” YAAAAS, JENN! Read him to filth!

The Bachelorette goes on to tear into Sam for having his friends and family make a bunch of posts online defending his “honor” on social media. “You’re a grown man!” she marvels. “Instead of taking accountability for your actions, you decided to blame it on the producers, the edit, the TV show, whatever it was.” PREACH, SISTER! The crowd LOVES it.

Jenn wraps up her rant by informing Sam M. that if he doesn’t grow from this experience, she will feel “very, very bad” for whatever unlucky woman he ends up with. “This denial is not going to work for anybody,” she says.

To his credit, Sam M. takes the beating in stride, but when he responds, it’s with his faux humility. “I definitely lost myself in some of those moments,” he says. “I wish I could go back and redo them, truthfully.” Sure Jan dot gif.

Somehow, the two hours are not over yet. When we come back from commercial, Jenn talks about being the first Asian Bachelorette, and how her mom “probably would have preferred if I didn’t become the Bachelorette” because she believes dating and intimacy should be “very, very private.” Though she and her mom have had “hard conversations every day,” Jenn says she’s proud to showcase her culture and stay true to herself.

Love it. Also love ABC randomly giving Charity and Dotun a trip to Greece. But I definitely do NOT love this quick shot of a dude in the audience holding a creepy horse-head mask — with absolutely zero explanation.

Shudder. That is the stuff of nightmares. Can we do bloopers now?  

Come on, random guy! “Jer-bear” may not be the best nickname, but it’s not vomit-on-the-street bad. Also, I really, really wish I didn’t know that Jonathon had a habit of farting during rose ceremonies. Blech.

How are there still 10 minutes left in this episode??? Is it me, or have we been watching The Bachelorette non-stop for the last week and a half? The final segment is dedicated to Hakeem, the man who stole our hearts with is animated reactions to wildlife. That’s the good news. The bad news is, these producers are so evil, they decided to have Palmer invite Hakeem to Paradise (yay!) — only to torment him with an EVEN BIGGER spider.

“Nah, I’m not doing this for no reason!” Hakeem cries, when a professional arachnid handler steps out on stage with a huge-ass spider in a glass jar. Of course, Team Bachelorette is not going to take no for an answer. The guys start chanting Hakeem’s name, and Jenn urges him to “do it for yourself.”

They finally wear Hakeem down, and the handler starts dumping the spider out of the jar onto Hakeem’s leg. “Grab that sh-- if I say ‘grab that sh--,’” Hakeem demands, as the creepy-crawly settles on his thigh. Okay, this sweet man has more than earned a spot in Paradise. Next summer cannot come soon enough.

Finally, we come to the end — featuring a long preview of Jenn’s “shocking” finale. The edit certainly makes it look like Jenn walks away from both Devin and Marcus, but we all know that's highly unlikely.

Welp, rose lovers, how are you feeling about the final two? And do you want to see Brett on Paradise? Let me know your thoughts on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin or on Bluesky at @kristengbaldwin.bsky.social.

The Bachelorette finale airs Tuesday, Sept. 3, at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.