Its been one of those days. Lately I have had to dig deep to find joy. I feel looking back it was so easy to find it then and now I spend my days in constant nostalgia wondering where I may find it that day.
I kind of gave up today. I kind of gave up looking and welcomed the dull ache of disappointment, regret and yes....a bit of anger at myself.
My husband was supposed to retire next year. I was counting the months, weeks, days and I'm sure when it got closer I would count the hours.
It doesn't look like it may happen.
When we first got married we dreamt of owning a little cabin where we would go on the weekends and enjoy nature starting in the spring and not stop until the first frost. We'd retire there and maybe even build more on the land to accommodate our grown kids.
Every time we would go camping at our favorite camp grounds (where every large boulder must have our children's foot prints on them) We'd admire all the people with rv's big and small and cabins nearby. Around the campfire we would dream out loud of "someday".
Our little dream of a cabin on a 5 acres or more of land became a dream of buying a small used RV and in it we would budget-travel all around the country with an extended stay in Florida where our kids and our future grandkids would meet and spend beautiful vacations.
Financially, it doesn't seem like it will happen. With the added responsibility of being the only ones caring for my elderly mom...an RV (even a tiny used one) and travel doesn't seem attainable. Time is ticking and revving by faster than I have ever felt it, and with the realization that there is more of my life behind me than ahead a slight panic rises up and tells me that these dreams that were so attainable, probable and sure....are just a misty wish that gets fainter by the day.
Tomorrow I will feel better with this new revelation; we are healthy for most part and looking forward to our daughter's wedding, our son is doing extremely well in college, and we are thankful for those blessings. But a pebble in your shoe is a pebble in your shoe...I cant help my feelings; I can't ignore them. I am tired and the monotony of caregiver life (no matter how loving and sweet it can be is still paired now with the knowledge that things will stay the same. Dreams will perhaps have to change. Today I feel like hiding, hanging a sign that says
"Out until I say I'm back so don't bother me", pulling the covers over my head, and sleeping until this feeling is gone.
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