LEXINGTON, MA—Describing him­self as “ter­ribly exhausted,” famed lin­guist and polit­ical dis­si­dent Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from com­bating the hege­mony of the American impe­ri­alist machine to try and take it easy for once.

WASHINGTON—According to the poll—which sur­veyed mem­bers of the judi­cial, leg­isla­tive, and exec­u­tive branches—9 out of 10 gov­ern­ment offi­cials re ported feeling “dis­il­lu­sioned” by the pop­u­lace and claimed to have “com­pletely lost con­fi­dence” in the cit­i­zenry’s ability to act in the nation’s best inter­ests.

« Invoquant une série de dys­fonc­tion­ne­ments gra­vis­si­mes remon­tant à 1777, Annin & Company, le fabri­cant du dra­peau amé­ri­cain, a annoncé lundi qu’il reti­rait de la cir­cu­la­tion toutes les mar­ques et modè­les de son pro­duit très popu­laire, à la fois sur le marché inter­na­tio­nal et inté­rieur. » Une (...)

Tourism offi­cials hope the acclaimed Danish director’s bleak vision of unset­tling sex­u­ality and brutal vio­lence will attract more vis­i­tors to their country.

LOUISVILLE, KY—The other week, I was this close to pick­eting in front of an abor­tion clinic, the mor­ti­fied teenager said, his eyes welling up with tears. I felt so ashamed, yet, at the same time, it was all strangely tit­il­lating.

NEW YORK——According to a source who wished to remain anony­mous, there is an inef­fable quality to the printed page that kid­nap­pers cannot get from its dig­ital coun­ter­part.

The fire was ruled an acci­dent after a tedious review of thou­sands of dig­ital photos doc­u­menting every second of the five hour party.

Mere days from assuming the pres­i­dency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, pres­i­dent-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a tele­vised address Tuesday that “our long national night­mare of peace and pros­perity is finally over.”
President-elect Bush vows that “together, we can put the tri­umphs of the recent past behind us.”
“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American his­tory that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years char­ac­ter­ized by unprece­dented eco­nomic expan­sion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sus­tained peace over­seas. The time has come to put all of that behind us.” (...)

Cousin Wattle, the offi­cial National Thanksgiving Turkey who was to have been par­doned by President Bush in an annual White House cer­e­mony that dates back to the Truman admin­is­tra­tion, is cur­rently being held without formal charges or access to legal counsel, White House press sec­re­tary Scott McClellan con­firmed Tuesday.

The eco­nom­i­cally dis­ad­van­taged seg­ment of the U.S. pop­u­la­tion pro­vided the deci­sive factor in another pres­i­den­tial elec­tion last Tuesday, handing con­trol of the gov­ern­ment to the rich and pow­erful once again. (...)

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