Too much sadness these days. I'm heart broken over the lost of so many young people in Norway. It's like a nightmare, you want to wake up but you can't, it's so real. When I start thinking about the pain of thoese parents who lost their children, my heart sinks in sorrow. For those parents this nightmare will last lifetime. The sorrow that rise from the unreturnable lost is like a cancer for the soul. Crazy man, if he believed in his ideology so strongly why he didn't die for it himself but he sacrificed others for his believes.  He was planing very carefully for 9 years. Why people find pleasure in planing evil? Sometimes I wonder why people have so much thrill in watching CSI, Criminal Mind,  or other series that in details explain the creativity of perfectly planed evil. We live in such a rotten world and the most rotten thing of all is the human heart. Now Anders Behring Breivik is well prepared and looking forward  to represent and defend his believes in public and on cord, throwing up all the madness from his twisted mind, but I think he should not be given that chance. Why should he have a chance to spread his evil idea publicly?...


It so sad when young people are dying. Last week a wonderful young girl in her early 20  from our church died losing her fight with cancer. She left a 4 year old son and grieving husband behind. Even do I know we will see her one day in haven, still, she will be missed.


Amy Winehouse was such a talented person. I highly respect her music and style. She had so much more  to give.


I don't want to write more about this.The sadness is overwhelming. I just wanted to post this short post in memorial of this young life's that didn't reach their fulness. You will be remembered.

A butterfly captures our hearts
from the moment they appear.

They are vibrant and graceful

as their presence lifts our spirits.

Gone much too soon,

they will never be forgotten.

A gift for such a little while,
your loss just seems so wrong,
you should not have left before us,
it’s with loved ones you belong. - Anonymous

Are we ready?

I'm looking all the photos, information and videos I can find about Japan and the big disaster that happen there. It all look like unrealistic Hollywood movie predicting the apocalypse. My brain can not process the information that this is real. I feel a trill and amusement seeing the big waves overwhelming the city... and than it hit me hard, the truth, that there is people crying out for help or already death in those houses, boats, cars...there are children inside, whole families, babies...Entire town of 10 000 people are gone in a second. My heart sink down, sadness overwhelmed me. How did they spend their last day before the earthquake? Did they worried about the finances, did they worried about not having car, or not prospering in the carrier, did they spend time with the loved ones telling them how much they love them? How many of them were believing in Jesus? Where they will be in eternity?:(

My friends that are not believing in Christ are  fearing the idea that the last days are coming. After this that happens in Japan and is happening all around the world you can not but think about the last days. It is all written in the Bible since long time ago:

 Matthew 24 

As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”

⁴ Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. ⁵ For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. ⁶ You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. ⁷ Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. ⁸ All these are the beginning of birth pains.

   ⁹ “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. ¹⁰ At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, ¹¹ and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. ¹² Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, ¹³ but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. ¹⁴ And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come....

 

Suddenly all of my worries and problems are vanishing in the light of the truth that Jesus is coming back. All I want it's to be ready for His coming to be faithful and to have my lamp burning for Him. Nobody knows when Jesus will come, only the Father knows. Maybe 100 years from now, maybe 500 years or maybe tomorrow. When Noah build the ark he was telling people about the big flood that will come and destroyed them if the don't repent and turn to God. But they didn't believed, they were laughing at him.On the end it was only Noah and his family that got saved. It will be the same in the last days.

I have a friend and she was so funny,some years ago she said to me : I don't want Jesus to come now, I want first to get married!:) I'm glad she is married now, but if we truly meditate on the idea that Jesus is coming to take us ( who are believing and following Him) as His bride together with Him in His joy, nothing, I mean nothing in this life and earth can be more beautiful and desiring then that.The apostles had that focus all the time.They were thinking that Jesus will come back soon, no wonder they were ready to give there life and nothing else took their attention except Christ Himself. And where is our focus?

Nobody knows when we will die, but it is sure we will all die one day.What if the tomorrow never comes for some of us? Yes, it is horrible idea but is so possible.

My town Skopje was flatten by earthquake many times in the history. The last time that happened it was around 48 years ago in  6 in the morning when people were sleeping...many of them never woke up.The city was flatten to the ground.We can pretty much understand the pain, lost and sorrow of Japanese people in this hard times.

I really hope and pray for myself , for my family and for others, that our hearts will be ready for His coming no matter when that will be.

In the bus

I waked early in the morning while the gray and rainy clouds were lingering over Skopje inviting my feelings to sail with them in the sea of glumness. I hide under the blanket, trying to enjoy the warmness of my nest just a few more seconds. I set the alarm on snooze 3 times in a row, losing my sense of time. Under the blanket in the darkens I 'm trying to remember what was I dreaming...what was I planing to do today?....what day is it today?!...what should I wear at work?...
Couple of minutes later I 'm in the bus on my way to work. The bus is older then me, dirty and dusty, I have strange feeling that I'm in Afghanistan. A lot of people in the bus this morning, different kind of face's. Their cloths are showing the material situation and position they have in the society. There is more women then men in the bus. Every one of them carry a story of her life with her. Whats her story? What are they thinking? Where are they going? Are they analyzing me as I analyze them? Most of them look down at the bus floor avoiding eye contact. Suddenly I'm very aware of my shoes.What are they thinking about my shoes... I forgot to clean them this morning?!
On the way to my work there is school for kids with special needs. A father with his son with a special needs always seat on the bus seats across me. His son is smiling to me. I smile back. We always set in the same seats, it's unwritten rule we respect. Usually the father is tickling the boy trying to make him laugh and he always succeed in that. This morning the father was looking through the window lost in his thoughts, the two strong lines on his forehead were showing the heaviness of his thoughts. What was he thinking about?... And what is it with me and this obsession to know peoples life and thoughts???
The bus door opened and old lady tried to climbed in. She had big bags full with fruits and vegetables.What on earth is she doing so early at the market?!! The steps of the bus were so high that her old husband was pushing her behind helping her to climb in. A girl stud up and give hand to the old lady. Why It didn't occur to me that I can help?! I'm a bit disappointed in my self and my lack of thoughtfulness. They sat close to me, breathing heavily, exhausted from claiming the bus steps. The bus door didn't close properly and cold wind was blowing in the bus lifting the dust up high. I lift my shal covering my mouth and turn to the other side looking down  through the window were I spotted lonely driver who was driving a nice warm car. "He must be very lonely in that car"..."He need to try the bus sometime it's much more fun!":) I'm laughing to my self and my ways of trying to see things positively. 
A horrible folk song start playing loud and after a while a man realize it's his cell phone so finally he answered. He couldn't hear the person who called so he start talking really loud. There will be no need  for me to guess his problem and thoughts this morning, I already heard everything.
The journey to the work is long. I put me i Pod . Suddenly someone is talking Norwegian to me asking me for pølse med brød og to epler. Oh , no, I forget to change the Norwegian lesson on my i Pod with music.:(. Never mind, I will sing quietly to my self. The silly folk song is already in my head and I know I'm stock with it til the end of the day.
People are slowly leaving the bus. I'm last to stay since I get down on the last bus station. A dusty constriction worker is also there. They build new buildings on the last bus stop. I'm getting down from the bus and the new buildings are rising victoriously in front of me. I start wondering who will live there and what their story will be?
I find my way to the office and couple of minutes later I'm in front of my Mac with big cup of tea next to me, working on the new teen book that we will need this summer; in the background Dinah Washington is singing  her wonderful "What a difference a day makes".

30s

I just tied 30 ties for my father. I didn't know that it's such a big philosophy to tie a tie. I tied one that I thought is very good and my dad said: "No, it's not what I want!" He made a big difference in the details. I tried 3 different knots and finally find the perfect knot that he was looking for. The funny thing is that my father wears tie only for weeding and that is usually ones in a year or ones in two years.:) Still I gave my best not to disappoint him.
It's been a along time since I wrote something on my blog (usually everyone is saying that):). I find it harder to write things on my blog now then 6 years ago. I guess the more you get older the more your words and opinions are measured by others and you became judged by the unknown people who you hope will stop by to read your blog and you secretly hope they will like what they read or they will admire your capability of doing things. Don't we all do that, trying to please or impress the people in some way? I wonder sometimes if girls-women like to impress more men or other women. It's a big competition among the women; who is more capable or perfect in what they do. I really admire women who have couple of kids and they still have time to blog regularly, to cook, take photos, do art work and crafts, keep the house perfectly clean, read books ...How they do that???Most of them will never admit that they struggle with depression (if they do), rejection, or with some other emotional situation or life disappointment. Pushing the limits of good, burdening them self with the idea to be representable perfect...They feel happy to reach the line of perfection that they put for them self , and they go even further on. I don't say this is wrong or right, I just make observation of the things I face mostly in my 30s.
I find it heard all of this growing up system. It's a new set of rules in your 30st. No one had ever taught me about it. First of all no one have ever told me that 30s are years were you face a lot of disappointments. When you were 20 you were planing big future for your 30s: big family, beautiful house, your favorite job, good car, maybe a mission life or stable position in the church, many friends .... but then in your 30s you are still not married, or you are married but can not have kids,or you have hard time earning money to satisfy your needs,years pass by and you are still not at the mission filed working with poor in Africa, then you blame yourself for beings so obsessive to have kids or husband or more money instead of  focusing on God and being joyful in Him as you were when you were younger; you struggle to make the balance of material and spiritual, it is a big test of the faith that unfortunately many are failing to pass, it's like "finding" God all over again relevant for your life and needs.You understand more that your life in faith is more of a marathon then sprint. In this years you either convince your self that faith in God was a fase in your youthful life but now you have "more important" things to do,or you rededicate your life again fully to the Lord and you find God in new higher level.
Women are becoming more emotionally vulnerable in their 30s. More single women in there 30s then ever before. A lot of single mothers and women who will try every way to have kids even if they don't have a husband.  A good looking guys in there 30s who are more happy to be single and admired by women then to have one next to them. Or guys who are not so in love with them self but they never have the courage to take the action and "fight" for love. I talked with couple of single guys I know, asking them what they look for in a women. Some of them who didn't have much relationships experience described a not existing perfect creature; some of them can not develop strong feelings for anyone because they are afraid that she mait not be the perfect one, and many of them who had lost the desire to fight for affection.Also people are afraid of divorce before they even start the relationship.The worst fear of "what if...?". Anyway, when it comes to the relationship I don't have much opinion, if I have it, it mait be a bitter one... on the end it's all mystery to me.:)
In your 30s you start wondering about your dreams and how did it happen that you lost them. Dreaming all over again it's very important thing to encourage in your 30s. Sating a new dreams will keep you go on.
 The good things about 30s is that you start to know yourself better and by now you know whats your weaknesses and you find your self predictable.You know how will you react or respond to some things.
One of the hardest things in your 30s is to see your parents getting old, really old. The fear of losing them is strongly connected with you feelings of stability, home, security and love.The lost is idea that you try to suppress the most in your 30s.
It is true that 30s are the most productive years, you feel more strong and capable of doing things, you dream about big promotion at work and many good business ideas are born then.
I'm still in my early 30s so I can not cover the whole 30s experience. Maybe you are seeing things differently. I would love to hear what others are thinking about it.
The most important thing for me in this- crucial years of my life is to have my hope and joy, identity and satisfaction in God. It sound so cheesy but is so true and is very important.

About the Robins

O.k. something that I was thinking about today. I was working on the new issue of the children magazine and was collecting interesting facts about the Robins ( the birds ). One information took my attention. It says: "When the female robins choose their mates, they normally base their preference on the males’ songs, plumage and territory quality" :)  

The way how the Robins live and organize their life is very interesting and the more I read it I like it even more. I was wondering (just wondering) if God put some principles or example in there for human relationship.

First it says that the female is choosing the male. I think lately is more like that with humans. Girls know exactly and faster what they want and guys...they need time. 1. So the female Robins base their preference on the males song that with humans can be the way guys talk- communicational part; 2. then on their plumage (Plumage refers both to the layer of feathers that cover a bird and the pattern, color, and arrangement of those feathers) and with the guys that will be the look, appearance; 3. and territory quality- I guess this will be the surrounding, where he lives.

Among other things about Robins is after they choose their mates they start building their nest. The female and male are gathering the material together but the female is the one that choose the place  for the nest and she is the one who is making and "decorating" the nest. After that they lay wonderful blue eggs. The blue eggs of robins are the prettiest eggs known. The female  sits on the nest while the male guards the area.  Once in awhile the male will sit on the nest to give the female a break. The males Robins are gathering in group and the females are not joining them until they are not done with laying of the eggs.

They like to travel to warmer places so they move around. In the new place first is the males who arrive and after some days the female....
I just find all of this behavior interesting...And now you have learn something about the Robins:) I hope you liked it!

O mio babbino caro

I was listening to this song from Maria Callas so many times today. It's so powerful, it brings tears to my eyes. In her private life M. Callas was so in love with  Aristotle Onassis, but he married  Jacqueline Kennedy in stead of her. She is giving so much emotions in to the song it sound like she is crying at the end. Here is the lyric and translation  of the song:

O mio babbino caro (Gianni Schicchi)

O mio babbino caro,
mi piace è bello, bello;
vo'andare in Porta Rossa
a comperar l'anello!
Sì, sì, ci voglio andare!
e se l'amassi indarno,
andrei sul Ponte Vecchio,
ma per buttarmi in Arno!
Mi struggo e mi tormento!
O Dio, vorrei morir!
Babbo, pietà, pietà!
Babbo, pietà, pietà!

 

Oh dear daddy  

Oh dear daddy
I love him, he is so handsome
I want to go to Porta Rossa
to buy the ring
Yes, yes, I want to go there
And if my love were in vain
I would go to Ponte Vecchio
and throw myself in the Arno
I fret and suffer torments
Oh God, I would rather die
Daddy, have pity, have pity

Backgraund of the aria:

Music: Giacomo Puccini (1858-1924)
Lyrics: Giovacchino Forzano 

The aria is from Puccini's Gianni Schicchi, which my encyclopedia describes as brilliant humoristic.

Buoso Donati, who was the head of the aristocratic Donati family, has died. When the family finds out his will leaves everything to the monastery, Rinuccio's aunt Zita, now head of the family, denies him permission to marry Lauretta, the daughter of Gianni Schicchi, without a dowry. Rinuccio then asks the clever Gianni Schicchi to come up with a solution. However, the Donati family gets nasty with Gianni Schicchi because he is not an aristocrat and does not offer a dowry (he may not have it). Gianni Schicchi angrily takes Lauretta and starts to leave.

Lauretta pleads with her father to facilitate the marriage by examining the will and finding a way around it, singing if she cannot marry Rinuccio she will go to the Ponte Vecchio and throw herself into the river Arno. Gianni Schicchi then pretends to be Buoso on his death bed and dictates a new will to a notary. Although he dictates a will that benefits the Donati, he makes himself a major heir also, negating the need for Donati approval of the marriage. Rinuccio and Lauretta can now marry.

 

By the way, the words "ponte vecchio" mean "old bridge". The bridge the story refers to is of course the famous bridge in Florence (Firenze), Italy.

Braking lies

It's so frustrating to see something that other people don't see and to try to explain them or so to say open their eyes. Everyone seems right in their own eyes, but the fruits of their life shows, and the pace in their hearts confirms if what they believe is true. My father thinks he is always right just because he is older. He still use quotes from communist time about life and God and all other things.Things are much different now then they were in his time and his rules can not apply in modern time, but still he have that mind set that if you try to change it or help him see differently than you will be western protestant who is using the religion to conquer his beautiful country. Now how funny is that to me, but sadly is BIG "truth" for him. My father is saying that the church I start going to is brain washing me. But the truth is that I haven't seen more brain washed people then the generation who grow up in communist time. Such a blindness is sad to see. Oh, they are not totally atheists, they do call God's name when they are sick or close to dead, they do primes to bring lamb or others gifts in church if they got better, and they do...trying to bribe God and buy their own health like on the market.
The other day I spoke with a friend who was in some trouble. He is my age and I told him that he need to trust God, turn to Him and ask for help. He said " I know that "grandpa" God will hear my prayers, but we live in difficult time were technology is god and you need to be clever and many times evil to get the things you want. I'm quite disappointed from the priest today, I mean how can they use mobile phones and internet and call them self priest.." I was bit surprise to hear his way of thinking. Did he really think that God is old, good but naive, incapable man?! When we were growing up in schools we were taught that there is no God but everything is technology and science. People invented God because they couldn't explain the natural things,but with more technology we can bit the lie about God. That is how we were taught;  so no wander that today in my country  there are young  people who think that mobile phones and internet is not going together with Christianity. And now the more we grow up and the more the technology is going farther there is more hunger for God then ever and more and more people are looking for Him.
One good thing about communism is that made our hearts starving for God, so when some of us come to know God we experience a dramatic change and liberation from lies.
I want to tell people that God is real, good, loving, friendly, a live, He is not old or incapable, He can help, He is nor against technology He gave us creativity and wisdom to make a better life, He can forgive sin and can set you free from lies and all kind of bondage, He can give you real joy and meaning of life and not just that but He can give you eternal life. Now show me the politician, country or system that can do that for you?! Jeremiah 17:5 This is what the Lord says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord."
I told my friend that all he need to do is to repent and turn to God and He will give him strength to live for Him. My friend didn't want to believe that, the answer sound too simple to me he said, still he didn't want to do it. Many times I wondered why people are not listening about God. Who believed in the words we told about Jesus? It is really the Holy Spirit that works in people hearts and God who is calling them. I really pray for wisdom for all the Christians to know how to speak and represent the truth , it is hard thing to brake the lies that tide people in unbelieved. I want people to see and grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that they may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.May our words for God be as a good seed planted in good soil that will bring good  fruit in it's own time.

I was in Greece for few days in a beautiful house with big balcony and view at the sea. It was me, my best friend Sonja and Kim. Lazy life: we ate, talked, laughed a lot, we enjoyed the fire place and couple of movies with Mag Rajan. There was some sunny days so we were spending the mornings  at the balcony with  full cafe mugs taking sun tan. We went for New Years Eve in the house of a German couple. There was some Greeks, Americans, Serbian lady, Swedish...It was nice..everyone was friendly, the food was fantastic, the fireworks on the sky were magical.

Now I'm back in to the reality, work is waiting for me. Some new brochures to make and I work on Easter issue of Kladence (children magazine). I love my job!!!
While I'm listening to "Beirut" "The Flying Club Cup"album, I'm thinking about the year in front of me. I usually make plan on the beginning of every year, putting goals in front of me. Is pretty much the same goals every year.:) I decide this year not to make any plans. I will let this year God to surprise me, I will just give my best in what ever I do, but no plans what I want to see on the end of the year. No goals for this year! They will exist somewhere in me, I will just not put them on paper.