Winter House Recap: Shoot Your Shot

Winter House

Exes and Oohs

Season 3 Episode 3

Editor’s Rating 2 stars **

Photo: Bravo

Leave it to human rescue dog Tom Schwartz to come up with the dumbest drinking game that you could ever imagine. When it’s his night to choose the theme, he decides that everyone should make a drink inspired by one of their exes. This is a house full of hot young people who Bravo execs are hoping will hook up with each other. Is talking about their exes really in the spirit of that assignment? No.

Naturally Tom goes first and he says that his ex-wife, Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney, told him that he was a people-pleaser often at the expense of her feelings. He decides that everyone is going to drink a shot of tequila to show him he can’t make everyone happy. I don’t understand this logic at all. Is it because tequila is divisive? It’s not like it’s sambuca or grappa or something like that. It’s just tequila, how divisive can it be? What makes way more sense to me is that his ex was often called Tequila Katie for when she would get drunk and fly off the handle and text screeds to people in the middle of the night. That is logic I can follow.

Since we don’t know most of these people’s exes it’s hard to judge how accurate these shots are. We don’t know Casey’s ex who she says is garbage and makes a shot out of bin juice (an English term for which there is no American equivalent). We also don’t know Kyle’s ex who he says has multiple personalities. We also don’t know Kory’s ex who he says tried to sleep with all of his friends, so he calls his shot “slap the bag” and they all take a glug out of a bag of wine. I assume it’s a box of wine with the box removed, and if Kory is going to speak so poorly of women maybe he should have all box removed from his future.

We do know a few of the exes. Brian starts with something tropical and then adds tequila for his ex Monica, who is from Family Karma, which I’ve never watched. Sorry. Malia uses tequila, dirty olive juice, and tomato juice, something she’s “happy to never have again,” for her shot commemorating Tom, the awful chef we saw on Below Deck Med, who she says cheated on her with a girl on another boat. It was probably Natalya. Sounds like the kind of awful thing she would do. Katie does rum because her ex, Jack, was also a yachtie, and then ginger beer because he often burned her stomach, including when he broke up with her via text.

This is a stupid game, but it’s also the best part of the episode. I don’t know why, but there’s something about this season of Winter House that isn’t quite sparking with me yet. Maybe it’s just too early in the trip. There is some promise here, though. The episode starts with Alex and Danielle making out in the hot tub and they then retire to her room for a night of snuggling. I don’t know about you, but for me there is nothing as fun as just making out with someone new. Sure, it’s not getting laid, but the electricity that shoots through every neuron when you’re hooking up with a new hottie feels just as good and is half as sloppy.

But it seems like Alex is going to be a little bit clingy. It also seems like he doesn’t know if he wants to be with Danielle or Jordan, the woman he was originally crushing on. He has one moment in this episode that really pissed me off. His room does not have a shower so he goes and uses Jordan’s shower while she’s curling her hair. Okay, makes sense. Then when he’s done he opens the shower curtain before grabbing a towel and asks if she’s looking at his naked body. Dude, that is not cute. No consent was given here, and he should not be presenting his peen to Jordan without her knowing it’s coming. I’m a gay dude and I wouldn’t show my peen to a woman even if she said it was fine. Alex needs to be more respectful, dry off behind the curtain, and then exit with a towel around his waist. I certainly don’t mind nudity, but everyone has to agree where the boundaries are, and it didn’t seem like they did in this instance.

As he gets out he tells Jordan, “You’re literally the hottest girl in the world. You can pay attention to me any time you want… Honestly, pity me.” He just made out with Danielle and he’s still coming after Jordan. I don’t know, it seems like bad form to try to hit it with more than one person in this type of house.

Later in the night, Jordan is upset (more on this in a bit) and he’s comforting her in the hallway, letting her cry on his shoulder. It’s nice, but since we know he has designs on her it seems kind of creepy. As soon as she’s off to bed, he’s sneaking into Danielle’s again and telling her, “Put it in for a minute and see how it feels.” First of all, the oldest trick in the book. Second of all, dude, pick a lane!

Meanwhile, Kory has the opposite problem of Alex, with multiple girls going after him. Both Malia and Jordan are crushing on him hard, particularly Jordan. Maybe that’s because of who in the house they’re talking to. Jordan talks to Casey, who tells her that her group of friends know Sam, whom Kory is dating, and say that she is total trash. In confessional she says that she’s hyping up her girl Jordan. Okay, I get that, but did you have to go so hard against Sam? Maybe just tell Jordan that the door is ajar and she can get in there without running down the competition. However, I did love it when Casey was going around the house telling everyone to drink water because she wasn’t dealing with “babies” the next day on the ski slope. I love a queen who has her priorities in order.

Meanwhile, Malia talks to Danielle on the slopes and she tells Malia that she doesn’t think that Kory is as open as he’s letting on. She’s just looking out for her girl Sam, which is totally the right thing to do. It seems like Malia has put her thirst for Kory on hold, except when they’re in the kitchen and she climbs him like a tree and tries to put her mouth on his mouth. Jordan sees this and gets terribly upset. It’s not that she can’t have Kory (who didn’t answer her knock on the door the night before like a good and loyal boyfriend), it’s that Malia was hyping her up all day and now she is the one kissing Kory.

After Alex comforts her in the hallway, she goes into a room with Malia and Katie and explains why she’s upset. Malia says that she wasn’t kissing Kory, she was trying to spit something in his mouth. Okay, I get it, because it didn’t look like a kiss, but I can see how if you’re Jordan you’re like, “Sure that’s how it went down.” It’s kind of like Juan Dixon paying for that woman’s hotel room. There is a story to cover it, but do any of us believe it? I also feel like Jordan crying has more to do with the 10 shots that everyone consumed talking about their exes than it does with how she actually feels about Kory, Malia, or anyone in the house. So, thanks for the game, Schwartz. Seems like you ruined everyone’s night.